omg.... it's almost turkey day....ewww

So last night i ended my day at 900 calories..and burned off 500 in exercise. i was really tempted to binge and purge again yesterday but i was able to wait it out till i went to sleep so i didn't yay!!!! down side, i've eaten 800 calories before noon today.... oh well, sigh, i'm flying back home in a few hours so hopefully i won't eat anything till dinner time, in which i'm hoping to get off the hook with just some veggies and a fruit. I'm hoping to not go over 1100 calories today. I don't really have the opportunity to exercise to day so i'm going to the airport early and pacing around the terminals. hopefully get in an hour or more of walking in. I'll be home around 5 today, at which i will promptly glue my teeth together so i won't eat check the class schedule to make sure i know what classes i can enroll in at 7:30. and try to remember in the process that i need to lose weight for photoshoots!!! and that socializing doesn't have to involve me eating anything! After 8 i'm hopefully going out to hangout with people and have black coffee or tea while the can eat burgers and fries with frozen yogurt.

When i get home after hangning out i'm gonna use the exercise bike at home for an hour!!
If i do all this i should end up under 1100 cals and burned off 360-480 cals =)

Tmr i'm going kareoke in the early part of the day, then hanging out in a coffee shop or something, and then thxgiving dinner.... i won't eat i won't eat i won't eat i won't eat anything but a sliver of turkey breast, some steamed veggies, and maybe some soup. Fill up on low calorie drinks before hand... no dessert! hoping my thxgiving meal is under 300 calories i can do this!!!!!!
goal: under 1000 calories

oh my god blogger it's been so long.... sooo buzy but i promised myself that i need to update

So.... since last time i posted i was still going to my old college. I transfered to a new college now, possibly one of the most talked about colleges of the last 100 years or so. I really like it here, everything is fast, and it's always busy, and there are always things to do. I mean for like and entire month straight i've been tired every damn day from morning to night and it's not from working out. Infact i think i workout less here because i'm so busy all the time.
I don't live in an apartment anymore (thankfuckinggod). I'm living in a triple dorm rather than having my own room and it's helped alot. can't say i really give any shits about my roommates but i am still thankful that i have roommates so i can't just binge and purge in my room all day like i used to. I'm also very thankful to be back on meal swipes at the dorms. In all honesty i'm alot happier here even though my grades aren't as good, i'm always tired, i have no privacy, ect ect. I love living in a dorm because it means that disorder can't have total control over me when ever it fucking wants. I can't really binge when my roommates are around and i can't really eat unhealthy things infront of them either (i'm to embarassed to). I have a meal plan that gets rid of the necessity of going to a super market a few times a week (i go maybe once a week just cuz sometimes i do get my chewing and spitting cravings and cravings for things not in the dining hall. But with that said, i'm weighing myself again. For me this is a huge step up for my emotional state. When i was anorexic i was unhappy but more so at my life and less so directly at myself, hence i could weigh myself without feeling to bad. The number is never low enough but at the same time, it just motivated me to go lower. However after i started living in an apt and gaining weight from all those late night binge and purge sessions in my room i hated my body so much that i couldn't weigh myself. seeing myself naked hurt to much so i basically didn't really keep to much track of my body for the whole year. i went from around 93 lb up to 102-105 ish.

Even though i always purged extensively after my binges, my binges were much much worse in the apt. I did binge and purge 2-4 times per week when i was anorexic but in the apt it went to 6-9 times per week. My binges in the apt were bigger becuase it wasn't just some cereal and cookies in the dinning hall. My binges in the apt were usually $15-25 worth of cereal, cake, cookies, cake mixes, yogurts, pies, icecream, cheese cake, crackers, brownies, oatmeal, granola, bars, Jars of  peanut butter. every possible junkfood you can buy the whole box of in the supermarket for like $3 each......

here i still binge and purge but it's gone back down to the 2-4 times per week and my binges now are a few bowls of cereal maybe a peice of cake and some cookies or candy bars, but the quantities over all are an order of magnitude less.

That being said, i'm happy to say that when i moved into my dorm i was 102.5 lbs, and stayed that way till about mid october. October 15th i was stil 102.5 but i decided i really was going to give it my best to get back down to my ana weight. What motivated me was that i had photoshoots to do in early november.... in a bikini..... in a crowded public location and the photos would end up on the internet........ soooooo yeah pretty big motivation for me. happy to say that right now, i weigh 96.8 lbs. Thats a little over 5 lbs in 5 weeks... I am soooo happy right now. i haven't been 97 lbs for about a year and a half now.... I can't wait to be back down where i belong, where i can look at my body and say, 'yes this is my body' and not be to ashamed to look at it.When i was 93 lbs my measurements were 32.5-23.5-33, at 103: 33-25.5-34.5(sooo damn fat!!!) right now i'm 32-24.5-33.5 about half way, a few more lbs and inches to go!!! gogogogo!!!!

 i was about 97.5 lbs during my photoshoots and i think people liked that, i mean essentially as soon as one shoot was done, another photographer come and pick me up right away so essentially i did 13 photoshoots in 2 days.... I've seen some of the pictures and i'm happy i lost weight for those photos. I'm not entirely happy with them, but it's a great improvement from before, I got over 20 buisness cards from photographers in 2 days and i'm setting up around 10-15 photoshoots for my winter break with the photographers i met.

The thing i'm praying for right now is that i continue to drop weight and stay under 100lbs though break. I swear i gain weight like crazy when i go home, all that food everywhere @.@ in my dorm there pretty much isn't anything to eat, i have to leave and go to a cafe or dining hall to get food (great help btw, no point going out to eat if it's to late or balls cold ect.) most of the photoshoots i'm setting up for december-january are going to in bikini/bra tops with micro short skirts or shorts. so yeah....... lots of skin to be showing while outside in the middle of winter but if i'm skinny enough i won't mind it, because i know when i see those pictures it'll all be worth it. I can't wait to have pictures me when i am skinny all over the damn internet! And it's going to feel even better because recently i checked up on my old bitch roommate, the one who gave me so much hell last year, her whole fb wall is filled with pictures of all the chocolate and desserts she eating puntuated by her complaing that she's getting fat XDDDDD MUWAHAHAHAHA i'm and awful person. I can't wait to be a waif. just 4 more lbs to go till i' back to my lowest weight!!!!!!!!!! i've already lost 5.7 lbs!! more than half way there!!!!
 I CAN DO THIS!!
I'LL NEVER GIVE UP!!!
STARVE, DIET, WORKOUT, AND LOSE WEIGHT FOR: COSPLAY, PHOTOSHOOTS, PERFECTION, SMITE, HATRED, THE DAD THAT NEVER LOVED YOU, AND THAT BITCH/DOUCHE WHO GAVE YOU HELL.

pretty friends...

I've always wanted them. pretty friends. those friends who are so effortlessly thin and beautiful it's hard to believe such people exist. And now i'm starting to get them. the thing is with pretty friends, is they know everyone and everyone knows them. Recently i've been making all these beautiful and increadibly thin friends. like they are anorexic skinny without seeming to give a shit about what they eat or drink and they are beautiful with great fashion sense. I mean these people even have a fanbase of both girls and guys after them and they don't even do the entertainment industry or youtube video thing. No these people have thousands of friends, buddies, ect on every profile they have.... and these are their fans(girls/boys) and stalkers, ect. I've never had pretty friends until now. no, i was aways the smallest of my friends and considered to be one of the prettier ones. but now i'm the short stubby not as pretty friend. I need to get thinner... thinner.... don't eat ever again. i should burn my tounge till it's black or something.... the only good thing about being home is i can't binge on things like cookies, cakes, pastries, icecream, junk like that.... though at the same time there is so much more food in the house and most of those foods are not foods i normally eat. They have oil and meat and sause and r cooked.... so i eat alot, but alot of non b/p type foods. idk i guess it evens out. but i'mm still toooo fat. i feel heavy and i look heavy. I'm starting my fast at 1am on monday, till 1 pm tuesday, may try to extend it if i can... tea coffee lettuce tomatos

oh tooo fulll

I've eaten to much recently, i feel full and hence kinda drowzy... though i have been having a lot of fun this week. i've been out almost everyday. last saturday i got back home, sunday i went out shopping with michael and jamie, monday i went kareoke. tuesday i visited school with Nate, wednesday i was sewing while chatting with my old friend minrose and audrey, thursday i went back to school to show off some art work then went shopping at a fabric store. friday i went on a date with a super cool girl i know, saturday i cut off most of my friend's hair (all her life she's been able to sit on her hair, now it doesn't even reach her bra band) and went shopping for various adhesives. and now it's 1 am on sunday, a week later... later today i'm gonna cut avi and oni's hair and go out kareoke wiht my cousins. God this week feels like a month. This is the longest week i've ever had... doing something everyday is tireing. i haven't been exercising since at home i don't have access to a gym and i'm going places all day. I'm gonna try for under 500 for a few days. tmr i'm gonna try and sneak out of eating, and monday since my family is gonna be out i'm gonna try to fast. i need to get skinny again. The girl i went on a date with, she is suuuuupper skinny, like skinny like my sis. except she's 118 lbs at 5'4" which doesn't seem thin, but she can wear a designer size 23 jeans, and they are still baggy like guy pants at her thighs...... i'm so jealous. she can wear a padded bra and still pass as a guy as long as she's not wearing a skin tight shirt.... soo jealous. shes' super strong too, i've seen her pick up 250lbs boxes at work... and she even works in a candy store.... plus her metabolism is so fast that she doesn't get drunk... EVER she can outdrink everyone.... at every party... @.@ soooooooo jealous. I still love the girl, even though i'm itching with envy.... some people have it all i swear...

I wish i could just dislike food, i wanna burn my tounge, like really burn it till i kill my taste buds so that i won't like food anymore.... i want to be skinny, more so than anything else...

jealousy jealousy

I've got to admit, i am super jealous of my little sis Audrey, she's not actually my sister, she's more like my ex-friend's sister that me and my other girl friends condsider as our little sister cuz none of us have a little sister and we all think her brother is a douche. I'm sure of all the girls i know she's the thinnest. i'm guessing shes around 83 lbs at 5'3" it's a close guess. I was taking her measurments today because i was sewing a costume for her since she doens't know how to use the sewing machine. omg she's soooo skinny. she's not a child anymore though i still seem to think of her as one, she just turned 18 @.@ still can't beleive it. in my mind she'll always be 14. it's possible because she still looks like a kid and acts like one. It's hard to beleive that she's 18 now. She's not a girly girl. in fact she just wears her brothers hand me downs everyday which are mostly baggy cargo pants and over sized shirts and jackets. I don't know how it is that she's soooo thin. she never works out, and really don'ts care much about her body or appearance in general. i guess there are those people who are just naturally waifs. her thighs make a super models thighs look fat.. she's the only girl who still look anorexic even in candy cane striped stockings... I wish i could be as thin as she was. I don't think she is ana or mia. she's genuinly happy to have food, and i know shes not playing happy.. she's the type who so gulible and naive that she'd fall anything people tell her...

Today was kinda a bad day, i ate way to much before noon, then binged and purged some icecream. plus i didn't excercise, but i got to spead time with people i haven't seen for a long time.

I'm gonna fast tonight till friday at noon... i hate how big i am....

For the first time in a few days..

i'm going to sleep hungry.... =D i'm so happy, i feel light, i feel clean, i feel relatively empty, and my feet are in so much pain that i can rest with the satisfaction that i worked hard today. i'm gonna feel skinny when i wake up... i want it, i want it soo bad. Ana save me from the feeling of failure. Save me from feeling powerless. Save me from the gaze of men. Save me from caring how my father doesn't love me. Save me from being nothing.

oh how i hate my dad...

so, my fast on monday failed.... damn. today i tried to fast... ended up with 1000 fricken calories. at least they were all mostly from fruits veggies and cheese. but on the plus side i burned off 750 calories today. i'm super proud of that. after eating too much since friday and not working out enough this feels amazing. i feel somewhat clean for the first time in days... soo good, sooo motivated

in other news i found out that my dad has been cheating on my mom. it makes me hate him even more than i already do. My dad is part of the reason why i have an eating disorder. like he makes me want to commit suicide everytime i talk to him. all he does is put me down and tell me i'm not good enough. I feel like he'll never love me, i'll never be good enough for him to treat me as a human being and not as dirt. My mom does her best to be there for me even though she doesn't understand me at all(something she admits too). but my dad is never there for me. he's never home, he never comforts me when i'm extremely depressed, if i'm not doing well he tells me that i'm not good enough and makes it my fault that i'm unhappy. Also he hates who i am because i am a non-conformist. I am strong headed and i don't give a damn about what people think or say about me. in all honesty even though i am smaller than just about everyone else my presences scares people very fast. i'm the kind of girl who won't take your bullshit, and will demolish who ever i hate. generally people tell me i look like a badass bitch even though i'm a tiny asian girl... but that's ok, i'd rather scare off weaker people. i can't stand to be around them too much because i feel like i'll run them right over. But yeah, my dad hates that i'm not willing to change myself for others, something i take great pride in. I have a good reason not to yeild to people. I've been sexually abused by a guy when i didn't own up to who i was and what i felt. I was weak and beause of that i was forced to do things that i feel ashamed about to this day, i felt so ashamed that i became anorexic after that year of abuse. So after that i decided i will never yeild to someone elses wishes. Plus there is no point in being friends with people you can't stand. The fact that my mom is a pretty passive person and taht my dad cheated on her gives me even more reason to own up to whatever i want to do. After that he'll never be able to make me eat again. I'm hate him so much right now that thinking about him makes me want thin even more. He thinks 100 lbs is to light, well fuck him, i'll drop down to 90 because i hate him so much.