Ok, so last week uuughhh last week. I pretty much binged everyday and i couldn't purge nor exercise.... because i was just to stressed-the-fuck-out. I haven't weighed myself since before in which i was 94.8 lbs. but the last 2 days have been decent. I started working out like mad again now that my schedule has freed up a bit due to the finishing of round 1 of midterms. I know i haven't recovered from last week yet interms of weight. I litterally felt like a sick over bloated pig everyday T.T but I making a point to try to undo as much of that as i can. pretty much every part of my body is sore or tired from working out 2xs per day for a the last couple of days. I'm going to work out 1 or 2 times per day till friday, then once on saturday and once on sunday if my joints can handle it. my goal is to be back down to at minimum 96 lbs by friday/saturday in and around there. Not sure how much i have to lose by then but god i hope i make it. I'm crossing my fingers that my ammenorea has come back. so far i'm about 10 days late, hopefully that means i didn't gain to much weight. I'm hoping to basically not have it again till at least july. *cross fingers*
In terms of school and everything i'm doing soso, like B+--C range. It's to be expected. I mean it's fricken ucla after all and i have 18 units all of which are science major required course. I'm just praying to make it through and not flip my shit and fail a course or 2.
Yesterday was valentine's day i'm sure most people are aware of that. I don't understand why single people gripe so much about being single... I mean I personally made a choice to stay single for the rest of my life 3 years ago and i'd like to stick by that choice. 50% of marriages fail, a large part of the ones that don't are only intact for sake of children or social benefits, ect ect. in my opinion, people who are single are probably happier off in the long run. Not to mention sex makes me want to vomit as i find it to be repulsive and insulting to myself. honestly the only thing i wouldn't feel ashamed of myself for playing dirty to is the camera.. maybe because it can't look back at you with lustful putrifying eyes
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
I must really hate myself though i don't really beleive i do...
Binge, purge, feel like shit, promise never again, feel like shit, binge, purge, feel like even worse shit...and repeat
I'm sure you're all familiar with this.... A day in the life of bulimia. So monday and tuesday i fuck myself over, wednesday i'm terrific, today i've be stressed out of my mind because i haven't actually be able to sleep for days now, and 18 units is finally really catching up to me and i feel like i just want to all go away.
I've been restless at night since around idk sunday or saturday night now. The stress from my midterms is eating me alive. Like it gets under my skin even as i am trying to go to bed. The worry and anxiety makes my mind a heart race and i can't drift off. I can't tell if the nightmares are real or not. I can't tell if what i think is happening or is it just my worries playing out in my mind.
I failed today, i was doing well until around noon when i finally could take the no sleep and fear of my impossibly hard lap practical later in the day. So i ate, I ate around 900 calories, not in a very binge like fashion, but it's not something i'm totally ok with either. I take my lab practical and i'm pretty sure i failed. literally through the whole test i wanted to puke because i knew i would fail. In bulimia i guess it's safe to assume that failure=puking. If you feel like a failure you go and binge so you can throw up. If you binged you feel like a failture and you go and throw up. At least that's what it's been for me for the past like 2.5 years now? something like that. but after my lab, i was ready to cry. I didn't want to binge and purge persay, I mean what I really wanted was a hug and beleive that everything was still ok, that the world wasn't ending. But the thing is, i don't have anything like that. I never have. All my life when i felt terrible and worried and like a complete failure there's nobody to turn to. As a child if i turned to my dad he'd just call me a failure and basically made me believe that my life was as good as over. If i turned to my mom she wouldn't understand as just ask me what i did wrong to make the situation happen. I never could trust friends with things that i was deeply ashamed of. not when i was 6 nor when i was 12, not when i was in highschool and definately not now. So because i know that i can never find comfort in other people i just turn to what i know which is bulimia. Before i had an ED I'd turn to other similar kinds of methods. In highschool it was risky behavior, in middleschool it was locking myself i my own little world. In elemetary school i would just pray everyday that 95% of everyone i knew and the time would just die so i could be alone in the world of my fantasy. But either way, at any stage. Comfort has come at some distructive cost. I went from hating everyone i knew to seclusion, to risky things that i'm still ashamed to remember to this day.
And in all this there is no forgiveness. Who actually feels like their problems have reach some sort of resolve after binging and purging? I know i don't. I go through hell, then give myself hell for not being whatever i call "good enough" then go and force food in my face so i can go throw up, all just to still feel like shit and take a fuck ton of laxitives that i know are going to make me feel like a bunch of people stomping on by body, but i somehow can justify doing all this. I wonder why... I'm not sure if it's because I want comfort and am some how ashamed to know that that is what i need/want, or is it because i don't beleive that i should deserve, want or need it and somehow the fact that i do is something that needs to be squandered and punished.
There's only a short instance of psudo-resolve while binging because of the disgusting soothing nature of food that we come to love and hate. Yet for those who don't have another means to comfort, that instance of comfort that we get from food is enough to hook us. Which is the terribly sad thing honestly, to do all this, to hurt ourselves that much for an instance of false comfort, that we know wont last yet we don't care because at the moment the need for relief is too much.
I tried to contact my mom today right around the time before i started eating. She asked me to try contacting her instead to resorting to food so i did. i haven't been keeping binge foods in my room recently, nor have i been buying them in large amounts and storing them under my desk (yay +1 for me) so i had that critical moment before i can get changed so i can run down the hill to the on campus junk food store or dining hall. But the fricken bitch was just like you're over reacting and you're having to much fun thats why you feel all stressed out now. Fun my goddamn ass. who's definition of fun is losing a weeks worth of sleep to stress-mares, walking around like a zombie during the day, and just being so on edge that you're practically shaking? My mom is awesome except for the fact that the woman is as dense as a brick when it comes to understanding how other people feel. I think that's why my parents are married, my dad knows how to make people feel like shit and my mom doesn't understand what it means to feel like shit.
I'm waiting right now... waiting waiting waiting, i don't know what i'm waiting for really, it's just i don't know if i have the mental capacity or the willingness to do productive things that i feel like i should be doing. i'm waiting for the laxitives. I'm waiting for the feeling of being full to go away. I'm waiting for it to be late enough so i can take some sleeping pills and pray that the fricken decide to work today. I'm waiting for my feelings to pass so that i can be good and clean again. I'm waiting for my strength and motivation to return. I wish i didn't suck at playing this game. Waiting for things has never been my strong point.
I'm sure you're all familiar with this.... A day in the life of bulimia. So monday and tuesday i fuck myself over, wednesday i'm terrific, today i've be stressed out of my mind because i haven't actually be able to sleep for days now, and 18 units is finally really catching up to me and i feel like i just want to all go away.
I've been restless at night since around idk sunday or saturday night now. The stress from my midterms is eating me alive. Like it gets under my skin even as i am trying to go to bed. The worry and anxiety makes my mind a heart race and i can't drift off. I can't tell if the nightmares are real or not. I can't tell if what i think is happening or is it just my worries playing out in my mind.
I failed today, i was doing well until around noon when i finally could take the no sleep and fear of my impossibly hard lap practical later in the day. So i ate, I ate around 900 calories, not in a very binge like fashion, but it's not something i'm totally ok with either. I take my lab practical and i'm pretty sure i failed. literally through the whole test i wanted to puke because i knew i would fail. In bulimia i guess it's safe to assume that failure=puking. If you feel like a failure you go and binge so you can throw up. If you binged you feel like a failture and you go and throw up. At least that's what it's been for me for the past like 2.5 years now? something like that. but after my lab, i was ready to cry. I didn't want to binge and purge persay, I mean what I really wanted was a hug and beleive that everything was still ok, that the world wasn't ending. But the thing is, i don't have anything like that. I never have. All my life when i felt terrible and worried and like a complete failure there's nobody to turn to. As a child if i turned to my dad he'd just call me a failure and basically made me believe that my life was as good as over. If i turned to my mom she wouldn't understand as just ask me what i did wrong to make the situation happen. I never could trust friends with things that i was deeply ashamed of. not when i was 6 nor when i was 12, not when i was in highschool and definately not now. So because i know that i can never find comfort in other people i just turn to what i know which is bulimia. Before i had an ED I'd turn to other similar kinds of methods. In highschool it was risky behavior, in middleschool it was locking myself i my own little world. In elemetary school i would just pray everyday that 95% of everyone i knew and the time would just die so i could be alone in the world of my fantasy. But either way, at any stage. Comfort has come at some distructive cost. I went from hating everyone i knew to seclusion, to risky things that i'm still ashamed to remember to this day.
And in all this there is no forgiveness. Who actually feels like their problems have reach some sort of resolve after binging and purging? I know i don't. I go through hell, then give myself hell for not being whatever i call "good enough" then go and force food in my face so i can go throw up, all just to still feel like shit and take a fuck ton of laxitives that i know are going to make me feel like a bunch of people stomping on by body, but i somehow can justify doing all this. I wonder why... I'm not sure if it's because I want comfort and am some how ashamed to know that that is what i need/want, or is it because i don't beleive that i should deserve, want or need it and somehow the fact that i do is something that needs to be squandered and punished.
There's only a short instance of psudo-resolve while binging because of the disgusting soothing nature of food that we come to love and hate. Yet for those who don't have another means to comfort, that instance of comfort that we get from food is enough to hook us. Which is the terribly sad thing honestly, to do all this, to hurt ourselves that much for an instance of false comfort, that we know wont last yet we don't care because at the moment the need for relief is too much.
I tried to contact my mom today right around the time before i started eating. She asked me to try contacting her instead to resorting to food so i did. i haven't been keeping binge foods in my room recently, nor have i been buying them in large amounts and storing them under my desk (yay +1 for me) so i had that critical moment before i can get changed so i can run down the hill to the on campus junk food store or dining hall. But the fricken bitch was just like you're over reacting and you're having to much fun thats why you feel all stressed out now. Fun my goddamn ass. who's definition of fun is losing a weeks worth of sleep to stress-mares, walking around like a zombie during the day, and just being so on edge that you're practically shaking? My mom is awesome except for the fact that the woman is as dense as a brick when it comes to understanding how other people feel. I think that's why my parents are married, my dad knows how to make people feel like shit and my mom doesn't understand what it means to feel like shit.
I'm waiting right now... waiting waiting waiting, i don't know what i'm waiting for really, it's just i don't know if i have the mental capacity or the willingness to do productive things that i feel like i should be doing. i'm waiting for the laxitives. I'm waiting for the feeling of being full to go away. I'm waiting for it to be late enough so i can take some sleeping pills and pray that the fricken decide to work today. I'm waiting for my feelings to pass so that i can be good and clean again. I'm waiting for my strength and motivation to return. I wish i didn't suck at playing this game. Waiting for things has never been my strong point.
A new day another chance
I did pretty well yesterday, clocked in at 600 calories, all from super healthy things i don't regret eating. I worked hard yesterday to make up for a shity monday and tuesday. I had class from 10-6pm and then I made a mini white track jacket. The jacket is flipping adorable. I actually kinda want to make more of them cuz they're so damn cute. It didn't take me long to make. I made the pattern over the weekend and sewed it with lining in under 3 hours. I'm gonna go back and do a few small modifications but hopefully by the end of this weekend i'll have a super sexy new jacket for cosplay. I also am hoping that by the end of the weekend my sins will be made up for. I guess if i'm under 95 lbs by sunday i'll know. I'm hopeful because my period hasn't come yet. it's 4 days late and i hope i miss it this month *crossing fingers* when i'm under 95-96 lbs i generally miss my period all together. This last month has been i guess a good one over all. I've never gotten so much done in so little time. In a reflection of the past month, i've:
*kept up with an 18 unit load (of which are all bio major required classes at one of the most well known universities across the damn planet)
*Made a full cosplay costume accesories and all
*made a legit jacket
*lost around 4 lbs =D
yeah i would say even though i've had some mishaps this has been a pretty sucessful month. I've been stressed out beyond reasonability but whatever, it doesn't matter as long as i'm getting thinner. I litterally can't sleep anymore, I'm sooo dead tired every fricken day and i can feel it in my eyeballs but come night time i'll toss and turn until 6:30 am.... and repeat. Tired to the point of delirium and too on a roll and stressed out to sleep. Like i can hear my heard pounding in my head as I try and fail to sleep.... god i hope i can keep upwith this for 6 more weeks. I think i've went through over 25 cans on energy drinks in the past month >.> maybe more..... I'm sure my roommates must think i'm flipping shit insane by now. There are litteraly like 3 empty cans of rock star on my desk and another 6 empty cans in the trash... and i emptied that shit less than a week ago.... I'd have to say though.... energy drinks make an awesome breakfast. After i started having them for breakfast i realize that part of the reason why i crave food all day and just want to stuff my face is because of breakfast. If i can get through not eating till like lunch I can finish the day with under 1000 calories easily... if i eat breakfast, omg, i just want to eat until i can't fricken breath. It does kinda suck though to try to sleep for hours and hours and just be tossing and turning and hungry.... and before i can' grab my card and stuff my face full of breakfast if i can grab and engergy drink or two, the day goes by much better. which reminds me i gotta go restock on these things. I just finished my last one T.T
*kept up with an 18 unit load (of which are all bio major required classes at one of the most well known universities across the damn planet)
*Made a full cosplay costume accesories and all
*made a legit jacket
*lost around 4 lbs =D
yeah i would say even though i've had some mishaps this has been a pretty sucessful month. I've been stressed out beyond reasonability but whatever, it doesn't matter as long as i'm getting thinner. I litterally can't sleep anymore, I'm sooo dead tired every fricken day and i can feel it in my eyeballs but come night time i'll toss and turn until 6:30 am.... and repeat. Tired to the point of delirium and too on a roll and stressed out to sleep. Like i can hear my heard pounding in my head as I try and fail to sleep.... god i hope i can keep upwith this for 6 more weeks. I think i've went through over 25 cans on energy drinks in the past month >.> maybe more..... I'm sure my roommates must think i'm flipping shit insane by now. There are litteraly like 3 empty cans of rock star on my desk and another 6 empty cans in the trash... and i emptied that shit less than a week ago.... I'd have to say though.... energy drinks make an awesome breakfast. After i started having them for breakfast i realize that part of the reason why i crave food all day and just want to stuff my face is because of breakfast. If i can get through not eating till like lunch I can finish the day with under 1000 calories easily... if i eat breakfast, omg, i just want to eat until i can't fricken breath. It does kinda suck though to try to sleep for hours and hours and just be tossing and turning and hungry.... and before i can' grab my card and stuff my face full of breakfast if i can grab and engergy drink or two, the day goes by much better. which reminds me i gotta go restock on these things. I just finished my last one T.T
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
I really need to start doing this again.
I should start posting regularly again. It's my only outlet for my ED... I was down quite a bit this past weekend but for the last 2 days it's been stuffing my face every second i can... I was 94.7 lbs....I was soooo close to my LW..... Fuck. I need to do better. I need to stop being such a pathetic, weak, idiot. I've had 5000 calories since monday...... it so much, it's 5 days worth.... and this is after i've purged as much as i can. I couldn't purge today. The cut on my hand reopened and my thoat is shot from repeatedly shoving my whole hand back there. I need to stop, I need to feel clean again. I want to fast until sunday, even though i know i'm never really sucessful with fasts. But i'll try anyways. I'll try because i never give up no mater how terrible things get. I always fail, but if i don't give up, I always will have a shot at suceeding. I guess that's really my only strong point. That I always keep on going.
Tommorow, Thrusday, Friday, Saturday.... 4 days, no food, just empty. I don't care if i pass out, I don't care if i fail my midterm, I don't care if it hurts. I must always remember that the hatred i have for myself will always hurt more than food could ever help me feel better. I have to remember that food, only ads fuel to the hatred i have towards myself.
I have nothing here except a few 100 cal bags of sugar free kettle corn and 2 sugar free rockstars. I've hid my wallet. My goal is to not spend money for the next 4 days. Don't buy anything. Don't believe that food is necessary, comforting, or worth losing myself too. Delete all the news feed posts about food i see on facebook, turn down all the invites to dinner, ignore all those who say I look fine and don't need to diet. They're just ignorant. They don't know the need to feel comfortable with themselves. They think comfort lies in the eyes of another, but it actually lies within ourselves. I won't give in, I won't stop until I can love me.
I need to stop trying to make the stress go away with food, because it only makes it worse. I need to change my views of feeling stress from the need to become numb to understanding that i feel stressed because i care about myself in relation to whatever is freaking me out. If it's school i need to understand that it's because i care about doing well and that i want to do well even if i hate it because i'll hate it even more if i do poorly. If it's lonliness i need to understand it's because i care enough to want to not feel lonely. I need to embrace what i feel rather than try to cover it in sugar. Pain is only painful if you think it is.... A feeling is only real if you think it is.... A craving is only a craving because you want to believe it is when it's not.
Most of the time all of these things are just there because of lack of sleep or lack of hobby time... they aren't really what you think they are. Fight it!
Pills pills pill, water water water, sew sew sew, exercise exercise excercise, sleep sleep sleep never stop fighting.
Tommorow, Thrusday, Friday, Saturday.... 4 days, no food, just empty. I don't care if i pass out, I don't care if i fail my midterm, I don't care if it hurts. I must always remember that the hatred i have for myself will always hurt more than food could ever help me feel better. I have to remember that food, only ads fuel to the hatred i have towards myself.
I have nothing here except a few 100 cal bags of sugar free kettle corn and 2 sugar free rockstars. I've hid my wallet. My goal is to not spend money for the next 4 days. Don't buy anything. Don't believe that food is necessary, comforting, or worth losing myself too. Delete all the news feed posts about food i see on facebook, turn down all the invites to dinner, ignore all those who say I look fine and don't need to diet. They're just ignorant. They don't know the need to feel comfortable with themselves. They think comfort lies in the eyes of another, but it actually lies within ourselves. I won't give in, I won't stop until I can love me.
I need to stop trying to make the stress go away with food, because it only makes it worse. I need to change my views of feeling stress from the need to become numb to understanding that i feel stressed because i care about myself in relation to whatever is freaking me out. If it's school i need to understand that it's because i care about doing well and that i want to do well even if i hate it because i'll hate it even more if i do poorly. If it's lonliness i need to understand it's because i care enough to want to not feel lonely. I need to embrace what i feel rather than try to cover it in sugar. Pain is only painful if you think it is.... A feeling is only real if you think it is.... A craving is only a craving because you want to believe it is when it's not.
Most of the time all of these things are just there because of lack of sleep or lack of hobby time... they aren't really what you think they are. Fight it!
Pills pills pill, water water water, sew sew sew, exercise exercise excercise, sleep sleep sleep never stop fighting.
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