Starting a new diet!! I'm so excited!!

Soo, seeing as i haven't lost any weight with all the days of 800 calorie weekdays and 3498673409238 calorie weekends... I spent like 3 hours today designing a new diet. It's based off of the way i used to live when was 93 lbs. I'm calling it the Retro-Diet because it' based off of my past. It's a 800-1000 calories per day diet, no fasting, no skipping meals, and it has a binge prevention plan.

When i was 93lbs bmi 17.5, i ate about 1200-1300 calories a day, and exercised about the same amount that i do now, but some how i'm 7 lbs heavier and I can't seem to shake it. So i figure, its not the calories in and calories out, it's the when, how, and what. I mean, last year i ate in the dining halls at school because freshman are forced to by a meal plan. Dining halls is basically  huge buffet full of cookies, icecream, belgium waffles, cake, burgers, pizzas, bagels, peanut butter, brownies, cereal, pasta with a megafuckton of cheese, pot pies, paninis (aka grilled fat sandwhich), and mashed potatos. Sounds terrible right? Sounds like a fattening camp? Well it easily could be, but i managed to lose 3 lbs eating in that place in 2 months... its about the when, how, and what.

Personally i find it difficult to eat in public, much less a buffet, i'm sure most of us ED girls do. But i realize now that the reason why i lost weight eating in a buffet is because i don't want other people to see the way i eat so i would go during off hours when i wasn't crowded (earlier the better). this would also let me pay attention to myself, eating in public i know i can't binge because theres nowhere to purge. So i would eat more conciously. Also since i would go early, it would get more crowded as time goes giving me a time limit.

Is it weird that i eat better when i'm in public alone(healthier and less)? Know that you can't purge after and that people are watching you makes it to scary to binge. The other part was that i would drink like 4-6 cups of water while i was still feeling strong so by the time i finished eating my healthy staples (plain salad, egg whites, raw broccoli, carrot sticks and pickles) i felt to full to eat another bite. Another thing i did was if i did pick up that slice of cake, i would make it unedible before i could eat it or after the first bite (smash it into cruddy napkins, or between plates, or put gravy/meat on it or something gross like that) then i would just toss it away.

I'm so excited, i want my old body back.

F.U.C.K.M.Y.L.I.F.E

Whyyyyyy...... Must I try so hard and do so well just to walk into a grocery store and buy a bunch of foods that i know i'm never going to be ok with thinking that i will be just because i feel strong for the fleeting hour that i'm in the damn store?? Just to go back to my apartment and start stuffing my face before i do anything else??? I seriously wish someone would just taze me everytime i touch something i'm not ok with eating. Why must life be soo fucking hard.
These are the foods i'm not ok with (meaning that i'm either going binge and purge  or chew and spit them as soon as i get the chance)
Cold cereal (even the kinds that taste like cardboard)
hot cereal
granola
yogurt of any sort (even plain or greek)
sugar
milk
bread
biscuts
bagles
tortillas
cakes
cookies
crackers
chocolate or candy
icecream
pudding
cake mix
frosting
hummus
chips
pita bread
peanut butter
jam
bananas (if i have more than one or two)
rice
canned meat
canned veggies
cookie dough
muffins
doughnuts
pies
granola bars
cheese
nuts and seeds
dried fruit
olives
potato produts
tofu
anything with coconut in it
coffee creamers
graham crackers
whip cream
pizza, burgers, and other savory fatty american foods i don't crave and i don't eat so thats good


So what can i eat???

fruits(though sometimes i will binge on those too)
leafy veggies
beets
greenonions
cumbers
squash(raw)
mushrooms
carrots
broccoli
fat free salad dressing
pickles
egg whites
almond milk
sugar free jello (but i'm not a big fan of jello)
fat free hot dogs
and noodles
frozen yogurt, but only if i get it at a froyo place because i don't like eating in public so i'll buy like 2oz worth )about 3 bites worth

So what can i do???
how can i avoid the temptation to buy junk to binge on??
I should keep like emergency supply of cucumbers laying around, and stuff my face with them when i want to binge. First and for most i need to stop going to Albertsons. God i hate super markets. The have more junkfood than the number of orphans in india. The main thing i get at albertsons that is not something i binge and purge is almond milk, fat free hotdogs, and 0 calorie sweeteners.

So maybe what i should do is
1. settle for paying more for almond milk that i don't like as much, because everytime i walk into albertsons i swear i end up spending like $15-40 on food that i'm not actually going to eat in a non abusive way.

2. Only go to Albertsons when I run out of my wonderful fat free hotdogs or 0cal sweeteners (and stock up!!)

3. If I do go, avoid all areas of the super makert except for the produce area, and get the fuck out of there as fast as i possibly can.

My Goal is to only go to Albertsons only once a month, rather than 1-2 times a week.

The other grocery store I go to is Trader joes. I'm usually ok there if i am actually low on food that i eat. But, since it's also the cheapest and most convienent market around, it's easy for me to go there and buy a bunch of shit to binge on. Sooo,what to do... I figure i get binge food out of there once a week. Usually some combo of cereals, granolas, bars, yogurt and cookies of some sort. That or some kind of bread and peanut butter, or hummus. And sometimes i buy like 10 bananas to chew and spit.

Most of my episodes i by a base type food and and a condiment type food (ex, cereal and yogurt, pb and bread, cookies and milk). The bases being yogurts, breads, and milks usually. What i should try is limiting my base to bananas, they are the cheapest after all, 19 cents each. yogurt and cereal are my two biggest enemies  because they are the easiest to swallow without relizing it (swallowing a whole mouthful of balled up bread is much more easily recognized as it'll nearly suffocate you in the process). Granola bars, and cookies are also things i buy alot but usually i don't binge and purge these (the drier they are the less i swallow). What i could do is limit it to banana's, cookies, and granola bars. I will still abuse those foods but as long as i don't have them in conjunction with milk or yogurt i won't eat much of it, mostly just spit it out.

So that's what i'm going to try this week, ABSOLUTLY NO DAIRY--cuz it screws me over faster than anything else. The only trigger foods that i'll buy are bananas, cookies, and granolas bars, limiting to 1 package or 6 bananas.

ANA HELP ME.

CW:100ish
GW1:97 by friday
GW2:94 by the 27th
UGW:88 by Jun 10th

Anyone have any advice for me?? I mean i know i can get down to this weight, if i could somehow put an end to my emotional eating(binging purging mindless grazing [usually out of anxiety]).

And does anyone wanna diet with me? i need an ana/mia buddy.

Weekend summary

So in the last 2 days I've eaten 2800 calories, 1700 and 1100 and burned off 930 calories 450 and 480. This is by far the best weekend i've had this year. Today was on par with usual weekday (having a net of 600-700 calories. I think I'm going to have to continue this paractice. =)

Weekend so far

Well this weekend hasn't been to bad so far.
Yesterday i still ate quite alot =1700 calories but like 1300 of it was totally healthy= fruits, veggies, milk, fat free hot dogs, stuff i don't really regret eating. The other 400 calories is food i stole from my apartmentmates. -.- mostly cereal or peanut butter. BUT the good thing was I didn't purge. I didn't wiegh myself because on friday i was binging and purging all day again. But so far, that minimal food in my apartment has been helping. I did get desparate twice in which i chewed and spat plain rice but it's still way better than my usually vomitfest weekends. I also made it to the gym yesterday and the mall. This alone is a huge improvement over my usual weekends in which i want to go to these places but i'm just to depressed to even get out of my apartment. Today I just finished lunch and i'm at 650 calories, all fruit, veggies, low calories carbs, milk, and fat free hot dogs. So all super healthy and low calorie + low fat. I'm going to the gym right after I finish this post. I'm sooo happy with how this weekend is going. I just hope i can repeat this for the rest of my weekends. No sugars, no starches, no fats, no nuts, no yogurts or cheeses, no candy, no chocolate, no crackers, chips, bread, tortillas, pastries, cake/brownie mixes, no cereal/granola products(my absolute worst enemy). And like a gallon of delicious teas. My goals is to eat less than 800 calories today (unheard of for me on a weekend) and to burn off half of that in exercise. Making my total weekend consumption= 2500 (opposed to my usually 3000-3800) minus 800 burned in exercise= 1700/2= 850 net/day. My usual weekend i would net 1500-1800/day after exercise.
sooooooo excited. I can do this!!!!!!!!

It's friday again....

I've had a relatively ok week, but today is another friday, another start of another weekend. I'm praying that it will be ok. I've gotten rid of most of my problem foods. Hopefully I won't become to desperate and start binging and purging things like plain rice, fruit, or hotdogs (i usually don't b/p on meat products cuz comes up terribly).  I don't know how much I weight right now cuz I binged and purged all day yesterday but I'll try to weight myself tmr morning.

Doing fine on the weekdays

So other than my usual crudy weekends I've been having a great week so far. In the last 2.5 days I've only purged once and have eaten about 1850 calories -650 in exercise. Why can't my weekends be this awesome??? I think if weekends didn't exist I could call myself anorexic. I can go off of 700 calories a day and still workout and lose 2 lbs per week till i'm down to 88lbs. Goddamn you weekends for holding me back.

Anyways, I have a new deadline to meet. On May 27th-30th I'm going to be at a convention that is basically going to be me walking around half naked for 3 days straight. I NEED to slim down for this. I don't want pictures of myself that make me feel awful.

CW: ~100lbs (coughtoofatcough)
GW1: 5/13: 98lbs
GW2: 5/20: 96lbs
GW3: 5/27: 94lbs

ANA help me.

I figure I should be able to achieve this if I didn't spend my weekends stuffing my face and throwing up.

Anti binge strategy:
--throw away food (with the exception of vegetables, fruit, and other expensive low calories foods) on friday nights
--get out of my damn apartment (hell)
--stock up on COFFFFFFEEEEEEEE

Oh Ana Help Me

Coffee I love you, weekends: I wish you were banished from this universe

I hate weekends. I hate saturdays, I hate sundays. I hate late friday nights. Fuck you weekend I'd rather you didn't exist. Let me go into why weekends can suck hairy man balls. I figure if it wasn't for weekends I would lose about 2 lbs per week. I figure this because I gain 2 lbs over the weekends and lose it by friday. If it weren't for the weekends, I would probably be about 10lbs lighter. I don't binge and purge, or eat much in general during weekdays. I have maybe 1000 ish calories per day and hit the gym for a total of about 5 hours. Plus I spend about an hour and a half walking around each day. Conservatively I have a net of about 600-700 calories per day which allows me to undo the 2lbs i gain over the weekend in 5 days. But... when the weekend comes around OMG somebody help me. I binge on anything possible edible think I can get. I don't care if it's icecream, cereal, bread, yogurt, fruit, veggies, rice, milk, hell even raw eggs. And I basically will be binging and purging all day long for about a day and a half. Then I spend my sunday nights trying to recover from all binging and purging.

So in net, I fall behind in everything on weekends. I can't get any of my school work done, I gain weight, I become super exhasted. I want to die pretty much. Sometimes during the weekday I will be like, 'I want to go to the ___ this weekend' but then the weekend comes around and I just wanna give up and rot away which is what I do.

Anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this maddness?

I'm considering trying more drastic measures next weekend cuz I'm so sick of doing so well all week to be thrown back to square 1 because I don't have school for 2 days. I love school, only because it keeps me from throwing up all day long. Next weekend I think what I'll do is I will throw all my food away. Just get rid of all of it. Stock up on coffee and sleeping pills or something like that. I'm so tired of feeling like I'd rather be dead. I'm so tired of feeling so stressed out about my weight and falling behind in classes all because I spend 2 days a week vomiting.