I FUCKIN WIN

Sooo.... I'm sure you're all glad to hear that I'm officially moved out of my apt. Which is wonderful cuz i don't have to live with my ball sucking apartment mate anymore.... During the fall and winter quarter living with her was hell cuz she's sooo fricken rude and just uncomfortable to live with. However, this last spring quarter has been ok, cuz i just stopped caring that she hate my guts for no reason that she's ever cued me in on. it was like one day she just stopped talking to me, even things like saying 'hi' out of plain custom. But this last quarter i feel like the victor. Every time i come back from classes or where ever, i can hear her cursing at me in her room. And every time i just laugh inside because she hasn't even seen me yet but the fact that i am in the vicinity bothers her that much. ahahahaha, stupid cunt deserves it. You know you've won when your opponent can't do anything but say "fuck you" or some other obscenity and you just don't  care at all.

Soooo, I left her a nasty little surprise cuz she's gonna live there all year next year.. har har har,

1. I put raw chicken behind the fridge and oven, let it rot there
2. I bought this horrible smelling cheese called roquefort and smeared it on the bottom of the coffee table, on the outer window sills, in the water facets, i tossed crumbs of it way deep in the back of the oven, on the sponge, and in the mop.
3. I went out and found a bunch of snails and put them under the couch, and behind the fridge, i hope they have babies.
4. I poured a whole bottle of cooking oil in the sink
5. I rinsed her dishes and toothbrush in water from the toilet

Yeah, I'm a bitch and i know it. Hopefully they won't notice anything lol. I'll post more about this later when i have time, have a wonderful day lovelies, if you ever need help getting back at someone i'm a pro.

Finally back to 2 digits...

Sooo.... I've bee ok this week, i did abuse food to some degree but i havent been doing manicly. I did 2 mini binges and purge sessions on friday because i was just around too much cookies and cake that day. But other than that i haven't been so full i just wanted to die since before the convention. I think con shrunk my appetite. That or it's given me other things to think about so my mind does start to wander off to obsess about food. I've been getting better about the obsessive food thoughts. Funny thing is, I eat way less if i just eat out everyday. Isn't that strange? I eat way less if i can't calculate the exact calories of everything before i eat it. So strange how magazines tell you to eat in if you want to lose weight... I'm the exact opposite. When i eat out, i hardly eat even if i'm so hungry that i'm gonna pass out. But at home i eat till i wanna just puke my guts out even if i wasn't hungry.... So yeah. Don't listen to magazines, they're just trying to fuck with you. I mean i eat way less if i eat out cuz i think everything is covered in oil and fat even if it wasn't, so i only eat i tiny amount of it. Not to mention food that you buy in restaurants taste like sweaty under arms anyways. The other things i like about eating out is the huge glasses of ice water. I drink one before the food gets to the table and i'm full.

I've had 1050 calories today, 900 yesterday. I walked off 250 calories today, net 1700 over this past weekend, which if you've been following me for a while, is just about the most amazing news i've ever heard. compare this to the usual 3700 over the weekend back in winter...... god it's amazing. I can't beleive it, for once it's a weekend and i don't want to kill myself when i look in the mirror. For once i don't wish that i could just erase this weekend from history.

I woke up this morning and i was 99.2 lbs.... I thought i would never see the day when i would be back into the 2 digits. It's very encouraging to see this. The biggest motivation for weightloss is seeing those numbers go down. The smaller it gets the small you want it to get. I'm soo happy. My goal is to be 97 lb by friday. I'm getting peircings with my friends on friday, i'm getting anywhere between 3-5 peircings done. I'll decide as i go.


EXCITED!!!

Life is better outside of the blinders of an ed... i want that life

Sooo... I didn't loose much weight during the convention, maybe a pound at most but the convention did remind me that life without bulimia is well... so much better. During the con i was aways with people, even when i was at the room (which i shared with 4-6 other people at  any given time) so i couldn't indulge in my bulimic ways and honestly, it felt awesome. I'm 100% sure that my bulimia is so bad this last year because i have my own room... Privacy is such a bitch sometimes, i'd rather get walked in on having sex than get walked in on while binging or purging. So for 4 days i didnt binge or purge or chew and spit and because of it i had so much more time, and energy to do shit. I didn't feel embarrassed about my body because i wasn't abusing it. I need to practice this more i think. Save all the money i spend on abuse food (50-70$) per week and spend it on better things like cosplaying and going to raves and having FUN. Thats the big thing i think, just to not even focus on food, do thing about it at all, just concentrate on what's really important... people and having fun, and being sucessful in life. I'm sure it's pretty universal with eating disorders that there is a big emphasis with ideas of failure, and being 'not good enough' which is why we feel terrible all the time. Not only do we feel ashamed, that shame is what's keeping us from becoming someone that we are satisfied with. So that's what i want to do now, just not focus on food. Don't look for the next lowest calorie thing, don't try the meals promoted in fitness magazines, don't try the lastest cereal, don't try to cook anything. Just don't pay attention to food. And instead pay attention to whats going on around me, who's throwing a party, what events are going on in the area, who's free to do shit with, what cosplay outfits should i make next... better things. During the con, i got to experience a bit of life without bulimia and now i see all that i'm missing out on. I see now that the key to being thin, is to find other things to occupy the space of food. Other things to pay attention to, other things to use the time.

Convention time.... Dun Dun Duuuunnnn!!!

So I'm not going to be back on blogger till monday sometime. I'm too afraid to weigh myself, though i've been pretty good this week. I'm sure i'll lose weight at the convention, everyone usually loses 5-9 lbs during the duration of the con because you don't eat or sleep for 4 days and you're walking around all day photoshooting, and walking around all night dancing, partying, going crazy basically. I think the ultimate dream come true would be i come back on monday weight 95 lbs. or less. Even though the con is only 15 minutes from my house i'm staying at a hotel with my friends, that way i can party all night and i won't be tempted to binge at home, nor will i feel guilty when my family eats home made meals together cuz i won't be there. Basically at cons the only thing anyone eats are granola bars, cup noodles, Starbucks, ben and jerrys, and Mc donalds. Sounds like a fat ass's paridise right? Yet people still lose shit tons of weight because you are literally on your feet, modeling for 12 hours a day, then you go and party all night, and sleep during those short hours betwen 6 am and 10 am. Plus you only eat once a day because at cons food is soooooo expensive so you only eat when you feel like you're gonna pass out. And repeat for 4 days. I'm sooo excited. I'll put up pictures when i get back. Pray that i fall subject to the con weight loss phenomenon. The other great thing is that there are no markets in the area so i can't buy food to binge and purge even if i wanted to.The only thing i'm worried about is that the people i'll be will like to go out to eat at night like late night. Which is when i'm  weakest interms of being able to resist food. but well see, maybe i'll just wear my corset so tight that 3 sips of water and i feel so full i'm about to explode (i've done this before, and it does hurt, but it's so worth it sometimes). God i'm so excited. I'm going to go to peets later today cuz i need to be awake all night in preparation for this weekend. I might post again later today but right now i have to go to my professor's awards ceremony and a job interview. See you later !!

Sometimes I wish I could do what all the other rich asian girls in Korea do

It's so frustrating to be thin in America. Everywhere you turn people encourage you become fat in some way or another. 'Eat all this ___ and eat all that___ because it'll help you loose weight' LIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 'm sorry but almonds and whole grains will not help you loose weight anymore than inhaling brownies. They tell you to finish what's on your plate, they tell you to indulge on EVERYTHING!!!!!!!! They sell huge amounts of food for only 2 or 3 dollars. I wish this could be like korea sometimes. They tell you to be thinner and thinner, to diet, to look pretty all the time. And when you just cant stand the dieting any more they just tell you to get plastic surgery which is cheap as fuck and that way you hardly have to try and you'll look perfect. Look at all those kpop stars with their full body plastic surgery. They all will look perfect for life for a cost that is only a fraction of the cost here. They don't live in a world where everyone around them is trying to make them fat. Don't you hate it when people say 'oh you're so skinny you should eat something' it soo obvious that they aren't looking out for you health, they're just trying to sabotage you. God i hate america, land of the fat asses and bitches. That's why american's are huge. Every company out there is trying to make us fat in order to sell us solutions that they know won't work. Mean while exercise is something that isn't part of everyday life and everyone is trying to sabotage each other.

I dyed my hair... and it looks like i killed someone while doing it

I'm not going to put up pictures lol cuz that would be kinda risky, but i dyed my  hair red, and when i was washing out the dye, the bathtub was this brilliant blood red. Seriously was a tub of blood red. lol but now my hair is a black cherry red and my friend's hair is a vivid purple under normal light and electric blue under florescent light. As you might have figured out it is a friday..... that means that i have another weekend to watch out for. So, i'm going to try to have a decent weekend. As of right now i don't have any dangerous foods in my room except for uncooked rice. Hopefully i won't get to desperate and spend an hour making rice to chew it up and spit it out. I don't have enough fruits to get me through till monday but i'm debating whether buying more is a good idea or not because i know that i will abuse fruit if i get desperate. Decisions..... i haven't abused food much since tuesday if my memory serves me. I have abused it some, but i haven't went and legitimatel binged and purged or bought a bunch of food and sat in my room to for hours afterwards chewing and spitting. Chewing and spitting i swear is a really hardcore addiction. Even if i am feeling ok, i still want it. Binging and purging is more like to drown out a feeling or thought but chewing and spitting most of the time i just want it and i dont' have a reason. I guess i'm just addicted to it. I need to think of some motivation to ditch it or at least lessen my craving for it. Recently i was looking at some of my old photos before when i was heavier and not addicted to chewing and spitting, my face looks so much thinner back then ironically. I guess it's the swollen glands and over used jaw muscles.   T.T  My motivation is i need to work on my V line, even when i was thin i lost the V line because of the chewing a spitting and purging.... gotta work on that shit.

Speaking of shit.... I'm taking a medical greek and latin class right now cuz i think it will be useful for me cuz i'm a science major, and yesterday i learned a new insult. You should all use it to cuz it's fucking hilarious: Coprolith, it's one of the nastier words we have to learn and it literally means 'shit stone', so now you can go around calling all those fucktards Coproliths.

God don't we love the greeks they has some sick words
--more on greek humor later

Day 1 of my Retro Diet

OMG i feel soooo good right now. I really want to stick with this diet, i feel like i did last year.
what i've eaten so far:
breakfast:
1 apple 150
1 orange 70
coffee 40
2 egg whites 40
7:30 am 300 calories

Lunch 380 calories at the buffet:
big undressed salad with olives, cumbers, tomatoes, and carrots 50
1 bowl of raw broccoli with salt 50
some cooked veggies 50
sobe 0 cal juice 0
cantaloupe 40
pineapple 110
cereal 60 (1/3 cup)
frozen yogurt (2 tablespoons) 20

total so far at 1pm 680 calories
sounds like alot but it's like a total of only 2-3 grams of fat, ~10 grams of processed sugar, and you feel full without feeling like you failed. Plus it's super healthy, you won't need to take your multivitamin garbage if you eat like this.

This was how i ate last year, generally around 700 calories by the time it was afternoon. Minimal processed sugars or carbs, raw fruit and veggies unlimited (because you know it really isn't the carrots and cellery sticks that are making you fat, even if you ate a fuckton of them). The best part is that i don't feel guilty about eating these foods therefore i don't get into the mind set that i already messed up and give in for the day. I mean even if i ate 1 bowl of cereal~160-220 calories or a peanut butter sandwich ~200-350 i would still feel like i messed up and just start bingeing an purging. Even though the cereal or the sandwich is about the same or even fewer calories than a meal of my retro diet, these foods are less healthy and also make me feel as if i was a failure leading me to mess up. I guess that's part of the whole labeling food as 'good' or 'bad'. Even if the calorie count was the same, or reversed, the state of mind it puts me affects the rest of my day and the following days. Feeling guilty or ashamed, feeling weak and pathetic sets me up to sabotage myself in an attempt to drown out these feelings.

The other good thing is that these foods are so bulky that after a huge (yet only 50 calorie salad), a bowl of raw broccoli, 2 cups of fruit, and 2 cups of liquids, 'bad foods' are just not as appealing (cuz i'm stuffed). And even if i do want those foods even after all that, as i did today, those foods are less scary because i'm so full that i couldn't eat more than a few bites worth. They say the first 3 bites of anything is the best tasting, and that's about all i could manage to eat.

Today I ate lunch at the buffet that I ate at almost everyday last year. I've come to like buffets for several reasons:
1. unlimited raw fruit and veggies(salad) bar that is separate from everything else
2. it's public so i can't binge and purge
3. Reverse thinspo EVERYWHERE!! [i want cake, wait look at all the fatties holding cake, nevermind]
4. People tend to be less suspicious of you being anorexic if you say that you go to the buffet all the time but are still skinny.
5. If you really want dessert you can go eat all your veggies first and take only a tiny amount of dessert cuz everything is self serve.
6. And you can call a spoon of yogurt and granola your 'dessert' rather than the whole tub of icecream, or whole box of cookies in your house.
7. hot food at a buffet tastes like shit anyways so after a bite you're done with it

Buffet tips:
-don't even look at the hot food, just head straight to the salad bar which is usually always separate from everything else.
-if you want dessert eat veggies and fruit till you're so full you you can hardly stand (sounds like a lot but it's usually only 200-300 calories) then go and get dessert. you'll be to full to eat more than a few bites worth
-look at all the fat people and see what they eat=crap