lets leave last week in the deep past and work hard for a better tommorow

Ok, so last week uuughhh last week. I pretty much binged everyday and i couldn't purge nor exercise.... because i was just to stressed-the-fuck-out. I haven't weighed myself since before in which i was 94.8 lbs. but the last 2 days have been decent. I started working out like mad again now that my schedule has freed up a bit due to the finishing of round 1 of midterms. I know i haven't recovered from last week yet interms of weight. I litterally felt like a sick over bloated pig everyday T.T but I making a point to try to undo as much of that as i can. pretty much every part of my body is sore or tired from working out 2xs per day for a the last couple of days. I'm going to work out 1 or 2 times per day till friday, then once on saturday and once on sunday if my joints can handle it. my goal is to be back down to at minimum 96 lbs by friday/saturday in and around there. Not sure how much i have to lose by then but god i hope i make it. I'm crossing my fingers that my ammenorea has come back. so far i'm about 10 days late, hopefully that means i didn't gain to much weight. I'm hoping to basically not have it again till at least july. *cross fingers*

In terms of school and everything i'm doing soso, like B+--C range. It's to be expected. I mean it's fricken ucla after all and i have 18 units all of which are science major required course. I'm just praying to make it through and not flip my shit and fail a course or 2.

Yesterday was valentine's day i'm sure most people are aware of that. I don't understand why single people gripe so much about being single... I mean I personally made a choice to stay single for the rest of my life 3 years ago and i'd like to stick by that choice. 50% of marriages fail, a large part of the ones that don't are only intact for sake of children or social benefits, ect ect. in my opinion, people who are single are probably happier off in the long run. Not to mention sex makes me want to vomit as i find it to be repulsive and insulting to myself. honestly the only thing i wouldn't feel ashamed of myself for playing dirty to is the camera.. maybe because it can't look back at you with lustful putrifying eyes

I must really hate myself though i don't really beleive i do...

Binge, purge, feel like shit, promise never again, feel like shit, binge, purge, feel like even worse shit...and repeat
I'm sure you're all familiar with this.... A day in the life of bulimia. So monday and tuesday i fuck myself over, wednesday i'm terrific, today i've be stressed out of my mind because i haven't actually be able to sleep for days now, and 18 units is finally really catching up to me and i feel like i just want to all go away.
I've been restless at night since around idk sunday or saturday night now. The stress from my midterms is eating me alive. Like it gets under my skin even as i am trying to go to bed. The worry and anxiety makes my mind a heart race and i can't drift off. I can't tell if the nightmares are real or not. I can't tell if what i think is happening or is it just my worries playing out in my mind.

I failed today, i was doing well until around noon when i finally could take the no sleep and fear of my impossibly hard lap practical later in the day. So i ate, I ate around 900 calories, not in a very binge like fashion, but it's not something i'm totally ok with either. I take my lab practical and i'm pretty sure i failed. literally through the whole test i wanted to puke because i knew i would fail. In bulimia i guess it's safe to assume that failure=puking. If you feel like a failure you go and binge so you can throw up. If you binged you feel like a failture and you go and throw up. At least that's what it's been for me for the past like 2.5 years now? something like that. but after my lab, i was ready to cry. I didn't want to binge and purge persay, I mean what I really wanted was a hug and beleive that everything was still ok, that the world wasn't ending. But the thing is, i don't have anything like that. I never have. All my life when i felt terrible and worried and like a complete failure there's nobody to turn to. As a child if i turned to my dad he'd just call me a failure and basically made me believe that my life was as good as over. If i turned to my mom she wouldn't understand as just ask me what i did wrong to make the situation happen. I never could trust friends with things that i was deeply ashamed of. not when i was 6 nor when i was 12, not when i was in highschool and definately not now. So because i know that i can never find comfort in other people i just turn to what i know which is bulimia. Before i had an ED I'd turn to other similar kinds of methods. In highschool it was risky behavior, in middleschool it was locking myself i my own little world. In elemetary school i would just pray everyday that 95% of everyone i knew and the time would just die so i could be alone in the world of my fantasy. But either way, at any stage. Comfort has come at some distructive cost. I went from hating everyone i knew to seclusion, to risky things that i'm still ashamed to remember to this day.

And in all this there is no forgiveness. Who actually feels like their problems have reach some sort of resolve after binging and purging? I know i don't. I go through hell, then give myself hell for not being whatever i call "good enough" then go and force food in my face so i can go throw up, all just to still feel like shit and take a fuck ton of laxitives that i know are going to make me feel like a bunch of people stomping on by body, but i somehow can justify doing all this. I wonder why... I'm not sure if it's because I want comfort and am some how ashamed to know that that is what i need/want, or is it because i don't beleive that i should deserve, want or need it and somehow the fact that i do is something that needs to be squandered and punished.

There's only a short instance of psudo-resolve while binging because of the disgusting soothing nature of food that we come to love and hate. Yet for those who don't have another means to comfort, that instance of comfort that we get from food is enough to hook us. Which is the terribly sad thing honestly, to do all this, to hurt ourselves that much for an instance of false comfort, that we know wont last yet we don't care because at the moment the need for relief is too much.

I tried to contact my mom today right around the time before i started eating. She asked me to try contacting her instead to resorting to food so i did. i haven't been keeping binge foods in my room recently, nor have i been buying them in large amounts and storing them under my desk (yay +1 for me) so i had that  critical moment before i can get changed so i can run down the hill to the on campus junk food store or dining hall. But the fricken bitch was just like you're over reacting and you're having to much fun thats why you feel all stressed out now. Fun my goddamn ass. who's definition of fun is losing a weeks worth of sleep to stress-mares, walking around like a zombie during the day, and just being so on edge that you're practically shaking? My mom is awesome except for the fact that the woman is as dense as a brick when it comes to understanding how other people feel. I think that's why my parents are married, my dad knows how to make people feel like shit and my mom doesn't understand what it means to feel like shit.

I'm waiting right now... waiting waiting waiting, i don't know what i'm waiting for really, it's just i don't know if i have the mental capacity or the willingness to do productive things that i feel like i should be doing. i'm waiting for the laxitives. I'm waiting for the feeling of being full to go away. I'm waiting for it to be late enough so i can take some sleeping pills and pray that the fricken decide to work today. I'm waiting for my feelings to pass so that i can be good and clean again. I'm waiting for my strength and motivation to return. I wish i didn't suck at playing this game. Waiting for things has never been my strong point.

A new day another chance

I did pretty well yesterday, clocked in at 600 calories, all from super healthy things i don't regret eating. I worked hard yesterday to make up for a shity monday and tuesday. I had class from 10-6pm and then I made a mini white track jacket. The jacket is flipping adorable. I actually kinda want to make more of them cuz they're so damn cute. It didn't take me long to make. I made the pattern over the weekend and sewed it with lining in under 3 hours. I'm gonna go back and do a few small modifications but hopefully by the end of this weekend i'll have a super sexy new jacket for cosplay. I also am hoping that by the end of the weekend my sins will be made up for. I guess if i'm under 95 lbs by sunday i'll know. I'm hopeful because my period hasn't come yet. it's 4 days late and i hope i miss it this month *crossing fingers* when i'm under 95-96 lbs i generally miss my period all together. This last month has been i guess a good one over all. I've never gotten so much done in so little time. In a reflection of the past month, i've:
*kept up with an 18 unit load (of which are all bio major required classes at one of the most well known universities across the damn planet)
*Made a full cosplay costume accesories and all
*made a legit jacket
*lost around 4 lbs =D
yeah i would say even though i've had some mishaps this has been a pretty sucessful month. I've been stressed out beyond reasonability but whatever, it doesn't matter as long as i'm getting thinner. I litterally can't sleep anymore, I'm sooo dead tired every fricken day and i can feel it in my eyeballs but come night time i'll toss and turn until 6:30 am.... and repeat. Tired to the point of delirium and too on a roll and stressed out to sleep. Like i can hear my heard pounding in my head as I try and fail to sleep.... god i hope i can keep upwith this for 6 more weeks. I think i've went through over 25 cans on energy drinks in the past month >.> maybe more..... I'm sure my roommates must think i'm flipping shit insane by now. There are litteraly like 3 empty cans of rock star on my desk and another 6 empty cans in the trash... and i emptied that shit less than a week ago.... I'd have to say though.... energy drinks make an awesome breakfast. After i started having them for breakfast i realize that part of the reason why i crave food all day and just want to stuff my face is because of breakfast. If i can get through not eating till like lunch I can finish the day with under 1000 calories easily... if i eat breakfast, omg, i just want to eat until i can't fricken breath. It does kinda suck though to try to sleep for hours and hours and just be tossing and turning and hungry.... and before i can' grab my card and stuff my face full of breakfast if i can grab and engergy drink or two, the day goes by much better. which reminds me i gotta go restock on these things. I just finished my last one T.T

I really need to start doing this again.

I should start posting regularly again. It's my only outlet for my ED... I was down quite a bit this past weekend but for the last 2 days it's been stuffing my face every second i can... I was 94.7 lbs....I was soooo close to my LW..... Fuck. I need to do better. I need to stop being such a pathetic, weak, idiot. I've had 5000 calories since monday...... it so much, it's 5 days worth.... and this is after i've purged as much as i can. I couldn't purge today. The cut on my hand reopened and my thoat is shot from repeatedly shoving my whole hand back there. I need to stop, I need to feel clean again. I want to fast until sunday, even though i know i'm never really sucessful with fasts. But i'll try anyways. I'll try because i never give up no mater how terrible things get. I always fail, but if i don't give up, I always will have a shot at suceeding. I guess that's really my only strong point. That I always keep on going.

Tommorow, Thrusday, Friday, Saturday.... 4 days, no food, just empty. I don't care if i pass out, I don't care if i fail my midterm, I don't care if it hurts. I must always remember that the hatred i have for myself will always hurt more than food could ever help me feel better. I have to remember that food, only ads fuel to the hatred  i have towards myself.

I have nothing here except a few 100 cal bags of sugar free kettle corn and 2 sugar free rockstars. I've hid my wallet. My goal is to not spend money for the next 4 days. Don't buy anything. Don't believe that food is necessary, comforting, or worth losing myself too. Delete all the news feed posts about food i see on facebook, turn down all the invites to dinner, ignore all those who say I look fine and don't need to diet. They're just ignorant. They don't know the need to feel comfortable with themselves. They think comfort lies in the eyes of another, but it actually lies within ourselves. I won't give in, I won't stop until I can love me.

I need to stop trying to make the stress go away with food, because it only makes it worse. I need to change my views of feeling stress from the need to become numb to understanding that i feel stressed because i care about myself in relation to whatever is freaking me out. If it's school i need to understand that it's because i care about doing well and that i want to do well even if i hate it because i'll hate it even more if i do poorly. If it's lonliness i need to understand it's because i care enough to want to not feel lonely. I need to embrace what i feel rather than try to cover it in sugar. Pain is only painful if you think it is.... A feeling is only real if you think it is.... A craving is only a craving because you want to believe it is when it's not.
Most of the time all of these things are just there because of lack of sleep or lack of hobby time... they aren't really what you think they are. Fight it!
Pills pills pill, water water water, sew sew sew, exercise exercise excercise, sleep sleep sleep never stop fighting.

Ugggg I hate home

I haven't posted since around thxgiving time. I hate home. Home makes me fatter than ever. It's like when i go home it's always to cold and there is food everywhere so i basically binge and purge every second i'm there. On top of that after i leave it takes a few days for my blood sugar to stabilize so that i don't crave binge food all day long. I think my body is readjusted to sugar and fatfree again. But at the cost i'm 98 lbs again... ugggghhh so fat. A few days ago i had these horrible binges and i for some reason couldn't purge.... T.T I tried to purge for a whole hour and i just couldn't get anything out except water and traces of whatever i ate 6 hours ago rather than what i just shoved down my throat.... It's a terrible feeling when you felt like you've screwed up so you mine as well go binge so that you can purge just to find out after you finished binging you can't purge at all. I binged on a bag of chocolate nut trailmix, almond butter, candy, and cereal. I feel so filthy. I need to get clean again. I need to drop weight, I need to find out a way to not binge all day at home.

I just worked out my schedule for my break. And i have 2 extensive periods where i dont' have any shoots planned, 18th-22 and 24-30th.... i need to do something about that because those will be the times i'm most likely to binge all day and get hella fat..... In those days i need to occupy myself from morning to night with shoots, or hanging out, just being away from food and privacy.....

oh my god blogger it's been so long.... sooo buzy but i promised myself that i need to update

So.... since last time i posted i was still going to my old college. I transfered to a new college now, possibly one of the most talked about colleges of the last 100 years or so. I really like it here, everything is fast, and it's always busy, and there are always things to do. I mean for like and entire month straight i've been tired every damn day from morning to night and it's not from working out. Infact i think i workout less here because i'm so busy all the time.
I don't live in an apartment anymore (thankfuckinggod). I'm living in a triple dorm rather than having my own room and it's helped alot. can't say i really give any shits about my roommates but i am still thankful that i have roommates so i can't just binge and purge in my room all day like i used to. I'm also very thankful to be back on meal swipes at the dorms. In all honesty i'm alot happier here even though my grades aren't as good, i'm always tired, i have no privacy, ect ect. I love living in a dorm because it means that disorder can't have total control over me when ever it fucking wants. I can't really binge when my roommates are around and i can't really eat unhealthy things infront of them either (i'm to embarassed to). I have a meal plan that gets rid of the necessity of going to a super market a few times a week (i go maybe once a week just cuz sometimes i do get my chewing and spitting cravings and cravings for things not in the dining hall. But with that said, i'm weighing myself again. For me this is a huge step up for my emotional state. When i was anorexic i was unhappy but more so at my life and less so directly at myself, hence i could weigh myself without feeling to bad. The number is never low enough but at the same time, it just motivated me to go lower. However after i started living in an apt and gaining weight from all those late night binge and purge sessions in my room i hated my body so much that i couldn't weigh myself. seeing myself naked hurt to much so i basically didn't really keep to much track of my body for the whole year. i went from around 93 lb up to 102-105 ish.

Even though i always purged extensively after my binges, my binges were much much worse in the apt. I did binge and purge 2-4 times per week when i was anorexic but in the apt it went to 6-9 times per week. My binges in the apt were bigger becuase it wasn't just some cereal and cookies in the dinning hall. My binges in the apt were usually $15-25 worth of cereal, cake, cookies, cake mixes, yogurts, pies, icecream, cheese cake, crackers, brownies, oatmeal, granola, bars, Jars of  peanut butter. every possible junkfood you can buy the whole box of in the supermarket for like $3 each......

here i still binge and purge but it's gone back down to the 2-4 times per week and my binges now are a few bowls of cereal maybe a peice of cake and some cookies or candy bars, but the quantities over all are an order of magnitude less.

That being said, i'm happy to say that when i moved into my dorm i was 102.5 lbs, and stayed that way till about mid october. October 15th i was stil 102.5 but i decided i really was going to give it my best to get back down to my ana weight. What motivated me was that i had photoshoots to do in early november.... in a bikini..... in a crowded public location and the photos would end up on the internet........ soooooo yeah pretty big motivation for me. happy to say that right now, i weigh 96.8 lbs. Thats a little over 5 lbs in 5 weeks... I am soooo happy right now. i haven't been 97 lbs for about a year and a half now.... I can't wait to be back down where i belong, where i can look at my body and say, 'yes this is my body' and not be to ashamed to look at it.When i was 93 lbs my measurements were 32.5-23.5-33, at 103: 33-25.5-34.5(sooo damn fat!!!) right now i'm 32-24.5-33.5 about half way, a few more lbs and inches to go!!! gogogogo!!!!

 i was about 97.5 lbs during my photoshoots and i think people liked that, i mean essentially as soon as one shoot was done, another photographer come and pick me up right away so essentially i did 13 photoshoots in 2 days.... I've seen some of the pictures and i'm happy i lost weight for those photos. I'm not entirely happy with them, but it's a great improvement from before, I got over 20 buisness cards from photographers in 2 days and i'm setting up around 10-15 photoshoots for my winter break with the photographers i met.

The thing i'm praying for right now is that i continue to drop weight and stay under 100lbs though break. I swear i gain weight like crazy when i go home, all that food everywhere @.@ in my dorm there pretty much isn't anything to eat, i have to leave and go to a cafe or dining hall to get food (great help btw, no point going out to eat if it's to late or balls cold ect.) most of the photoshoots i'm setting up for december-january are going to in bikini/bra tops with micro short skirts or shorts. so yeah....... lots of skin to be showing while outside in the middle of winter but if i'm skinny enough i won't mind it, because i know when i see those pictures it'll all be worth it. I can't wait to have pictures me when i am skinny all over the damn internet! And it's going to feel even better because recently i checked up on my old bitch roommate, the one who gave me so much hell last year, her whole fb wall is filled with pictures of all the chocolate and desserts she eating puntuated by her complaing that she's getting fat XDDDDD MUWAHAHAHAHA i'm and awful person. I can't wait to be a waif. just 4 more lbs to go till i' back to my lowest weight!!!!!!!!!! i've already lost 5.7 lbs!! more than half way there!!!!
 I CAN DO THIS!!
I'LL NEVER GIVE UP!!!
STARVE, DIET, WORKOUT, AND LOSE WEIGHT FOR: COSPLAY, PHOTOSHOOTS, PERFECTION, SMITE, HATRED, THE DAD THAT NEVER LOVED YOU, AND THAT BITCH/DOUCHE WHO GAVE YOU HELL.

pretty friends...

I've always wanted them. pretty friends. those friends who are so effortlessly thin and beautiful it's hard to believe such people exist. And now i'm starting to get them. the thing is with pretty friends, is they know everyone and everyone knows them. Recently i've been making all these beautiful and increadibly thin friends. like they are anorexic skinny without seeming to give a shit about what they eat or drink and they are beautiful with great fashion sense. I mean these people even have a fanbase of both girls and guys after them and they don't even do the entertainment industry or youtube video thing. No these people have thousands of friends, buddies, ect on every profile they have.... and these are their fans(girls/boys) and stalkers, ect. I've never had pretty friends until now. no, i was aways the smallest of my friends and considered to be one of the prettier ones. but now i'm the short stubby not as pretty friend. I need to get thinner... thinner.... don't eat ever again. i should burn my tounge till it's black or something.... the only good thing about being home is i can't binge on things like cookies, cakes, pastries, icecream, junk like that.... though at the same time there is so much more food in the house and most of those foods are not foods i normally eat. They have oil and meat and sause and r cooked.... so i eat alot, but alot of non b/p type foods. idk i guess it evens out. but i'mm still toooo fat. i feel heavy and i look heavy. I'm starting my fast at 1am on monday, till 1 pm tuesday, may try to extend it if i can... tea coffee lettuce tomatos

oh tooo fulll

I've eaten to much recently, i feel full and hence kinda drowzy... though i have been having a lot of fun this week. i've been out almost everyday. last saturday i got back home, sunday i went out shopping with michael and jamie, monday i went kareoke. tuesday i visited school with Nate, wednesday i was sewing while chatting with my old friend minrose and audrey, thursday i went back to school to show off some art work then went shopping at a fabric store. friday i went on a date with a super cool girl i know, saturday i cut off most of my friend's hair (all her life she's been able to sit on her hair, now it doesn't even reach her bra band) and went shopping for various adhesives. and now it's 1 am on sunday, a week later... later today i'm gonna cut avi and oni's hair and go out kareoke wiht my cousins. God this week feels like a month. This is the longest week i've ever had... doing something everyday is tireing. i haven't been exercising since at home i don't have access to a gym and i'm going places all day. I'm gonna try for under 500 for a few days. tmr i'm gonna try and sneak out of eating, and monday since my family is gonna be out i'm gonna try to fast. i need to get skinny again. The girl i went on a date with, she is suuuuupper skinny, like skinny like my sis. except she's 118 lbs at 5'4" which doesn't seem thin, but she can wear a designer size 23 jeans, and they are still baggy like guy pants at her thighs...... i'm so jealous. she can wear a padded bra and still pass as a guy as long as she's not wearing a skin tight shirt.... soo jealous. shes' super strong too, i've seen her pick up 250lbs boxes at work... and she even works in a candy store.... plus her metabolism is so fast that she doesn't get drunk... EVER she can outdrink everyone.... at every party... @.@ soooooooo jealous. I still love the girl, even though i'm itching with envy.... some people have it all i swear...

I wish i could just dislike food, i wanna burn my tounge, like really burn it till i kill my taste buds so that i won't like food anymore.... i want to be skinny, more so than anything else...

jealousy jealousy

I've got to admit, i am super jealous of my little sis Audrey, she's not actually my sister, she's more like my ex-friend's sister that me and my other girl friends condsider as our little sister cuz none of us have a little sister and we all think her brother is a douche. I'm sure of all the girls i know she's the thinnest. i'm guessing shes around 83 lbs at 5'3" it's a close guess. I was taking her measurments today because i was sewing a costume for her since she doens't know how to use the sewing machine. omg she's soooo skinny. she's not a child anymore though i still seem to think of her as one, she just turned 18 @.@ still can't beleive it. in my mind she'll always be 14. it's possible because she still looks like a kid and acts like one. It's hard to beleive that she's 18 now. She's not a girly girl. in fact she just wears her brothers hand me downs everyday which are mostly baggy cargo pants and over sized shirts and jackets. I don't know how it is that she's soooo thin. she never works out, and really don'ts care much about her body or appearance in general. i guess there are those people who are just naturally waifs. her thighs make a super models thighs look fat.. she's the only girl who still look anorexic even in candy cane striped stockings... I wish i could be as thin as she was. I don't think she is ana or mia. she's genuinly happy to have food, and i know shes not playing happy.. she's the type who so gulible and naive that she'd fall anything people tell her...

Today was kinda a bad day, i ate way to much before noon, then binged and purged some icecream. plus i didn't excercise, but i got to spead time with people i haven't seen for a long time.

I'm gonna fast tonight till friday at noon... i hate how big i am....

For the first time in a few days..

i'm going to sleep hungry.... =D i'm so happy, i feel light, i feel clean, i feel relatively empty, and my feet are in so much pain that i can rest with the satisfaction that i worked hard today. i'm gonna feel skinny when i wake up... i want it, i want it soo bad. Ana save me from the feeling of failure. Save me from feeling powerless. Save me from the gaze of men. Save me from caring how my father doesn't love me. Save me from being nothing.

oh how i hate my dad...

so, my fast on monday failed.... damn. today i tried to fast... ended up with 1000 fricken calories. at least they were all mostly from fruits veggies and cheese. but on the plus side i burned off 750 calories today. i'm super proud of that. after eating too much since friday and not working out enough this feels amazing. i feel somewhat clean for the first time in days... soo good, sooo motivated

in other news i found out that my dad has been cheating on my mom. it makes me hate him even more than i already do. My dad is part of the reason why i have an eating disorder. like he makes me want to commit suicide everytime i talk to him. all he does is put me down and tell me i'm not good enough. I feel like he'll never love me, i'll never be good enough for him to treat me as a human being and not as dirt. My mom does her best to be there for me even though she doesn't understand me at all(something she admits too). but my dad is never there for me. he's never home, he never comforts me when i'm extremely depressed, if i'm not doing well he tells me that i'm not good enough and makes it my fault that i'm unhappy. Also he hates who i am because i am a non-conformist. I am strong headed and i don't give a damn about what people think or say about me. in all honesty even though i am smaller than just about everyone else my presences scares people very fast. i'm the kind of girl who won't take your bullshit, and will demolish who ever i hate. generally people tell me i look like a badass bitch even though i'm a tiny asian girl... but that's ok, i'd rather scare off weaker people. i can't stand to be around them too much because i feel like i'll run them right over. But yeah, my dad hates that i'm not willing to change myself for others, something i take great pride in. I have a good reason not to yeild to people. I've been sexually abused by a guy when i didn't own up to who i was and what i felt. I was weak and beause of that i was forced to do things that i feel ashamed about to this day, i felt so ashamed that i became anorexic after that year of abuse. So after that i decided i will never yeild to someone elses wishes. Plus there is no point in being friends with people you can't stand. The fact that my mom is a pretty passive person and taht my dad cheated on her gives me even more reason to own up to whatever i want to do. After that he'll never be able to make me eat again. I'm hate him so much right now that thinking about him makes me want thin even more. He thinks 100 lbs is to light, well fuck him, i'll drop down to 90 because i hate him so much.

A few hours late but get ready for another 36 hour fast!!

I'm gonna say that my fast started at 12 am monday, and will be done on tuesday at noon. good luck, and stay strong everyone!! lettuce, tomatos, pickles, coffee, tea, water

if it weren't for my final i would have done a 24 hour fast

I didn't eat anything till noon today, and all i had was a salad with shrimp and a plum (200 cals) i would have left it at that till 5or 6 pm and made a 24 hr fast out of it (200 cals in 24 hrs is fasting to me), but i just ate an apple and a plum (200 cals). I haven't eaten since 5pm yesterday, before i went to the gym. It wasn't to hard to water fast for 19 hours even with a 2.5 hour workout wedged in there. oh how i wish i didn't need to eat in order for my brain to work.... oh well. But then again, 400 cals in 24 hours plus burning off 700 in the same time frame is better than i've done before =). Now to pass my final.... today will be a great day, today will be a great day, today will be a great day. I hope everyone else is doing well!! if anyone wants to be ana/mia buddies just message me.

8am, the day has just started...

and today is going to great!!! or at least i'm gonna try my hardedst make it great!!! i'm 102.5 today though i feel like it's higher that it actually is. i had alot of salt late last night after my workout, as well as like 4 cups of water in the hour before bed. I feel a little water bloated. water boated is like being food bloated without feeling sick and stuffed. but anyways, I'm going to make today great because if i don't i know it's gonna suck balls. Today i have molecular bio class which i hate, and the final for the class 2 hours after it -.- I generally like bio hence i'm a bio major but molecular bio and bio chem are to classes that just suck anyway you look at it. but yeah, and then after that i've gotta pack up my apartment cuz tmr morning i'm moving out and driving home (7 hour drive). So after today i probably wont be online again till sunday? unless i feel the urge to get online which i might. I've been very addicted to tumblr recently.... but yea, now marks the begining of many challenges to come: 1. bio test that is gonna murder me unless i murder it, 2.moving back home into a house full of food @.@ which is why i hate home (i hate it cuz of ana and mia, if it weren't for them i wouldn't mind). 3. moving back home is super difficult because my family has homemade dinner every single night and i'm not allowed to skip, plus the food at home is very different from what i eat in my apartment.

In my apartment i do my best to keep all the bad foods out, they are usually only present if i'm binging currently. On a day where i dont' binge or over eat the only things i have are some fruits, lettuce, cumbers, carrots, maybe milk and heavy cream, tomatos, and thats about it. I've found that these are the foods i'm ok with eating, that i won't binge on (sometimes i do binge fruit if i'm desparate usually cantalopes, bananas, strawberries, and mangos i have issues with). Plus eating these foods makes me feel idk clean. I think it's cuz theres' no salt or processed sugars or starches. As far as salt goes i feel like i eat a fuck ton of salt but i think it's because all the salt i eat is salt i pour onto my drinks. I'm sure anyone watching me make my drinks would think i'm totally crazy for putting all this salt in them and it's not like a pinch it's like a few sprinkles, taste and a few more sprinkles... from the salt carton even. But then again, i guess it only seems that i eat to much salt because i drink like on average around 12-14 cups of fluids a day, plus lots of raw fruit and veggies everyday, even on binge days, plus all the sweating from workouts, plus all my food is virtually salt free... even my binge foods, they aren't salty foods. So i guess i do need all the salt that i drink. i know when i don't drink my salt, i can feel that i need salt, my head feels all watery ( that feeling when you've workout long and hard and then chug a bottle and an half of plain water). but yea, it's either salty drinks after a workout or eat my way through a jar of pickles, which i do do sometimes, pickles (as an asian, i eat a huge variety of different pickles cuz asians pickle everything... and they are delicious) are my favorite post workout food, they are super filling, calorie free, and especially delicious if you sweat alot and thus are low on salt. plus to me if you put ketchup on dill pickles it gives me the satisfaction of hamburgers without eating a hamburger.

I turned this day around.... =D

So today started out kinda bad. i was binging and purging fat free cheese and cantalope. fml!!! of all things!!!! (btw don't binge fat free cheese, it's really difficult and your stomach fluids are salty as fuck) and then i binge on peaches -.- i hate it when i binge perfectly good foods like fat free cheese and fruit. i feel guilty because those are foods that taste good and are not fattening like nearly everything else. so i end up at 1350 cals by 6 pm... most of it being eaten by 11 am @.@.... terrible i know. but then i took some caffiene pill and went to the gym and omg, it was fucking amazing..... i felt soooo high like, if it weren't the fact that i was working out as hard as i could i would have just been smiliing until my face fell off. i walked for 30 minutes, ran for 32 minutes straight without walking at all, did the elliptical at level 8 for 30 minutes averaging 170 rpm, and did the bike machine for an hour.... and i felt great the whole time. conservatively i burned 650 calories, but being as sweaty and euphoric as i was i probably burned more ( i worked out much harder than i normally do) but i'm not gonna count it. i never do. if i really did burn off more than i would have at my normal rate let it surprise me when the pounds come off. but yeah, i'm super happy now, i wish i could do this on all my bad days but i know that my body can't take this intense of a workout everyday, i'm sure my joints will be very very tired tommorow but i'm just still sooo happy that i managed to make today ok. I'm gonna shoot for 550 calories tmr. I hope i make it, if not i hope i can burn off the difference.

GUM

Soo, I was feeling kinda like munching today, i think it was because i kinda ate to much yesterday. I did binge and purge but it was a comparatively small binge. Not sure how many people know this but when you binge on carbs (especially the sugary sorts) you get a huge rush of endorphins and i think serotonin but im not sure about that one. anyways, in that time frame between starting and feeling to full that you throw up, usually it's a rather pleasant feeling physically, hence part of the reason why the binge started to begin with. That feeling is part of what keeps you coming back to a binge and part of the reason why binges usually repeat several times and only pause when you become to worn out to continue binging and purging. So today i was craving the binge the craving wasn't the usual strong desire to shovel cake down my throat like a monster, but it's the sneaky craving where you only want to eat the usual afternoon snacks that many people enjoy, but you don't really want to binge. I hate those cravings the most. They trick you into buying food thinking you'll be ok and then suddenly you are shoveling food down your throat because that's what you usually do with anything that isn't salad or fruit. That's exactly how my binge started yesterday too. So this time i went and decided i would just buy gum. I used to chew gum everyday for hours until my jaw hurt, and then i got really really sick of gum. this time i bought caffeinated gum and its awesome. Summer in southern california is to hot for coffee, but caffeinated gum is alright. It took my munchies off my mind right away and saved me from binging this time around!!! I know it probably won't work when i have a real binge craving, not much works at that point, but today i'm happy that i haven't binged or purged.

It's 3:30 pm i've had salad with fat free dressing, 1 slice of ham, 2 apples, and milk = a little under 450 calories. i'm a little hungry right now, but i'll wait a few more hours before eating again. considering a burger for dinner, i usually never crave hamburgers (only maybe once a year, that's about as often as i eat them) so i don't fear them. i only fear foods i don't know, foods i crave, and foods my loved ones make for me. I'm not afraid of hamburgers because i know they don't have to be like 400-1000 calories each. I usually get a standard hamburger, with mustard, pickles, ketchup, tomatoes, lettuce, and the thinnest patties available (the are half the thickness of a typical patty). I order it wrapped in lettuce rather than a bun and it comes down to 170 calories, which is less calories than most salads (without toppings), and is a little more than a big apple or pear.  Hopefully that will be all i eat for the rest of the day and bring my calorie consumption to around 650 max.

I hate food

I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food

I hate food for controlling me
I hate food for ruining me
I hate food for making me fat
I hate food for making me crave
I hate food for being cheap
I hate food for being legal
I hate food for being essential
I hate food for being soothing
I hate food for being delicious

If i could loose one sense forever it would be taste, that way eating will physically be as unpleasant as it is mentally

Weekly fasting ritual

For all of those fasting with me thanks soo much!! I'm gonna make a proposal. I want to make fasting part of my life so i propose to do a 36hour fast every week. sunday 8pm till tuesday 8 am. i hope everyone's doing well on their fast so far. remember that you can have as many low or no calorie sugar free drinks as you want, and safe foods are (raw, or steamed) lettuce, tomatos, and celery ( you can also have cucumbers) stay away from salad dressings unless they are the fat free version.

I've been doing well on my fast. i did cheat a little, i had once slice of cheese (70) and i slice of low fat ham(35) but still including all of the drinks i've had today my total calorie intake is only 435 plus i went to the gym today and burned off 400 calories.

way too fat

I'm around 103 lbs these days.... which is to me horendously obese. i feel like i look like one of those sweaty fat guys with the beer gut. my bulimia is still out of control. i never win against it. it's like my addiction. even if i've been pretty happy for a few days, bulimia still somehow manages to sneak it's way in there. i feel heavy and flabby. I've decided that i'm going to try and lose weight yet again but this time i'm really serious. i want my anorexic body back! i miss my hipbones, my thigh gap, i miss my stick thin arms, and my breastlessness. I miss the days when i didn't shove food down my throat and feel ill every day. I miss the days when people made jokes that i looked anorexic just because i was skinnier than everyone else.... sooo... with that said. 90 lbs watch out cuz i'm gonna make you mine!!!

My goal is to lose 15 lbs in 3 months.
goal weights:
100lbs by 9/12
98 lbs by 9/26
96 lbs by 10/14
94 lbs by 10/28
92 lbs by 11/11
90 lbs by 11/23
88 lbs by 12/9

Diet plan:
-goal is to average 900-1000 calories per day while exercising off at least 1800 calories per week. I'm kinda a stickler about calories burned. for me i set my bench mark at 2 cals/min walking or weights, 4 cals/min biking, 6 cals/min elliptical, or strenuous aerobics/dancing
-no eating before 8 am or after 7 pm.

I swear not to eat: (these are foods that always lead into a binge)

-sugar
-yogurt
-bread
-rice
-cereal
-pudding
-crackers
-nuts
-pastries
-icecream
-pizza
-cookies
-cake
-waffles
-anything that contains oil as an ingredient
-beans
-tortillas
-peanut butter
-chocolate
-doughnuts
-noodles
-oatmeal

My determination
-I won't give up, even if it hurts my family or friends
-i won't give up even if i have a bad day, food will never fix anything
-I won't give up even if i crave, because the craving will not go away unless you just ignore it, satisfying a craving only leads to addiction
-i won't give up even if it means not being able to party, parties are about people, if you eat at a party you aren't there for the people
-i won't give up even if it means feeling tired, and crappy, skinny and tired is always better than fat and sick.
-i won't give up even if i feel stressed. things will never get better if you decide binge the stress away, you'll be even more stressed after and hour of stuffing your face.
-i won't give up even if i feel depressed. food can never make you happy, it only makes you pathetic, the only way to cure depression is to go out, exercise and hang out with beautiful fun people who would rather be amazing than think about food all day
-i won't give up even if someone pressures me. deny the desire to eat, tell yourself that you don't want food because you truly don't, waht you want is understanding, love, and to be in the company of inspiring people
-food will only make you hate yourself more, it's better to live deprived of food rather than live deprived of self acceptance
-weigh yourself every morning and every night even though the numbers hurt because you will never get thinner unless you face the pain
-do not fear the judgement of others on you lifestyle, it's only because they are jealous of your strength
-reward yourself not with food but with things and inspiration
-do not fear the camera because it opens your eyes to the truth about how big your thighs are, and how much smaller they need to become
-I will not hang out with friends who just want to eat all the time, i want friends who make beautiful things, and who have beautiful minds, not a bunch of cavemen who just think about eating, food should only take up a small portion of your life.

Tips and tricks
-drink 2 cups of water during the first 5 bites of your meal
-diet hot chocolate(or add ice for chocolate milk) will satisfy you chocolate cravings ( i haven't had chocolate for months thanks to my homemade diet chocolate drinks (15-25 cals per pint) plus it's actually good for you and super creamy.
-if you're craving the binge, have a salad or some form of raw veggies with water, then try to purge, but don't, you probably will be full but not desperate to purge because plain raw veggies is the best thing that you can eat, it won't make you fat, it's good for you skin, it's healthy, it's pure, it's nearly calorie free.
-when at a party with friends-- chew gum so that you won't be tempted by the snacks
                                               drink diet soda the whole time, it's filling and calorie free
                                               don't drink alcohol-- it's nicknamed liquid fat for a reason
                                               say that you have to be up early the next day to avoid drinking
-when eating out, drink 2 cups of water before you food arrives
                           offer the fries/bread/starch to someone, tell them that you don't like them
                           ask the server to keep the veggies sauce free, just steam them
                           ask for a lunch or child portion, or ask them to bring only 1/2 the portion
                           never get dessert, convince yourself that you don't want to look like a pig in front of people
                           tell your friends you had a large previous meal
                           always leave 1/2 your food on the plate
                           limit yourself to 10 bites, and only 1 bite per 3 minutes, talk and drink water instead
                           when you finished eating what you feel comfortable with put your napkin on your plate and hide your fork under the napkin
-when you are bored sitting around alone and have food at your disposal, change locations to a place with no food, call someone, do homework, get rid of the food, exercise, do something!!
-weigh yourself at least 2 times a day, it keeps you focused on your goals



anyone who wants to be ana buddies/diet buddies or would like to join me on this endeavor to lose weight over the next 3 months?

36 hour fast!!! people join me!!

So i'm gonna try to do a 36 hour fast starting at 8pm 8/28/11 till 8 am 8/30/11. For anyone who wants to join me, you can drink any low or no calorie, sugar free drinks you want. safe foods=plain lettuce, tomatos, and celery.  good luck everyone!!