I haven't posted since around thxgiving time. I hate home. Home makes me fatter than ever. It's like when i go home it's always to cold and there is food everywhere so i basically binge and purge every second i'm there. On top of that after i leave it takes a few days for my blood sugar to stabilize so that i don't crave binge food all day long. I think my body is readjusted to sugar and fatfree again. But at the cost i'm 98 lbs again... ugggghhh so fat. A few days ago i had these horrible binges and i for some reason couldn't purge.... T.T I tried to purge for a whole hour and i just couldn't get anything out except water and traces of whatever i ate 6 hours ago rather than what i just shoved down my throat.... It's a terrible feeling when you felt like you've screwed up so you mine as well go binge so that you can purge just to find out after you finished binging you can't purge at all. I binged on a bag of chocolate nut trailmix, almond butter, candy, and cereal. I feel so filthy. I need to get clean again. I need to drop weight, I need to find out a way to not binge all day at home.
I just worked out my schedule for my break. And i have 2 extensive periods where i dont' have any shoots planned, 18th-22 and 24-30th.... i need to do something about that because those will be the times i'm most likely to binge all day and get hella fat..... In those days i need to occupy myself from morning to night with shoots, or hanging out, just being away from food and privacy.....
Monday, December 5, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
omg.... it's almost turkey day....ewww
So last night i ended my day at 900 calories..and burned off 500 in exercise. i was really tempted to binge and purge again yesterday but i was able to wait it out till i went to sleep so i didn't yay!!!! down side, i've eaten 800 calories before noon today.... oh well, sigh, i'm flying back home in a few hours so hopefully i won't eat anything till dinner time, in which i'm hoping to get off the hook with just some veggies and a fruit. I'm hoping to not go over 1100 calories today. I don't really have the opportunity to exercise to day so i'm going to the airport early and pacing around the terminals. hopefully get in an hour or more of walking in. I'll be home around 5 today, at which i will promptly glue my teeth together so i won't eat check the class schedule to make sure i know what classes i can enroll in at 7:30. and try to remember in the process that i need to lose weight for photoshoots!!! and that socializing doesn't have to involve me eating anything! After 8 i'm hopefully going out to hangout with people and have black coffee or tea while the can eat burgers and fries with frozen yogurt.
When i get home after hangning out i'm gonna use the exercise bike at home for an hour!!
If i do all this i should end up under 1100 cals and burned off 360-480 cals =)
Tmr i'm going kareoke in the early part of the day, then hanging out in a coffee shop or something, and then thxgiving dinner.... i won't eat i won't eat i won't eat i won't eat anything but a sliver of turkey breast, some steamed veggies, and maybe some soup. Fill up on low calorie drinks before hand... no dessert! hoping my thxgiving meal is under 300 calories i can do this!!!!!!
goal: under 1000 calories
When i get home after hangning out i'm gonna use the exercise bike at home for an hour!!
If i do all this i should end up under 1100 cals and burned off 360-480 cals =)
Tmr i'm going kareoke in the early part of the day, then hanging out in a coffee shop or something, and then thxgiving dinner.... i won't eat i won't eat i won't eat i won't eat anything but a sliver of turkey breast, some steamed veggies, and maybe some soup. Fill up on low calorie drinks before hand... no dessert! hoping my thxgiving meal is under 300 calories i can do this!!!!!!
goal: under 1000 calories
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
oh my god blogger it's been so long.... sooo buzy but i promised myself that i need to update
So.... since last time i posted i was still going to my old college. I transfered to a new college now, possibly one of the most talked about colleges of the last 100 years or so. I really like it here, everything is fast, and it's always busy, and there are always things to do. I mean for like and entire month straight i've been tired every damn day from morning to night and it's not from working out. Infact i think i workout less here because i'm so busy all the time.
I don't live in an apartment anymore (thankfuckinggod). I'm living in a triple dorm rather than having my own room and it's helped alot. can't say i really give any shits about my roommates but i am still thankful that i have roommates so i can't just binge and purge in my room all day like i used to. I'm also very thankful to be back on meal swipes at the dorms. In all honesty i'm alot happier here even though my grades aren't as good, i'm always tired, i have no privacy, ect ect. I love living in a dorm because it means that disorder can't have total control over me when ever it fucking wants. I can't really binge when my roommates are around and i can't really eat unhealthy things infront of them either (i'm to embarassed to). I have a meal plan that gets rid of the necessity of going to a super market a few times a week (i go maybe once a week just cuz sometimes i do get my chewing and spitting cravings and cravings for things not in the dining hall. But with that said, i'm weighing myself again. For me this is a huge step up for my emotional state. When i was anorexic i was unhappy but more so at my life and less so directly at myself, hence i could weigh myself without feeling to bad. The number is never low enough but at the same time, it just motivated me to go lower. However after i started living in an apt and gaining weight from all those late night binge and purge sessions in my room i hated my body so much that i couldn't weigh myself. seeing myself naked hurt to much so i basically didn't really keep to much track of my body for the whole year. i went from around 93 lb up to 102-105 ish.
Even though i always purged extensively after my binges, my binges were much much worse in the apt. I did binge and purge 2-4 times per week when i was anorexic but in the apt it went to 6-9 times per week. My binges in the apt were bigger becuase it wasn't just some cereal and cookies in the dinning hall. My binges in the apt were usually $15-25 worth of cereal, cake, cookies, cake mixes, yogurts, pies, icecream, cheese cake, crackers, brownies, oatmeal, granola, bars, Jars of peanut butter. every possible junkfood you can buy the whole box of in the supermarket for like $3 each......
here i still binge and purge but it's gone back down to the 2-4 times per week and my binges now are a few bowls of cereal maybe a peice of cake and some cookies or candy bars, but the quantities over all are an order of magnitude less.
That being said, i'm happy to say that when i moved into my dorm i was 102.5 lbs, and stayed that way till about mid october. October 15th i was stil 102.5 but i decided i really was going to give it my best to get back down to my ana weight. What motivated me was that i had photoshoots to do in early november.... in a bikini..... in a crowded public location and the photos would end up on the internet........ soooooo yeah pretty big motivation for me. happy to say that right now, i weigh 96.8 lbs. Thats a little over 5 lbs in 5 weeks... I am soooo happy right now. i haven't been 97 lbs for about a year and a half now.... I can't wait to be back down where i belong, where i can look at my body and say, 'yes this is my body' and not be to ashamed to look at it.When i was 93 lbs my measurements were 32.5-23.5-33, at 103: 33-25.5-34.5(sooo damn fat!!!) right now i'm 32-24.5-33.5 about half way, a few more lbs and inches to go!!! gogogogo!!!!
i was about 97.5 lbs during my photoshoots and i think people liked that, i mean essentially as soon as one shoot was done, another photographer come and pick me up right away so essentially i did 13 photoshoots in 2 days.... I've seen some of the pictures and i'm happy i lost weight for those photos. I'm not entirely happy with them, but it's a great improvement from before, I got over 20 buisness cards from photographers in 2 days and i'm setting up around 10-15 photoshoots for my winter break with the photographers i met.
The thing i'm praying for right now is that i continue to drop weight and stay under 100lbs though break. I swear i gain weight like crazy when i go home, all that food everywhere @.@ in my dorm there pretty much isn't anything to eat, i have to leave and go to a cafe or dining hall to get food (great help btw, no point going out to eat if it's to late or balls cold ect.) most of the photoshoots i'm setting up for december-january are going to in bikini/bra tops with micro short skirts or shorts. so yeah....... lots of skin to be showing while outside in the middle of winter but if i'm skinny enough i won't mind it, because i know when i see those pictures it'll all be worth it. I can't wait to have pictures me when i am skinny all over the damn internet! And it's going to feel even better because recently i checked up on my old bitch roommate, the one who gave me so much hell last year, her whole fb wall is filled with pictures of all the chocolate and desserts she eating puntuated by her complaing that she's getting fat XDDDDD MUWAHAHAHAHA i'm and awful person. I can't wait to be a waif. just 4 more lbs to go till i' back to my lowest weight!!!!!!!!!! i've already lost 5.7 lbs!! more than half way there!!!!
I CAN DO THIS!!
I'LL NEVER GIVE UP!!!
STARVE, DIET, WORKOUT, AND LOSE WEIGHT FOR: COSPLAY, PHOTOSHOOTS, PERFECTION, SMITE, HATRED, THE DAD THAT NEVER LOVED YOU, AND THAT BITCH/DOUCHE WHO GAVE YOU HELL.
I don't live in an apartment anymore (thankfuckinggod). I'm living in a triple dorm rather than having my own room and it's helped alot. can't say i really give any shits about my roommates but i am still thankful that i have roommates so i can't just binge and purge in my room all day like i used to. I'm also very thankful to be back on meal swipes at the dorms. In all honesty i'm alot happier here even though my grades aren't as good, i'm always tired, i have no privacy, ect ect. I love living in a dorm because it means that disorder can't have total control over me when ever it fucking wants. I can't really binge when my roommates are around and i can't really eat unhealthy things infront of them either (i'm to embarassed to). I have a meal plan that gets rid of the necessity of going to a super market a few times a week (i go maybe once a week just cuz sometimes i do get my chewing and spitting cravings and cravings for things not in the dining hall. But with that said, i'm weighing myself again. For me this is a huge step up for my emotional state. When i was anorexic i was unhappy but more so at my life and less so directly at myself, hence i could weigh myself without feeling to bad. The number is never low enough but at the same time, it just motivated me to go lower. However after i started living in an apt and gaining weight from all those late night binge and purge sessions in my room i hated my body so much that i couldn't weigh myself. seeing myself naked hurt to much so i basically didn't really keep to much track of my body for the whole year. i went from around 93 lb up to 102-105 ish.
Even though i always purged extensively after my binges, my binges were much much worse in the apt. I did binge and purge 2-4 times per week when i was anorexic but in the apt it went to 6-9 times per week. My binges in the apt were bigger becuase it wasn't just some cereal and cookies in the dinning hall. My binges in the apt were usually $15-25 worth of cereal, cake, cookies, cake mixes, yogurts, pies, icecream, cheese cake, crackers, brownies, oatmeal, granola, bars, Jars of peanut butter. every possible junkfood you can buy the whole box of in the supermarket for like $3 each......
here i still binge and purge but it's gone back down to the 2-4 times per week and my binges now are a few bowls of cereal maybe a peice of cake and some cookies or candy bars, but the quantities over all are an order of magnitude less.
That being said, i'm happy to say that when i moved into my dorm i was 102.5 lbs, and stayed that way till about mid october. October 15th i was stil 102.5 but i decided i really was going to give it my best to get back down to my ana weight. What motivated me was that i had photoshoots to do in early november.... in a bikini..... in a crowded public location and the photos would end up on the internet........ soooooo yeah pretty big motivation for me. happy to say that right now, i weigh 96.8 lbs. Thats a little over 5 lbs in 5 weeks... I am soooo happy right now. i haven't been 97 lbs for about a year and a half now.... I can't wait to be back down where i belong, where i can look at my body and say, 'yes this is my body' and not be to ashamed to look at it.When i was 93 lbs my measurements were 32.5-23.5-33, at 103: 33-25.5-34.5(sooo damn fat!!!) right now i'm 32-24.5-33.5 about half way, a few more lbs and inches to go!!! gogogogo!!!!
i was about 97.5 lbs during my photoshoots and i think people liked that, i mean essentially as soon as one shoot was done, another photographer come and pick me up right away so essentially i did 13 photoshoots in 2 days.... I've seen some of the pictures and i'm happy i lost weight for those photos. I'm not entirely happy with them, but it's a great improvement from before, I got over 20 buisness cards from photographers in 2 days and i'm setting up around 10-15 photoshoots for my winter break with the photographers i met.
The thing i'm praying for right now is that i continue to drop weight and stay under 100lbs though break. I swear i gain weight like crazy when i go home, all that food everywhere @.@ in my dorm there pretty much isn't anything to eat, i have to leave and go to a cafe or dining hall to get food (great help btw, no point going out to eat if it's to late or balls cold ect.) most of the photoshoots i'm setting up for december-january are going to in bikini/bra tops with micro short skirts or shorts. so yeah....... lots of skin to be showing while outside in the middle of winter but if i'm skinny enough i won't mind it, because i know when i see those pictures it'll all be worth it. I can't wait to have pictures me when i am skinny all over the damn internet! And it's going to feel even better because recently i checked up on my old bitch roommate, the one who gave me so much hell last year, her whole fb wall is filled with pictures of all the chocolate and desserts she eating puntuated by her complaing that she's getting fat XDDDDD MUWAHAHAHAHA i'm and awful person. I can't wait to be a waif. just 4 more lbs to go till i' back to my lowest weight!!!!!!!!!! i've already lost 5.7 lbs!! more than half way there!!!!
I CAN DO THIS!!
I'LL NEVER GIVE UP!!!
STARVE, DIET, WORKOUT, AND LOSE WEIGHT FOR: COSPLAY, PHOTOSHOOTS, PERFECTION, SMITE, HATRED, THE DAD THAT NEVER LOVED YOU, AND THAT BITCH/DOUCHE WHO GAVE YOU HELL.
Monday, September 12, 2011
pretty friends...
I've always wanted them. pretty friends. those friends who are so effortlessly thin and beautiful it's hard to believe such people exist. And now i'm starting to get them. the thing is with pretty friends, is they know everyone and everyone knows them. Recently i've been making all these beautiful and increadibly thin friends. like they are anorexic skinny without seeming to give a shit about what they eat or drink and they are beautiful with great fashion sense. I mean these people even have a fanbase of both girls and guys after them and they don't even do the entertainment industry or youtube video thing. No these people have thousands of friends, buddies, ect on every profile they have.... and these are their fans(girls/boys) and stalkers, ect. I've never had pretty friends until now. no, i was aways the smallest of my friends and considered to be one of the prettier ones. but now i'm the short stubby not as pretty friend. I need to get thinner... thinner.... don't eat ever again. i should burn my tounge till it's black or something.... the only good thing about being home is i can't binge on things like cookies, cakes, pastries, icecream, junk like that.... though at the same time there is so much more food in the house and most of those foods are not foods i normally eat. They have oil and meat and sause and r cooked.... so i eat alot, but alot of non b/p type foods. idk i guess it evens out. but i'mm still toooo fat. i feel heavy and i look heavy. I'm starting my fast at 1am on monday, till 1 pm tuesday, may try to extend it if i can... tea coffee lettuce tomatos
Sunday, September 11, 2011
oh tooo fulll
I've eaten to much recently, i feel full and hence kinda drowzy... though i have been having a lot of fun this week. i've been out almost everyday. last saturday i got back home, sunday i went out shopping with michael and jamie, monday i went kareoke. tuesday i visited school with Nate, wednesday i was sewing while chatting with my old friend minrose and audrey, thursday i went back to school to show off some art work then went shopping at a fabric store. friday i went on a date with a super cool girl i know, saturday i cut off most of my friend's hair (all her life she's been able to sit on her hair, now it doesn't even reach her bra band) and went shopping for various adhesives. and now it's 1 am on sunday, a week later... later today i'm gonna cut avi and oni's hair and go out kareoke wiht my cousins. God this week feels like a month. This is the longest week i've ever had... doing something everyday is tireing. i haven't been exercising since at home i don't have access to a gym and i'm going places all day. I'm gonna try for under 500 for a few days. tmr i'm gonna try and sneak out of eating, and monday since my family is gonna be out i'm gonna try to fast. i need to get skinny again. The girl i went on a date with, she is suuuuupper skinny, like skinny like my sis. except she's 118 lbs at 5'4" which doesn't seem thin, but she can wear a designer size 23 jeans, and they are still baggy like guy pants at her thighs...... i'm so jealous. she can wear a padded bra and still pass as a guy as long as she's not wearing a skin tight shirt.... soo jealous. shes' super strong too, i've seen her pick up 250lbs boxes at work... and she even works in a candy store.... plus her metabolism is so fast that she doesn't get drunk... EVER she can outdrink everyone.... at every party... @.@ soooooooo jealous. I still love the girl, even though i'm itching with envy.... some people have it all i swear...
I wish i could just dislike food, i wanna burn my tounge, like really burn it till i kill my taste buds so that i won't like food anymore.... i want to be skinny, more so than anything else...
I wish i could just dislike food, i wanna burn my tounge, like really burn it till i kill my taste buds so that i won't like food anymore.... i want to be skinny, more so than anything else...
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
jealousy jealousy
I've got to admit, i am super jealous of my little sis Audrey, she's not actually my sister, she's more like my ex-friend's sister that me and my other girl friends condsider as our little sister cuz none of us have a little sister and we all think her brother is a douche. I'm sure of all the girls i know she's the thinnest. i'm guessing shes around 83 lbs at 5'3" it's a close guess. I was taking her measurments today because i was sewing a costume for her since she doens't know how to use the sewing machine. omg she's soooo skinny. she's not a child anymore though i still seem to think of her as one, she just turned 18 @.@ still can't beleive it. in my mind she'll always be 14. it's possible because she still looks like a kid and acts like one. It's hard to beleive that she's 18 now. She's not a girly girl. in fact she just wears her brothers hand me downs everyday which are mostly baggy cargo pants and over sized shirts and jackets. I don't know how it is that she's soooo thin. she never works out, and really don'ts care much about her body or appearance in general. i guess there are those people who are just naturally waifs. her thighs make a super models thighs look fat.. she's the only girl who still look anorexic even in candy cane striped stockings... I wish i could be as thin as she was. I don't think she is ana or mia. she's genuinly happy to have food, and i know shes not playing happy.. she's the type who so gulible and naive that she'd fall anything people tell her...
Today was kinda a bad day, i ate way to much before noon, then binged and purged some icecream. plus i didn't excercise, but i got to spead time with people i haven't seen for a long time.
I'm gonna fast tonight till friday at noon... i hate how big i am....
Today was kinda a bad day, i ate way to much before noon, then binged and purged some icecream. plus i didn't excercise, but i got to spead time with people i haven't seen for a long time.
I'm gonna fast tonight till friday at noon... i hate how big i am....
For the first time in a few days..
i'm going to sleep hungry.... =D i'm so happy, i feel light, i feel clean, i feel relatively empty, and my feet are in so much pain that i can rest with the satisfaction that i worked hard today. i'm gonna feel skinny when i wake up... i want it, i want it soo bad. Ana save me from the feeling of failure. Save me from feeling powerless. Save me from the gaze of men. Save me from caring how my father doesn't love me. Save me from being nothing.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
oh how i hate my dad...
so, my fast on monday failed.... damn. today i tried to fast... ended up with 1000 fricken calories. at least they were all mostly from fruits veggies and cheese. but on the plus side i burned off 750 calories today. i'm super proud of that. after eating too much since friday and not working out enough this feels amazing. i feel somewhat clean for the first time in days... soo good, sooo motivated
in other news i found out that my dad has been cheating on my mom. it makes me hate him even more than i already do. My dad is part of the reason why i have an eating disorder. like he makes me want to commit suicide everytime i talk to him. all he does is put me down and tell me i'm not good enough. I feel like he'll never love me, i'll never be good enough for him to treat me as a human being and not as dirt. My mom does her best to be there for me even though she doesn't understand me at all(something she admits too). but my dad is never there for me. he's never home, he never comforts me when i'm extremely depressed, if i'm not doing well he tells me that i'm not good enough and makes it my fault that i'm unhappy. Also he hates who i am because i am a non-conformist. I am strong headed and i don't give a damn about what people think or say about me. in all honesty even though i am smaller than just about everyone else my presences scares people very fast. i'm the kind of girl who won't take your bullshit, and will demolish who ever i hate. generally people tell me i look like a badass bitch even though i'm a tiny asian girl... but that's ok, i'd rather scare off weaker people. i can't stand to be around them too much because i feel like i'll run them right over. But yeah, my dad hates that i'm not willing to change myself for others, something i take great pride in. I have a good reason not to yeild to people. I've been sexually abused by a guy when i didn't own up to who i was and what i felt. I was weak and beause of that i was forced to do things that i feel ashamed about to this day, i felt so ashamed that i became anorexic after that year of abuse. So after that i decided i will never yeild to someone elses wishes. Plus there is no point in being friends with people you can't stand. The fact that my mom is a pretty passive person and taht my dad cheated on her gives me even more reason to own up to whatever i want to do. After that he'll never be able to make me eat again. I'm hate him so much right now that thinking about him makes me want thin even more. He thinks 100 lbs is to light, well fuck him, i'll drop down to 90 because i hate him so much.
in other news i found out that my dad has been cheating on my mom. it makes me hate him even more than i already do. My dad is part of the reason why i have an eating disorder. like he makes me want to commit suicide everytime i talk to him. all he does is put me down and tell me i'm not good enough. I feel like he'll never love me, i'll never be good enough for him to treat me as a human being and not as dirt. My mom does her best to be there for me even though she doesn't understand me at all(something she admits too). but my dad is never there for me. he's never home, he never comforts me when i'm extremely depressed, if i'm not doing well he tells me that i'm not good enough and makes it my fault that i'm unhappy. Also he hates who i am because i am a non-conformist. I am strong headed and i don't give a damn about what people think or say about me. in all honesty even though i am smaller than just about everyone else my presences scares people very fast. i'm the kind of girl who won't take your bullshit, and will demolish who ever i hate. generally people tell me i look like a badass bitch even though i'm a tiny asian girl... but that's ok, i'd rather scare off weaker people. i can't stand to be around them too much because i feel like i'll run them right over. But yeah, my dad hates that i'm not willing to change myself for others, something i take great pride in. I have a good reason not to yeild to people. I've been sexually abused by a guy when i didn't own up to who i was and what i felt. I was weak and beause of that i was forced to do things that i feel ashamed about to this day, i felt so ashamed that i became anorexic after that year of abuse. So after that i decided i will never yeild to someone elses wishes. Plus there is no point in being friends with people you can't stand. The fact that my mom is a pretty passive person and taht my dad cheated on her gives me even more reason to own up to whatever i want to do. After that he'll never be able to make me eat again. I'm hate him so much right now that thinking about him makes me want thin even more. He thinks 100 lbs is to light, well fuck him, i'll drop down to 90 because i hate him so much.
Monday, September 5, 2011
A few hours late but get ready for another 36 hour fast!!
I'm gonna say that my fast started at 12 am monday, and will be done on tuesday at noon. good luck, and stay strong everyone!! lettuce, tomatos, pickles, coffee, tea, water
Friday, September 2, 2011
if it weren't for my final i would have done a 24 hour fast
I didn't eat anything till noon today, and all i had was a salad with shrimp and a plum (200 cals) i would have left it at that till 5or 6 pm and made a 24 hr fast out of it (200 cals in 24 hrs is fasting to me), but i just ate an apple and a plum (200 cals). I haven't eaten since 5pm yesterday, before i went to the gym. It wasn't to hard to water fast for 19 hours even with a 2.5 hour workout wedged in there. oh how i wish i didn't need to eat in order for my brain to work.... oh well. But then again, 400 cals in 24 hours plus burning off 700 in the same time frame is better than i've done before =). Now to pass my final.... today will be a great day, today will be a great day, today will be a great day. I hope everyone else is doing well!! if anyone wants to be ana/mia buddies just message me.
8am, the day has just started...
and today is going to great!!! or at least i'm gonna try my hardedst make it great!!! i'm 102.5 today though i feel like it's higher that it actually is. i had alot of salt late last night after my workout, as well as like 4 cups of water in the hour before bed. I feel a little water bloated. water boated is like being food bloated without feeling sick and stuffed. but anyways, I'm going to make today great because if i don't i know it's gonna suck balls. Today i have molecular bio class which i hate, and the final for the class 2 hours after it -.- I generally like bio hence i'm a bio major but molecular bio and bio chem are to classes that just suck anyway you look at it. but yeah, and then after that i've gotta pack up my apartment cuz tmr morning i'm moving out and driving home (7 hour drive). So after today i probably wont be online again till sunday? unless i feel the urge to get online which i might. I've been very addicted to tumblr recently.... but yea, now marks the begining of many challenges to come: 1. bio test that is gonna murder me unless i murder it, 2.moving back home into a house full of food @.@ which is why i hate home (i hate it cuz of ana and mia, if it weren't for them i wouldn't mind). 3. moving back home is super difficult because my family has homemade dinner every single night and i'm not allowed to skip, plus the food at home is very different from what i eat in my apartment.
In my apartment i do my best to keep all the bad foods out, they are usually only present if i'm binging currently. On a day where i dont' binge or over eat the only things i have are some fruits, lettuce, cumbers, carrots, maybe milk and heavy cream, tomatos, and thats about it. I've found that these are the foods i'm ok with eating, that i won't binge on (sometimes i do binge fruit if i'm desparate usually cantalopes, bananas, strawberries, and mangos i have issues with). Plus eating these foods makes me feel idk clean. I think it's cuz theres' no salt or processed sugars or starches. As far as salt goes i feel like i eat a fuck ton of salt but i think it's because all the salt i eat is salt i pour onto my drinks. I'm sure anyone watching me make my drinks would think i'm totally crazy for putting all this salt in them and it's not like a pinch it's like a few sprinkles, taste and a few more sprinkles... from the salt carton even. But then again, i guess it only seems that i eat to much salt because i drink like on average around 12-14 cups of fluids a day, plus lots of raw fruit and veggies everyday, even on binge days, plus all the sweating from workouts, plus all my food is virtually salt free... even my binge foods, they aren't salty foods. So i guess i do need all the salt that i drink. i know when i don't drink my salt, i can feel that i need salt, my head feels all watery ( that feeling when you've workout long and hard and then chug a bottle and an half of plain water). but yea, it's either salty drinks after a workout or eat my way through a jar of pickles, which i do do sometimes, pickles (as an asian, i eat a huge variety of different pickles cuz asians pickle everything... and they are delicious) are my favorite post workout food, they are super filling, calorie free, and especially delicious if you sweat alot and thus are low on salt. plus to me if you put ketchup on dill pickles it gives me the satisfaction of hamburgers without eating a hamburger.
In my apartment i do my best to keep all the bad foods out, they are usually only present if i'm binging currently. On a day where i dont' binge or over eat the only things i have are some fruits, lettuce, cumbers, carrots, maybe milk and heavy cream, tomatos, and thats about it. I've found that these are the foods i'm ok with eating, that i won't binge on (sometimes i do binge fruit if i'm desparate usually cantalopes, bananas, strawberries, and mangos i have issues with). Plus eating these foods makes me feel idk clean. I think it's cuz theres' no salt or processed sugars or starches. As far as salt goes i feel like i eat a fuck ton of salt but i think it's because all the salt i eat is salt i pour onto my drinks. I'm sure anyone watching me make my drinks would think i'm totally crazy for putting all this salt in them and it's not like a pinch it's like a few sprinkles, taste and a few more sprinkles... from the salt carton even. But then again, i guess it only seems that i eat to much salt because i drink like on average around 12-14 cups of fluids a day, plus lots of raw fruit and veggies everyday, even on binge days, plus all the sweating from workouts, plus all my food is virtually salt free... even my binge foods, they aren't salty foods. So i guess i do need all the salt that i drink. i know when i don't drink my salt, i can feel that i need salt, my head feels all watery ( that feeling when you've workout long and hard and then chug a bottle and an half of plain water). but yea, it's either salty drinks after a workout or eat my way through a jar of pickles, which i do do sometimes, pickles (as an asian, i eat a huge variety of different pickles cuz asians pickle everything... and they are delicious) are my favorite post workout food, they are super filling, calorie free, and especially delicious if you sweat alot and thus are low on salt. plus to me if you put ketchup on dill pickles it gives me the satisfaction of hamburgers without eating a hamburger.
I turned this day around.... =D
So today started out kinda bad. i was binging and purging fat free cheese and cantalope. fml!!! of all things!!!! (btw don't binge fat free cheese, it's really difficult and your stomach fluids are salty as fuck) and then i binge on peaches -.- i hate it when i binge perfectly good foods like fat free cheese and fruit. i feel guilty because those are foods that taste good and are not fattening like nearly everything else. so i end up at 1350 cals by 6 pm... most of it being eaten by 11 am @.@.... terrible i know. but then i took some caffiene pill and went to the gym and omg, it was fucking amazing..... i felt soooo high like, if it weren't the fact that i was working out as hard as i could i would have just been smiliing until my face fell off. i walked for 30 minutes, ran for 32 minutes straight without walking at all, did the elliptical at level 8 for 30 minutes averaging 170 rpm, and did the bike machine for an hour.... and i felt great the whole time. conservatively i burned 650 calories, but being as sweaty and euphoric as i was i probably burned more ( i worked out much harder than i normally do) but i'm not gonna count it. i never do. if i really did burn off more than i would have at my normal rate let it surprise me when the pounds come off. but yeah, i'm super happy now, i wish i could do this on all my bad days but i know that my body can't take this intense of a workout everyday, i'm sure my joints will be very very tired tommorow but i'm just still sooo happy that i managed to make today ok. I'm gonna shoot for 550 calories tmr. I hope i make it, if not i hope i can burn off the difference.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
GUM
Soo, I was feeling kinda like munching today, i think it was because i kinda ate to much yesterday. I did binge and purge but it was a comparatively small binge. Not sure how many people know this but when you binge on carbs (especially the sugary sorts) you get a huge rush of endorphins and i think serotonin but im not sure about that one. anyways, in that time frame between starting and feeling to full that you throw up, usually it's a rather pleasant feeling physically, hence part of the reason why the binge started to begin with. That feeling is part of what keeps you coming back to a binge and part of the reason why binges usually repeat several times and only pause when you become to worn out to continue binging and purging. So today i was craving the binge the craving wasn't the usual strong desire to shovel cake down my throat like a monster, but it's the sneaky craving where you only want to eat the usual afternoon snacks that many people enjoy, but you don't really want to binge. I hate those cravings the most. They trick you into buying food thinking you'll be ok and then suddenly you are shoveling food down your throat because that's what you usually do with anything that isn't salad or fruit. That's exactly how my binge started yesterday too. So this time i went and decided i would just buy gum. I used to chew gum everyday for hours until my jaw hurt, and then i got really really sick of gum. this time i bought caffeinated gum and its awesome. Summer in southern california is to hot for coffee, but caffeinated gum is alright. It took my munchies off my mind right away and saved me from binging this time around!!! I know it probably won't work when i have a real binge craving, not much works at that point, but today i'm happy that i haven't binged or purged.
It's 3:30 pm i've had salad with fat free dressing, 1 slice of ham, 2 apples, and milk = a little under 450 calories. i'm a little hungry right now, but i'll wait a few more hours before eating again. considering a burger for dinner, i usually never crave hamburgers (only maybe once a year, that's about as often as i eat them) so i don't fear them. i only fear foods i don't know, foods i crave, and foods my loved ones make for me. I'm not afraid of hamburgers because i know they don't have to be like 400-1000 calories each. I usually get a standard hamburger, with mustard, pickles, ketchup, tomatoes, lettuce, and the thinnest patties available (the are half the thickness of a typical patty). I order it wrapped in lettuce rather than a bun and it comes down to 170 calories, which is less calories than most salads (without toppings), and is a little more than a big apple or pear. Hopefully that will be all i eat for the rest of the day and bring my calorie consumption to around 650 max.
It's 3:30 pm i've had salad with fat free dressing, 1 slice of ham, 2 apples, and milk = a little under 450 calories. i'm a little hungry right now, but i'll wait a few more hours before eating again. considering a burger for dinner, i usually never crave hamburgers (only maybe once a year, that's about as often as i eat them) so i don't fear them. i only fear foods i don't know, foods i crave, and foods my loved ones make for me. I'm not afraid of hamburgers because i know they don't have to be like 400-1000 calories each. I usually get a standard hamburger, with mustard, pickles, ketchup, tomatoes, lettuce, and the thinnest patties available (the are half the thickness of a typical patty). I order it wrapped in lettuce rather than a bun and it comes down to 170 calories, which is less calories than most salads (without toppings), and is a little more than a big apple or pear. Hopefully that will be all i eat for the rest of the day and bring my calorie consumption to around 650 max.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
I hate food
I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food
I hate food for controlling me
I hate food for ruining me
I hate food for making me fat
I hate food for making me crave
I hate food for being cheap
I hate food for being legal
I hate food for being essential
I hate food for being soothing
I hate food for being delicious
If i could loose one sense forever it would be taste, that way eating will physically be as unpleasant as it is mentally
I hate food for controlling me
I hate food for ruining me
I hate food for making me fat
I hate food for making me crave
I hate food for being cheap
I hate food for being legal
I hate food for being essential
I hate food for being soothing
I hate food for being delicious
If i could loose one sense forever it would be taste, that way eating will physically be as unpleasant as it is mentally
4 more hours to go!! go go go
omg this pain has kept me half awake all night but at least i didn't give in to it. after last nights post i had a cup of veggie soup and 1 slice of ham because i was starving along with another 6 cups of low calorie drinks (under 15 cals per cup) but i still wasn't able to really sleep. I swear with the amount of liquid i drink (10-16 cups/day) i'm almost never dehydrated. the only times i get dehydrated is after purging for like a hour. at most i've had 700 calories since i started my fast (32 hours ago) i won't have anything but hot tea until the fast is over. i've burned of 400 calories (1 hour biking, 80 minutes walking) in the last 32 hours exercising, leaving me a net of 300. I guess to some girls this isn't really fasting, but to me it is. I'm gonna try to hit the gym one more time before my fast is over (10 am i decided to push it back 2 hours). Then i'm going to eat sushi at noon but no rolls. i hate rolls they are full of fat and carbs. no i'm gonna have sashimi and nigiri, along with maybe some soybeans. hopefully keep the meal satisfying and under 300 calories.
but yeah, i feel a lot lighter after this fast, even if i don't lose any fat from it, all the fluids and raw veggies flush out my body so i feel empty (i swear i lost like 3lbs worth of crap yesterday from drinking so much in the morning but it's good, i feel clean and less bloated). I can see the muscle definition in my upper and lower stomach which for me is an indicator that my intestines are pretty empty. I know this sounds gross but i'm a bio major wanting to go into physiology so this kind of thing is like to me all factual rather than disgusting. but even if this doesn't help me loose fat, the debloating aspect of it is very comforting not to mention since weekends are when i'm most likely to binge, it's like giving my body a break from eating way to much. but yeah, hopefully we'll do this every week from here on out.
I'm 102 lbs right now, that's down 1.5 lbs
but yeah, i feel a lot lighter after this fast, even if i don't lose any fat from it, all the fluids and raw veggies flush out my body so i feel empty (i swear i lost like 3lbs worth of crap yesterday from drinking so much in the morning but it's good, i feel clean and less bloated). I can see the muscle definition in my upper and lower stomach which for me is an indicator that my intestines are pretty empty. I know this sounds gross but i'm a bio major wanting to go into physiology so this kind of thing is like to me all factual rather than disgusting. but even if this doesn't help me loose fat, the debloating aspect of it is very comforting not to mention since weekends are when i'm most likely to binge, it's like giving my body a break from eating way to much. but yeah, hopefully we'll do this every week from here on out.
I'm 102 lbs right now, that's down 1.5 lbs
Monday, August 29, 2011
Weekly fasting ritual
For all of those fasting with me thanks soo much!! I'm gonna make a proposal. I want to make fasting part of my life so i propose to do a 36hour fast every week. sunday 8pm till tuesday 8 am. i hope everyone's doing well on their fast so far. remember that you can have as many low or no calorie sugar free drinks as you want, and safe foods are (raw, or steamed) lettuce, tomatos, and celery ( you can also have cucumbers) stay away from salad dressings unless they are the fat free version.
I've been doing well on my fast. i did cheat a little, i had once slice of cheese (70) and i slice of low fat ham(35) but still including all of the drinks i've had today my total calorie intake is only 435 plus i went to the gym today and burned off 400 calories.
I've been doing well on my fast. i did cheat a little, i had once slice of cheese (70) and i slice of low fat ham(35) but still including all of the drinks i've had today my total calorie intake is only 435 plus i went to the gym today and burned off 400 calories.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
way too fat
I'm around 103 lbs these days.... which is to me horendously obese. i feel like i look like one of those sweaty fat guys with the beer gut. my bulimia is still out of control. i never win against it. it's like my addiction. even if i've been pretty happy for a few days, bulimia still somehow manages to sneak it's way in there. i feel heavy and flabby. I've decided that i'm going to try and lose weight yet again but this time i'm really serious. i want my anorexic body back! i miss my hipbones, my thigh gap, i miss my stick thin arms, and my breastlessness. I miss the days when i didn't shove food down my throat and feel ill every day. I miss the days when people made jokes that i looked anorexic just because i was skinnier than everyone else.... sooo... with that said. 90 lbs watch out cuz i'm gonna make you mine!!!
My goal is to lose 15 lbs in 3 months.
goal weights:
100lbs by 9/12
98 lbs by 9/26
96 lbs by 10/14
94 lbs by 10/28
92 lbs by 11/11
90 lbs by 11/23
88 lbs by 12/9
Diet plan:
-goal is to average 900-1000 calories per day while exercising off at least 1800 calories per week. I'm kinda a stickler about calories burned. for me i set my bench mark at 2 cals/min walking or weights, 4 cals/min biking, 6 cals/min elliptical, or strenuous aerobics/dancing
-no eating before 8 am or after 7 pm.
I swear not to eat: (these are foods that always lead into a binge)
-sugar
-yogurt
-bread
-rice
-cereal
-pudding
-crackers
-nuts
-pastries
-icecream
-pizza
-cookies
-cake
-waffles
-anything that contains oil as an ingredient
-beans
-tortillas
-peanut butter
-chocolate
-doughnuts
-noodles
-oatmeal
My determination
-I won't give up, even if it hurts my family or friends
-i won't give up even if i have a bad day, food will never fix anything
-I won't give up even if i crave, because the craving will not go away unless you just ignore it, satisfying a craving only leads to addiction
-i won't give up even if it means not being able to party, parties are about people, if you eat at a party you aren't there for the people
-i won't give up even if it means feeling tired, and crappy, skinny and tired is always better than fat and sick.
-i won't give up even if i feel stressed. things will never get better if you decide binge the stress away, you'll be even more stressed after and hour of stuffing your face.
-i won't give up even if i feel depressed. food can never make you happy, it only makes you pathetic, the only way to cure depression is to go out, exercise and hang out with beautiful fun people who would rather be amazing than think about food all day
-i won't give up even if someone pressures me. deny the desire to eat, tell yourself that you don't want food because you truly don't, waht you want is understanding, love, and to be in the company of inspiring people
-food will only make you hate yourself more, it's better to live deprived of food rather than live deprived of self acceptance
-weigh yourself every morning and every night even though the numbers hurt because you will never get thinner unless you face the pain
-do not fear the judgement of others on you lifestyle, it's only because they are jealous of your strength
-reward yourself not with food but with things and inspiration
-do not fear the camera because it opens your eyes to the truth about how big your thighs are, and how much smaller they need to become
-I will not hang out with friends who just want to eat all the time, i want friends who make beautiful things, and who have beautiful minds, not a bunch of cavemen who just think about eating, food should only take up a small portion of your life.
Tips and tricks
-drink 2 cups of water during the first 5 bites of your meal
-diet hot chocolate(or add ice for chocolate milk) will satisfy you chocolate cravings ( i haven't had chocolate for months thanks to my homemade diet chocolate drinks (15-25 cals per pint) plus it's actually good for you and super creamy.
-if you're craving the binge, have a salad or some form of raw veggies with water, then try to purge, but don't, you probably will be full but not desperate to purge because plain raw veggies is the best thing that you can eat, it won't make you fat, it's good for you skin, it's healthy, it's pure, it's nearly calorie free.
-when at a party with friends-- chew gum so that you won't be tempted by the snacks
drink diet soda the whole time, it's filling and calorie free
don't drink alcohol-- it's nicknamed liquid fat for a reason
say that you have to be up early the next day to avoid drinking
-when eating out, drink 2 cups of water before you food arrives
offer the fries/bread/starch to someone, tell them that you don't like them
ask the server to keep the veggies sauce free, just steam them
ask for a lunch or child portion, or ask them to bring only 1/2 the portion
never get dessert, convince yourself that you don't want to look like a pig in front of people
tell your friends you had a large previous meal
always leave 1/2 your food on the plate
limit yourself to 10 bites, and only 1 bite per 3 minutes, talk and drink water instead
when you finished eating what you feel comfortable with put your napkin on your plate and hide your fork under the napkin
-when you are bored sitting around alone and have food at your disposal, change locations to a place with no food, call someone, do homework, get rid of the food, exercise, do something!!
-weigh yourself at least 2 times a day, it keeps you focused on your goals
anyone who wants to be ana buddies/diet buddies or would like to join me on this endeavor to lose weight over the next 3 months?
My goal is to lose 15 lbs in 3 months.
goal weights:
100lbs by 9/12
98 lbs by 9/26
96 lbs by 10/14
94 lbs by 10/28
92 lbs by 11/11
90 lbs by 11/23
88 lbs by 12/9
Diet plan:
-goal is to average 900-1000 calories per day while exercising off at least 1800 calories per week. I'm kinda a stickler about calories burned. for me i set my bench mark at 2 cals/min walking or weights, 4 cals/min biking, 6 cals/min elliptical, or strenuous aerobics/dancing
-no eating before 8 am or after 7 pm.
I swear not to eat: (these are foods that always lead into a binge)
-sugar
-yogurt
-bread
-rice
-cereal
-pudding
-crackers
-nuts
-pastries
-icecream
-pizza
-cookies
-cake
-waffles
-anything that contains oil as an ingredient
-beans
-tortillas
-peanut butter
-chocolate
-doughnuts
-noodles
-oatmeal
My determination
-I won't give up, even if it hurts my family or friends
-i won't give up even if i have a bad day, food will never fix anything
-I won't give up even if i crave, because the craving will not go away unless you just ignore it, satisfying a craving only leads to addiction
-i won't give up even if it means not being able to party, parties are about people, if you eat at a party you aren't there for the people
-i won't give up even if it means feeling tired, and crappy, skinny and tired is always better than fat and sick.
-i won't give up even if i feel stressed. things will never get better if you decide binge the stress away, you'll be even more stressed after and hour of stuffing your face.
-i won't give up even if i feel depressed. food can never make you happy, it only makes you pathetic, the only way to cure depression is to go out, exercise and hang out with beautiful fun people who would rather be amazing than think about food all day
-i won't give up even if someone pressures me. deny the desire to eat, tell yourself that you don't want food because you truly don't, waht you want is understanding, love, and to be in the company of inspiring people
-food will only make you hate yourself more, it's better to live deprived of food rather than live deprived of self acceptance
-weigh yourself every morning and every night even though the numbers hurt because you will never get thinner unless you face the pain
-do not fear the judgement of others on you lifestyle, it's only because they are jealous of your strength
-reward yourself not with food but with things and inspiration
-do not fear the camera because it opens your eyes to the truth about how big your thighs are, and how much smaller they need to become
-I will not hang out with friends who just want to eat all the time, i want friends who make beautiful things, and who have beautiful minds, not a bunch of cavemen who just think about eating, food should only take up a small portion of your life.
Tips and tricks
-drink 2 cups of water during the first 5 bites of your meal
-diet hot chocolate(or add ice for chocolate milk) will satisfy you chocolate cravings ( i haven't had chocolate for months thanks to my homemade diet chocolate drinks (15-25 cals per pint) plus it's actually good for you and super creamy.
-if you're craving the binge, have a salad or some form of raw veggies with water, then try to purge, but don't, you probably will be full but not desperate to purge because plain raw veggies is the best thing that you can eat, it won't make you fat, it's good for you skin, it's healthy, it's pure, it's nearly calorie free.
-when at a party with friends-- chew gum so that you won't be tempted by the snacks
drink diet soda the whole time, it's filling and calorie free
don't drink alcohol-- it's nicknamed liquid fat for a reason
say that you have to be up early the next day to avoid drinking
-when eating out, drink 2 cups of water before you food arrives
offer the fries/bread/starch to someone, tell them that you don't like them
ask the server to keep the veggies sauce free, just steam them
ask for a lunch or child portion, or ask them to bring only 1/2 the portion
never get dessert, convince yourself that you don't want to look like a pig in front of people
tell your friends you had a large previous meal
always leave 1/2 your food on the plate
limit yourself to 10 bites, and only 1 bite per 3 minutes, talk and drink water instead
when you finished eating what you feel comfortable with put your napkin on your plate and hide your fork under the napkin
-when you are bored sitting around alone and have food at your disposal, change locations to a place with no food, call someone, do homework, get rid of the food, exercise, do something!!
-weigh yourself at least 2 times a day, it keeps you focused on your goals
anyone who wants to be ana buddies/diet buddies or would like to join me on this endeavor to lose weight over the next 3 months?
36 hour fast!!! people join me!!
So i'm gonna try to do a 36 hour fast starting at 8pm 8/28/11 till 8 am 8/30/11. For anyone who wants to join me, you can drink any low or no calorie, sugar free drinks you want. safe foods=plain lettuce, tomatos, and celery. good luck everyone!!
Friday, August 26, 2011
Repost from sunshinechild's blog
http://www.healthyweightforum.org/eng/calculators/calories-required/
super awesome calorie calculator that isn't afraid to tell you to eat under 1000 calories a day halleluah!!! sp?
yeah just wanted to put this up so that i remember this site
super awesome calorie calculator that isn't afraid to tell you to eat under 1000 calories a day halleluah!!! sp?
yeah just wanted to put this up so that i remember this site
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
It's been a while
Hey everyone i know it's been a while since i posted. I havn't been doing so great. I think i'm around 104 right now. T.T super obese. I've got to drop weight by early september. I have to!!!! I must!!! I have photoshoots to do in september in outfits that are not very forgiving!!! I wish i knew a way to stop the binges. fucking binges always screw me up. Anyway today i was doing well till about 2 pm, and then went on a 750 calorie binge of apples and corn and carrots and frozen yogurt ><!!!!! I need to go to the gym later and go swimming. Get rid of all this fat, erase all this failure
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Summer summer summer
So this summer I am staying at school to attend summer school because if you've been reading my blog long enough you know that during the winter my bulimia distracts me so much that i failed one of the classes for my major and now i have to make it up. I have binged and purged several times in the last few days but i haven't gone out and specifically bought a binge with is a good thing. Mostly been binging and purging protein shakes, fruit, and yogurt, all relatively healthy things compared to sugary cereal, cookies, cakes that kind of thing. I like my new apt and that really helps a lot. In my old apt i had major paranoia because i know that one of my apt mates hates my guts and that i think it fed into my bulimia, always being stressed by that fact.
So My Goals for Summer:
-Do at least 3 paintings
-Finish my B*RS cosplay
-Reach 90 lbs!!!
-Get As in my summer classes
So My Goals for Summer:
-Do at least 3 paintings
-Finish my B*RS cosplay
-Reach 90 lbs!!!
-Get As in my summer classes
Monday, June 20, 2011
A new determination
So I'm testing out another weight loss pill cocktail. It has pretty good reviews. So far the almost everyone says it's effective, and the down side is that the pills are huge, taste bad, and it's 7 of them. My goal is to get down to 93 lbs by july 1st. that's 10 days. for 10ish lbs, I know i most likely will fail but fuck, i need to a challenge that requires me to devote more of my energy to losing weight. I don't do well with the loose weight by making one or 2 small changes, no, it has to be a massive overhaul that is the result to 100% focus. That's how i dropped 20 lbs without fasting, pills, coffee, tea, vomiting, diet soda, zero calorie sweeteners, diet food, ect in 6 months the first time around. I need that same dedication NOW!
This is cuz i have another convention on the 1st and because for the last week i've been failing so bad i wish someone would beat me with a steel mallet.
This is cuz i have another convention on the 1st and because for the last week i've been failing so bad i wish someone would beat me with a steel mallet.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Depression
So I've been back home for the last week, hence i haven't been posting much. Home to me always means eating, and binging and purging way to fucking much. To day has been the first day in over a week where i haven't purged at least once. I'm sorry if it sounds mean but i kinda hate my grandma on my dads side. She doesn't speak any english and I see her maybe once a year at most. But i hate her only because she's been staying here for the last month and she has such a sweet tooth. And it is because of her i can't ask my mom to safe proof the house before i come home, meaning i will have to be in a house with cookies, and candy, and pastries. And as a result I've been vomiting 1-3 times a day since i've been home.
In other news i've been feeling emotionally idk abandoned??? This week was supposed to be full of idk, love i guess. I was going to see a lot of close old friends that i rarely get to see because of school. But idk, i feel like they aren't really 'my' friends anymore. They don't call me, they don't invite me to do things, but they invite my brother. I really really really hate that. I hate knowing that my friends are doing stuff and i'm right there and they invite my brother but they don't invite me. This aweful sense of abandonment comes over me and i just want hurt myself. This is one of the few feelings that make me want to cut rather than binge and purge. It's the mix of the feelings of anger and abandonmet. I'm sure it's because of my personal past. All but one of my friends that i met from the time i was a small child till i was about 14 or 15 has abandoned me all together or for some extended period of time. Most of the time it was for something that i considered a stupid reason so it made me angry at them and it also caused me to be very apathetic and suicidal when i was 13. I'm not suicidal anymore, but events will bring back these depressive feelings. I don't know if i'm just being selfish, maybe i am, but even so, i hate this feeling. I hate this dark place inside myself that i seek salvation in. I hate it because i don't know how to come out of it and because no one around me understands it. When i find myself in this place around other people they can't understand what's going on in my head and think that i just had a sudden mood swing. I don't blame them for not understanding. Most of these feeling follow a reasoning that one could only understand if they've had a similar life. Also i don't try to explain painful feelings to people, i don't ask for their help.
In other news i've been feeling emotionally idk abandoned??? This week was supposed to be full of idk, love i guess. I was going to see a lot of close old friends that i rarely get to see because of school. But idk, i feel like they aren't really 'my' friends anymore. They don't call me, they don't invite me to do things, but they invite my brother. I really really really hate that. I hate knowing that my friends are doing stuff and i'm right there and they invite my brother but they don't invite me. This aweful sense of abandonment comes over me and i just want hurt myself. This is one of the few feelings that make me want to cut rather than binge and purge. It's the mix of the feelings of anger and abandonmet. I'm sure it's because of my personal past. All but one of my friends that i met from the time i was a small child till i was about 14 or 15 has abandoned me all together or for some extended period of time. Most of the time it was for something that i considered a stupid reason so it made me angry at them and it also caused me to be very apathetic and suicidal when i was 13. I'm not suicidal anymore, but events will bring back these depressive feelings. I don't know if i'm just being selfish, maybe i am, but even so, i hate this feeling. I hate this dark place inside myself that i seek salvation in. I hate it because i don't know how to come out of it and because no one around me understands it. When i find myself in this place around other people they can't understand what's going on in my head and think that i just had a sudden mood swing. I don't blame them for not understanding. Most of these feeling follow a reasoning that one could only understand if they've had a similar life. Also i don't try to explain painful feelings to people, i don't ask for their help.
Friday, June 10, 2011
I FUCKIN WIN
Sooo.... I'm sure you're all glad to hear that I'm officially moved out of my apt. Which is wonderful cuz i don't have to live with my ball sucking apartment mate anymore.... During the fall and winter quarter living with her was hell cuz she's sooo fricken rude and just uncomfortable to live with. However, this last spring quarter has been ok, cuz i just stopped caring that she hate my guts for no reason that she's ever cued me in on. it was like one day she just stopped talking to me, even things like saying 'hi' out of plain custom. But this last quarter i feel like the victor. Every time i come back from classes or where ever, i can hear her cursing at me in her room. And every time i just laugh inside because she hasn't even seen me yet but the fact that i am in the vicinity bothers her that much. ahahahaha, stupid cunt deserves it. You know you've won when your opponent can't do anything but say "fuck you" or some other obscenity and you just don't care at all.
Soooo, I left her a nasty little surprise cuz she's gonna live there all year next year.. har har har,
1. I put raw chicken behind the fridge and oven, let it rot there
2. I bought this horrible smelling cheese called roquefort and smeared it on the bottom of the coffee table, on the outer window sills, in the water facets, i tossed crumbs of it way deep in the back of the oven, on the sponge, and in the mop.
3. I went out and found a bunch of snails and put them under the couch, and behind the fridge, i hope they have babies.
4. I poured a whole bottle of cooking oil in the sink
5. I rinsed her dishes and toothbrush in water from the toilet
Yeah, I'm a bitch and i know it. Hopefully they won't notice anything lol. I'll post more about this later when i have time, have a wonderful day lovelies, if you ever need help getting back at someone i'm a pro.
Soooo, I left her a nasty little surprise cuz she's gonna live there all year next year.. har har har,
1. I put raw chicken behind the fridge and oven, let it rot there
2. I bought this horrible smelling cheese called roquefort and smeared it on the bottom of the coffee table, on the outer window sills, in the water facets, i tossed crumbs of it way deep in the back of the oven, on the sponge, and in the mop.
3. I went out and found a bunch of snails and put them under the couch, and behind the fridge, i hope they have babies.
4. I poured a whole bottle of cooking oil in the sink
5. I rinsed her dishes and toothbrush in water from the toilet
Yeah, I'm a bitch and i know it. Hopefully they won't notice anything lol. I'll post more about this later when i have time, have a wonderful day lovelies, if you ever need help getting back at someone i'm a pro.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Finally back to 2 digits...
Sooo.... I've bee ok this week, i did abuse food to some degree but i havent been doing manicly. I did 2 mini binges and purge sessions on friday because i was just around too much cookies and cake that day. But other than that i haven't been so full i just wanted to die since before the convention. I think con shrunk my appetite. That or it's given me other things to think about so my mind does start to wander off to obsess about food. I've been getting better about the obsessive food thoughts. Funny thing is, I eat way less if i just eat out everyday. Isn't that strange? I eat way less if i can't calculate the exact calories of everything before i eat it. So strange how magazines tell you to eat in if you want to lose weight... I'm the exact opposite. When i eat out, i hardly eat even if i'm so hungry that i'm gonna pass out. But at home i eat till i wanna just puke my guts out even if i wasn't hungry.... So yeah. Don't listen to magazines, they're just trying to fuck with you. I mean i eat way less if i eat out cuz i think everything is covered in oil and fat even if it wasn't, so i only eat i tiny amount of it. Not to mention food that you buy in restaurants taste like sweaty under arms anyways. The other things i like about eating out is the huge glasses of ice water. I drink one before the food gets to the table and i'm full.
I've had 1050 calories today, 900 yesterday. I walked off 250 calories today, net 1700 over this past weekend, which if you've been following me for a while, is just about the most amazing news i've ever heard. compare this to the usual 3700 over the weekend back in winter...... god it's amazing. I can't beleive it, for once it's a weekend and i don't want to kill myself when i look in the mirror. For once i don't wish that i could just erase this weekend from history.
I woke up this morning and i was 99.2 lbs.... I thought i would never see the day when i would be back into the 2 digits. It's very encouraging to see this. The biggest motivation for weightloss is seeing those numbers go down. The smaller it gets the small you want it to get. I'm soo happy. My goal is to be 97 lb by friday. I'm getting peircings with my friends on friday, i'm getting anywhere between 3-5 peircings done. I'll decide as i go.
EXCITED!!!
I've had 1050 calories today, 900 yesterday. I walked off 250 calories today, net 1700 over this past weekend, which if you've been following me for a while, is just about the most amazing news i've ever heard. compare this to the usual 3700 over the weekend back in winter...... god it's amazing. I can't beleive it, for once it's a weekend and i don't want to kill myself when i look in the mirror. For once i don't wish that i could just erase this weekend from history.
I woke up this morning and i was 99.2 lbs.... I thought i would never see the day when i would be back into the 2 digits. It's very encouraging to see this. The biggest motivation for weightloss is seeing those numbers go down. The smaller it gets the small you want it to get. I'm soo happy. My goal is to be 97 lb by friday. I'm getting peircings with my friends on friday, i'm getting anywhere between 3-5 peircings done. I'll decide as i go.
EXCITED!!!
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Life is better outside of the blinders of an ed... i want that life
Sooo... I didn't loose much weight during the convention, maybe a pound at most but the convention did remind me that life without bulimia is well... so much better. During the con i was aways with people, even when i was at the room (which i shared with 4-6 other people at any given time) so i couldn't indulge in my bulimic ways and honestly, it felt awesome. I'm 100% sure that my bulimia is so bad this last year because i have my own room... Privacy is such a bitch sometimes, i'd rather get walked in on having sex than get walked in on while binging or purging. So for 4 days i didnt binge or purge or chew and spit and because of it i had so much more time, and energy to do shit. I didn't feel embarrassed about my body because i wasn't abusing it. I need to practice this more i think. Save all the money i spend on abuse food (50-70$) per week and spend it on better things like cosplaying and going to raves and having FUN. Thats the big thing i think, just to not even focus on food, do thing about it at all, just concentrate on what's really important... people and having fun, and being sucessful in life. I'm sure it's pretty universal with eating disorders that there is a big emphasis with ideas of failure, and being 'not good enough' which is why we feel terrible all the time. Not only do we feel ashamed, that shame is what's keeping us from becoming someone that we are satisfied with. So that's what i want to do now, just not focus on food. Don't look for the next lowest calorie thing, don't try the meals promoted in fitness magazines, don't try the lastest cereal, don't try to cook anything. Just don't pay attention to food. And instead pay attention to whats going on around me, who's throwing a party, what events are going on in the area, who's free to do shit with, what cosplay outfits should i make next... better things. During the con, i got to experience a bit of life without bulimia and now i see all that i'm missing out on. I see now that the key to being thin, is to find other things to occupy the space of food. Other things to pay attention to, other things to use the time.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Convention time.... Dun Dun Duuuunnnn!!!
So I'm not going to be back on blogger till monday sometime. I'm too afraid to weigh myself, though i've been pretty good this week. I'm sure i'll lose weight at the convention, everyone usually loses 5-9 lbs during the duration of the con because you don't eat or sleep for 4 days and you're walking around all day photoshooting, and walking around all night dancing, partying, going crazy basically. I think the ultimate dream come true would be i come back on monday weight 95 lbs. or less. Even though the con is only 15 minutes from my house i'm staying at a hotel with my friends, that way i can party all night and i won't be tempted to binge at home, nor will i feel guilty when my family eats home made meals together cuz i won't be there. Basically at cons the only thing anyone eats are granola bars, cup noodles, Starbucks, ben and jerrys, and Mc donalds. Sounds like a fat ass's paridise right? Yet people still lose shit tons of weight because you are literally on your feet, modeling for 12 hours a day, then you go and party all night, and sleep during those short hours betwen 6 am and 10 am. Plus you only eat once a day because at cons food is soooooo expensive so you only eat when you feel like you're gonna pass out. And repeat for 4 days. I'm sooo excited. I'll put up pictures when i get back. Pray that i fall subject to the con weight loss phenomenon. The other great thing is that there are no markets in the area so i can't buy food to binge and purge even if i wanted to.The only thing i'm worried about is that the people i'll be will like to go out to eat at night like late night. Which is when i'm weakest interms of being able to resist food. but well see, maybe i'll just wear my corset so tight that 3 sips of water and i feel so full i'm about to explode (i've done this before, and it does hurt, but it's so worth it sometimes). God i'm so excited. I'm going to go to peets later today cuz i need to be awake all night in preparation for this weekend. I might post again later today but right now i have to go to my professor's awards ceremony and a job interview. See you later !!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Sometimes I wish I could do what all the other rich asian girls in Korea do
It's so frustrating to be thin in America. Everywhere you turn people encourage you become fat in some way or another. 'Eat all this ___ and eat all that___ because it'll help you loose weight' LIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 'm sorry but almonds and whole grains will not help you loose weight anymore than inhaling brownies. They tell you to finish what's on your plate, they tell you to indulge on EVERYTHING!!!!!!!! They sell huge amounts of food for only 2 or 3 dollars. I wish this could be like korea sometimes. They tell you to be thinner and thinner, to diet, to look pretty all the time. And when you just cant stand the dieting any more they just tell you to get plastic surgery which is cheap as fuck and that way you hardly have to try and you'll look perfect. Look at all those kpop stars with their full body plastic surgery. They all will look perfect for life for a cost that is only a fraction of the cost here. They don't live in a world where everyone around them is trying to make them fat. Don't you hate it when people say 'oh you're so skinny you should eat something' it soo obvious that they aren't looking out for you health, they're just trying to sabotage you. God i hate america, land of the fat asses and bitches. That's why american's are huge. Every company out there is trying to make us fat in order to sell us solutions that they know won't work. Mean while exercise is something that isn't part of everyday life and everyone is trying to sabotage each other.
Friday, May 20, 2011
I dyed my hair... and it looks like i killed someone while doing it
I'm not going to put up pictures lol cuz that would be kinda risky, but i dyed my hair red, and when i was washing out the dye, the bathtub was this brilliant blood red. Seriously was a tub of blood red. lol but now my hair is a black cherry red and my friend's hair is a vivid purple under normal light and electric blue under florescent light. As you might have figured out it is a friday..... that means that i have another weekend to watch out for. So, i'm going to try to have a decent weekend. As of right now i don't have any dangerous foods in my room except for uncooked rice. Hopefully i won't get to desperate and spend an hour making rice to chew it up and spit it out. I don't have enough fruits to get me through till monday but i'm debating whether buying more is a good idea or not because i know that i will abuse fruit if i get desperate. Decisions..... i haven't abused food much since tuesday if my memory serves me. I have abused it some, but i haven't went and legitimatel binged and purged or bought a bunch of food and sat in my room to for hours afterwards chewing and spitting. Chewing and spitting i swear is a really hardcore addiction. Even if i am feeling ok, i still want it. Binging and purging is more like to drown out a feeling or thought but chewing and spitting most of the time i just want it and i dont' have a reason. I guess i'm just addicted to it. I need to think of some motivation to ditch it or at least lessen my craving for it. Recently i was looking at some of my old photos before when i was heavier and not addicted to chewing and spitting, my face looks so much thinner back then ironically. I guess it's the swollen glands and over used jaw muscles. T.T My motivation is i need to work on my V line, even when i was thin i lost the V line because of the chewing a spitting and purging.... gotta work on that shit.
Speaking of shit.... I'm taking a medical greek and latin class right now cuz i think it will be useful for me cuz i'm a science major, and yesterday i learned a new insult. You should all use it to cuz it's fucking hilarious: Coprolith, it's one of the nastier words we have to learn and it literally means 'shit stone', so now you can go around calling all those fucktards Coproliths.
God don't we love the greeks they has some sick words
--more on greek humor later
Speaking of shit.... I'm taking a medical greek and latin class right now cuz i think it will be useful for me cuz i'm a science major, and yesterday i learned a new insult. You should all use it to cuz it's fucking hilarious: Coprolith, it's one of the nastier words we have to learn and it literally means 'shit stone', so now you can go around calling all those fucktards Coproliths.
God don't we love the greeks they has some sick words
--more on greek humor later
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Day 1 of my Retro Diet
OMG i feel soooo good right now. I really want to stick with this diet, i feel like i did last year.
what i've eaten so far:
breakfast:
1 apple 150
1 orange 70
coffee 40
2 egg whites 40
7:30 am 300 calories
Lunch 380 calories at the buffet:
big undressed salad with olives, cumbers, tomatoes, and carrots 50
1 bowl of raw broccoli with salt 50
some cooked veggies 50
sobe 0 cal juice 0
cantaloupe 40
pineapple 110
cereal 60 (1/3 cup)
frozen yogurt (2 tablespoons) 20
total so far at 1pm 680 calories
sounds like alot but it's like a total of only 2-3 grams of fat, ~10 grams of processed sugar, and you feel full without feeling like you failed. Plus it's super healthy, you won't need to take your multivitamin garbage if you eat like this.
This was how i ate last year, generally around 700 calories by the time it was afternoon. Minimal processed sugars or carbs, raw fruit and veggies unlimited (because you know it really isn't the carrots and cellery sticks that are making you fat, even if you ate a fuckton of them). The best part is that i don't feel guilty about eating these foods therefore i don't get into the mind set that i already messed up and give in for the day. I mean even if i ate 1 bowl of cereal~160-220 calories or a peanut butter sandwich ~200-350 i would still feel like i messed up and just start bingeing an purging. Even though the cereal or the sandwich is about the same or even fewer calories than a meal of my retro diet, these foods are less healthy and also make me feel as if i was a failure leading me to mess up. I guess that's part of the whole labeling food as 'good' or 'bad'. Even if the calorie count was the same, or reversed, the state of mind it puts me affects the rest of my day and the following days. Feeling guilty or ashamed, feeling weak and pathetic sets me up to sabotage myself in an attempt to drown out these feelings.
The other good thing is that these foods are so bulky that after a huge (yet only 50 calorie salad), a bowl of raw broccoli, 2 cups of fruit, and 2 cups of liquids, 'bad foods' are just not as appealing (cuz i'm stuffed). And even if i do want those foods even after all that, as i did today, those foods are less scary because i'm so full that i couldn't eat more than a few bites worth. They say the first 3 bites of anything is the best tasting, and that's about all i could manage to eat.
Today I ate lunch at the buffet that I ate at almost everyday last year. I've come to like buffets for several reasons:
1. unlimited raw fruit and veggies(salad) bar that is separate from everything else
2. it's public so i can't binge and purge
3. Reverse thinspo EVERYWHERE!! [i want cake, wait look at all the fatties holding cake, nevermind]
4. People tend to be less suspicious of you being anorexic if you say that you go to the buffet all the time but are still skinny.
5. If you really want dessert you can go eat all your veggies first and take only a tiny amount of dessert cuz everything is self serve.
6. And you can call a spoon of yogurt and granola your 'dessert' rather than the whole tub of icecream, or whole box of cookies in your house.
7. hot food at a buffet tastes like shit anyways so after a bite you're done with it
Buffet tips:
-don't even look at the hot food, just head straight to the salad bar which is usually always separate from everything else.
-if you want dessert eat veggies and fruit till you're so full you you can hardly stand (sounds like a lot but it's usually only 200-300 calories) then go and get dessert. you'll be to full to eat more than a few bites worth
-look at all the fat people and see what they eat=crap
what i've eaten so far:
breakfast:
1 apple 150
1 orange 70
coffee 40
2 egg whites 40
7:30 am 300 calories
Lunch 380 calories at the buffet:
big undressed salad with olives, cumbers, tomatoes, and carrots 50
1 bowl of raw broccoli with salt 50
some cooked veggies 50
sobe 0 cal juice 0
cantaloupe 40
pineapple 110
cereal 60 (1/3 cup)
frozen yogurt (2 tablespoons) 20
total so far at 1pm 680 calories
sounds like alot but it's like a total of only 2-3 grams of fat, ~10 grams of processed sugar, and you feel full without feeling like you failed. Plus it's super healthy, you won't need to take your multivitamin garbage if you eat like this.
This was how i ate last year, generally around 700 calories by the time it was afternoon. Minimal processed sugars or carbs, raw fruit and veggies unlimited (because you know it really isn't the carrots and cellery sticks that are making you fat, even if you ate a fuckton of them). The best part is that i don't feel guilty about eating these foods therefore i don't get into the mind set that i already messed up and give in for the day. I mean even if i ate 1 bowl of cereal~160-220 calories or a peanut butter sandwich ~200-350 i would still feel like i messed up and just start bingeing an purging. Even though the cereal or the sandwich is about the same or even fewer calories than a meal of my retro diet, these foods are less healthy and also make me feel as if i was a failure leading me to mess up. I guess that's part of the whole labeling food as 'good' or 'bad'. Even if the calorie count was the same, or reversed, the state of mind it puts me affects the rest of my day and the following days. Feeling guilty or ashamed, feeling weak and pathetic sets me up to sabotage myself in an attempt to drown out these feelings.
The other good thing is that these foods are so bulky that after a huge (yet only 50 calorie salad), a bowl of raw broccoli, 2 cups of fruit, and 2 cups of liquids, 'bad foods' are just not as appealing (cuz i'm stuffed). And even if i do want those foods even after all that, as i did today, those foods are less scary because i'm so full that i couldn't eat more than a few bites worth. They say the first 3 bites of anything is the best tasting, and that's about all i could manage to eat.
Today I ate lunch at the buffet that I ate at almost everyday last year. I've come to like buffets for several reasons:
1. unlimited raw fruit and veggies(salad) bar that is separate from everything else
2. it's public so i can't binge and purge
3. Reverse thinspo EVERYWHERE!! [i want cake, wait look at all the fatties holding cake, nevermind]
4. People tend to be less suspicious of you being anorexic if you say that you go to the buffet all the time but are still skinny.
5. If you really want dessert you can go eat all your veggies first and take only a tiny amount of dessert cuz everything is self serve.
6. And you can call a spoon of yogurt and granola your 'dessert' rather than the whole tub of icecream, or whole box of cookies in your house.
7. hot food at a buffet tastes like shit anyways so after a bite you're done with it
Buffet tips:
-don't even look at the hot food, just head straight to the salad bar which is usually always separate from everything else.
-if you want dessert eat veggies and fruit till you're so full you you can hardly stand (sounds like a lot but it's usually only 200-300 calories) then go and get dessert. you'll be to full to eat more than a few bites worth
-look at all the fat people and see what they eat=crap
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Starting a new diet!! I'm so excited!!
Soo, seeing as i haven't lost any weight with all the days of 800 calorie weekdays and 3498673409238 calorie weekends... I spent like 3 hours today designing a new diet. It's based off of the way i used to live when was 93 lbs. I'm calling it the Retro-Diet because it' based off of my past. It's a 800-1000 calories per day diet, no fasting, no skipping meals, and it has a binge prevention plan.
When i was 93lbs bmi 17.5, i ate about 1200-1300 calories a day, and exercised about the same amount that i do now, but some how i'm 7 lbs heavier and I can't seem to shake it. So i figure, its not the calories in and calories out, it's the when, how, and what. I mean, last year i ate in the dining halls at school because freshman are forced to by a meal plan. Dining halls is basically huge buffet full of cookies, icecream, belgium waffles, cake, burgers, pizzas, bagels, peanut butter, brownies, cereal, pasta with a megafuckton of cheese, pot pies, paninis (aka grilled fat sandwhich), and mashed potatos. Sounds terrible right? Sounds like a fattening camp? Well it easily could be, but i managed to lose 3 lbs eating in that place in 2 months... its about the when, how, and what.
Personally i find it difficult to eat in public, much less a buffet, i'm sure most of us ED girls do. But i realize now that the reason why i lost weight eating in a buffet is because i don't want other people to see the way i eat so i would go during off hours when i wasn't crowded (earlier the better). this would also let me pay attention to myself, eating in public i know i can't binge because theres nowhere to purge. So i would eat more conciously. Also since i would go early, it would get more crowded as time goes giving me a time limit.
Is it weird that i eat better when i'm in public alone(healthier and less)? Know that you can't purge after and that people are watching you makes it to scary to binge. The other part was that i would drink like 4-6 cups of water while i was still feeling strong so by the time i finished eating my healthy staples (plain salad, egg whites, raw broccoli, carrot sticks and pickles) i felt to full to eat another bite. Another thing i did was if i did pick up that slice of cake, i would make it unedible before i could eat it or after the first bite (smash it into cruddy napkins, or between plates, or put gravy/meat on it or something gross like that) then i would just toss it away.
I'm so excited, i want my old body back.
When i was 93lbs bmi 17.5, i ate about 1200-1300 calories a day, and exercised about the same amount that i do now, but some how i'm 7 lbs heavier and I can't seem to shake it. So i figure, its not the calories in and calories out, it's the when, how, and what. I mean, last year i ate in the dining halls at school because freshman are forced to by a meal plan. Dining halls is basically huge buffet full of cookies, icecream, belgium waffles, cake, burgers, pizzas, bagels, peanut butter, brownies, cereal, pasta with a megafuckton of cheese, pot pies, paninis (aka grilled fat sandwhich), and mashed potatos. Sounds terrible right? Sounds like a fattening camp? Well it easily could be, but i managed to lose 3 lbs eating in that place in 2 months... its about the when, how, and what.
Personally i find it difficult to eat in public, much less a buffet, i'm sure most of us ED girls do. But i realize now that the reason why i lost weight eating in a buffet is because i don't want other people to see the way i eat so i would go during off hours when i wasn't crowded (earlier the better). this would also let me pay attention to myself, eating in public i know i can't binge because theres nowhere to purge. So i would eat more conciously. Also since i would go early, it would get more crowded as time goes giving me a time limit.
Is it weird that i eat better when i'm in public alone(healthier and less)? Know that you can't purge after and that people are watching you makes it to scary to binge. The other part was that i would drink like 4-6 cups of water while i was still feeling strong so by the time i finished eating my healthy staples (plain salad, egg whites, raw broccoli, carrot sticks and pickles) i felt to full to eat another bite. Another thing i did was if i did pick up that slice of cake, i would make it unedible before i could eat it or after the first bite (smash it into cruddy napkins, or between plates, or put gravy/meat on it or something gross like that) then i would just toss it away.
I'm so excited, i want my old body back.
Monday, May 16, 2011
F.U.C.K.M.Y.L.I.F.E
Whyyyyyy...... Must I try so hard and do so well just to walk into a grocery store and buy a bunch of foods that i know i'm never going to be ok with thinking that i will be just because i feel strong for the fleeting hour that i'm in the damn store?? Just to go back to my apartment and start stuffing my face before i do anything else??? I seriously wish someone would just taze me everytime i touch something i'm not ok with eating. Why must life be soo fucking hard.
These are the foods i'm not ok with (meaning that i'm either going binge and purge or chew and spit them as soon as i get the chance)
Cold cereal (even the kinds that taste like cardboard)
hot cereal
granola
yogurt of any sort (even plain or greek)
sugar
milk
bread
biscuts
bagles
tortillas
cakes
cookies
crackers
chocolate or candy
icecream
pudding
cake mix
frosting
hummus
chips
pita bread
peanut butter
jam
bananas (if i have more than one or two)
rice
canned meat
canned veggies
cookie dough
muffins
doughnuts
pies
granola bars
cheese
nuts and seeds
dried fruit
olives
potato produts
tofu
anything with coconut in it
coffee creamers
graham crackers
whip cream
pizza, burgers, and other savory fatty american foods i don't crave and i don't eat so thats good
So what can i eat???
fruits(though sometimes i will binge on those too)
leafy veggies
beets
greenonions
cumbers
squash(raw)
mushrooms
carrots
broccoli
fat free salad dressing
pickles
egg whites
almond milk
sugar free jello (but i'm not a big fan of jello)
fat free hot dogs
and noodles
frozen yogurt, but only if i get it at a froyo place because i don't like eating in public so i'll buy like 2oz worth )about 3 bites worth
So what can i do???
how can i avoid the temptation to buy junk to binge on??
I should keep like emergency supply of cucumbers laying around, and stuff my face with them when i want to binge. First and for most i need to stop going to Albertsons. God i hate super markets. The have more junkfood than the number of orphans in india. The main thing i get at albertsons that is not something i binge and purge is almond milk, fat free hotdogs, and 0 calorie sweeteners.
So maybe what i should do is
1. settle for paying more for almond milk that i don't like as much, because everytime i walk into albertsons i swear i end up spending like $15-40 on food that i'm not actually going to eat in a non abusive way.
2. Only go to Albertsons when I run out of my wonderful fat free hotdogs or 0cal sweeteners (and stock up!!)
3. If I do go, avoid all areas of the super makert except for the produce area, and get the fuck out of there as fast as i possibly can.
My Goal is to only go to Albertsons only once a month, rather than 1-2 times a week.
The other grocery store I go to is Trader joes. I'm usually ok there if i am actually low on food that i eat. But, since it's also the cheapest and most convienent market around, it's easy for me to go there and buy a bunch of shit to binge on. Sooo,what to do... I figure i get binge food out of there once a week. Usually some combo of cereals, granolas, bars, yogurt and cookies of some sort. That or some kind of bread and peanut butter, or hummus. And sometimes i buy like 10 bananas to chew and spit.
Most of my episodes i by a base type food and and a condiment type food (ex, cereal and yogurt, pb and bread, cookies and milk). The bases being yogurts, breads, and milks usually. What i should try is limiting my base to bananas, they are the cheapest after all, 19 cents each. yogurt and cereal are my two biggest enemies because they are the easiest to swallow without relizing it (swallowing a whole mouthful of balled up bread is much more easily recognized as it'll nearly suffocate you in the process). Granola bars, and cookies are also things i buy alot but usually i don't binge and purge these (the drier they are the less i swallow). What i could do is limit it to banana's, cookies, and granola bars. I will still abuse those foods but as long as i don't have them in conjunction with milk or yogurt i won't eat much of it, mostly just spit it out.
So that's what i'm going to try this week, ABSOLUTLY NO DAIRY--cuz it screws me over faster than anything else. The only trigger foods that i'll buy are bananas, cookies, and granolas bars, limiting to 1 package or 6 bananas.
ANA HELP ME.
CW:100ish
GW1:97 by friday
GW2:94 by the 27th
UGW:88 by Jun 10th
Anyone have any advice for me?? I mean i know i can get down to this weight, if i could somehow put an end to my emotional eating(binging purging mindless grazing [usually out of anxiety]).
And does anyone wanna diet with me? i need an ana/mia buddy.
These are the foods i'm not ok with (meaning that i'm either going binge and purge or chew and spit them as soon as i get the chance)
Cold cereal (even the kinds that taste like cardboard)
hot cereal
granola
yogurt of any sort (even plain or greek)
sugar
milk
bread
biscuts
bagles
tortillas
cakes
cookies
crackers
chocolate or candy
icecream
pudding
cake mix
frosting
hummus
chips
pita bread
peanut butter
jam
bananas (if i have more than one or two)
rice
canned meat
canned veggies
cookie dough
muffins
doughnuts
pies
granola bars
cheese
nuts and seeds
dried fruit
olives
potato produts
tofu
anything with coconut in it
coffee creamers
graham crackers
whip cream
pizza, burgers, and other savory fatty american foods i don't crave and i don't eat so thats good
So what can i eat???
fruits(though sometimes i will binge on those too)
leafy veggies
beets
greenonions
cumbers
squash(raw)
mushrooms
carrots
broccoli
fat free salad dressing
pickles
egg whites
almond milk
sugar free jello (but i'm not a big fan of jello)
fat free hot dogs
and noodles
frozen yogurt, but only if i get it at a froyo place because i don't like eating in public so i'll buy like 2oz worth )about 3 bites worth
So what can i do???
how can i avoid the temptation to buy junk to binge on??
I should keep like emergency supply of cucumbers laying around, and stuff my face with them when i want to binge. First and for most i need to stop going to Albertsons. God i hate super markets. The have more junkfood than the number of orphans in india. The main thing i get at albertsons that is not something i binge and purge is almond milk, fat free hotdogs, and 0 calorie sweeteners.
So maybe what i should do is
1. settle for paying more for almond milk that i don't like as much, because everytime i walk into albertsons i swear i end up spending like $15-40 on food that i'm not actually going to eat in a non abusive way.
2. Only go to Albertsons when I run out of my wonderful fat free hotdogs or 0cal sweeteners (and stock up!!)
3. If I do go, avoid all areas of the super makert except for the produce area, and get the fuck out of there as fast as i possibly can.
My Goal is to only go to Albertsons only once a month, rather than 1-2 times a week.
The other grocery store I go to is Trader joes. I'm usually ok there if i am actually low on food that i eat. But, since it's also the cheapest and most convienent market around, it's easy for me to go there and buy a bunch of shit to binge on. Sooo,what to do... I figure i get binge food out of there once a week. Usually some combo of cereals, granolas, bars, yogurt and cookies of some sort. That or some kind of bread and peanut butter, or hummus. And sometimes i buy like 10 bananas to chew and spit.
Most of my episodes i by a base type food and and a condiment type food (ex, cereal and yogurt, pb and bread, cookies and milk). The bases being yogurts, breads, and milks usually. What i should try is limiting my base to bananas, they are the cheapest after all, 19 cents each. yogurt and cereal are my two biggest enemies because they are the easiest to swallow without relizing it (swallowing a whole mouthful of balled up bread is much more easily recognized as it'll nearly suffocate you in the process). Granola bars, and cookies are also things i buy alot but usually i don't binge and purge these (the drier they are the less i swallow). What i could do is limit it to banana's, cookies, and granola bars. I will still abuse those foods but as long as i don't have them in conjunction with milk or yogurt i won't eat much of it, mostly just spit it out.
So that's what i'm going to try this week, ABSOLUTLY NO DAIRY--cuz it screws me over faster than anything else. The only trigger foods that i'll buy are bananas, cookies, and granolas bars, limiting to 1 package or 6 bananas.
ANA HELP ME.
CW:100ish
GW1:97 by friday
GW2:94 by the 27th
UGW:88 by Jun 10th
Anyone have any advice for me?? I mean i know i can get down to this weight, if i could somehow put an end to my emotional eating(binging purging mindless grazing [usually out of anxiety]).
And does anyone wanna diet with me? i need an ana/mia buddy.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Weekend summary
So in the last 2 days I've eaten 2800 calories, 1700 and 1100 and burned off 930 calories 450 and 480. This is by far the best weekend i've had this year. Today was on par with usual weekday (having a net of 600-700 calories. I think I'm going to have to continue this paractice. =)
Weekend so far
Well this weekend hasn't been to bad so far.
Yesterday i still ate quite alot =1700 calories but like 1300 of it was totally healthy= fruits, veggies, milk, fat free hot dogs, stuff i don't really regret eating. The other 400 calories is food i stole from my apartmentmates. -.- mostly cereal or peanut butter. BUT the good thing was I didn't purge. I didn't wiegh myself because on friday i was binging and purging all day again. But so far, that minimal food in my apartment has been helping. I did get desparate twice in which i chewed and spat plain rice but it's still way better than my usually vomitfest weekends. I also made it to the gym yesterday and the mall. This alone is a huge improvement over my usual weekends in which i want to go to these places but i'm just to depressed to even get out of my apartment. Today I just finished lunch and i'm at 650 calories, all fruit, veggies, low calories carbs, milk, and fat free hot dogs. So all super healthy and low calorie + low fat. I'm going to the gym right after I finish this post. I'm sooo happy with how this weekend is going. I just hope i can repeat this for the rest of my weekends. No sugars, no starches, no fats, no nuts, no yogurts or cheeses, no candy, no chocolate, no crackers, chips, bread, tortillas, pastries, cake/brownie mixes, no cereal/granola products(my absolute worst enemy). And like a gallon of delicious teas. My goals is to eat less than 800 calories today (unheard of for me on a weekend) and to burn off half of that in exercise. Making my total weekend consumption= 2500 (opposed to my usually 3000-3800) minus 800 burned in exercise= 1700/2= 850 net/day. My usual weekend i would net 1500-1800/day after exercise.
sooooooo excited. I can do this!!!!!!!!
Yesterday i still ate quite alot =1700 calories but like 1300 of it was totally healthy= fruits, veggies, milk, fat free hot dogs, stuff i don't really regret eating. The other 400 calories is food i stole from my apartmentmates. -.- mostly cereal or peanut butter. BUT the good thing was I didn't purge. I didn't wiegh myself because on friday i was binging and purging all day again. But so far, that minimal food in my apartment has been helping. I did get desparate twice in which i chewed and spat plain rice but it's still way better than my usually vomitfest weekends. I also made it to the gym yesterday and the mall. This alone is a huge improvement over my usual weekends in which i want to go to these places but i'm just to depressed to even get out of my apartment. Today I just finished lunch and i'm at 650 calories, all fruit, veggies, low calories carbs, milk, and fat free hot dogs. So all super healthy and low calorie + low fat. I'm going to the gym right after I finish this post. I'm sooo happy with how this weekend is going. I just hope i can repeat this for the rest of my weekends. No sugars, no starches, no fats, no nuts, no yogurts or cheeses, no candy, no chocolate, no crackers, chips, bread, tortillas, pastries, cake/brownie mixes, no cereal/granola products(my absolute worst enemy). And like a gallon of delicious teas. My goals is to eat less than 800 calories today (unheard of for me on a weekend) and to burn off half of that in exercise. Making my total weekend consumption= 2500 (opposed to my usually 3000-3800) minus 800 burned in exercise= 1700/2= 850 net/day. My usual weekend i would net 1500-1800/day after exercise.
sooooooo excited. I can do this!!!!!!!!
Friday, May 13, 2011
It's friday again....
I've had a relatively ok week, but today is another friday, another start of another weekend. I'm praying that it will be ok. I've gotten rid of most of my problem foods. Hopefully I won't become to desperate and start binging and purging things like plain rice, fruit, or hotdogs (i usually don't b/p on meat products cuz comes up terribly). I don't know how much I weight right now cuz I binged and purged all day yesterday but I'll try to weight myself tmr morning.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Doing fine on the weekdays
So other than my usual crudy weekends I've been having a great week so far. In the last 2.5 days I've only purged once and have eaten about 1850 calories -650 in exercise. Why can't my weekends be this awesome??? I think if weekends didn't exist I could call myself anorexic. I can go off of 700 calories a day and still workout and lose 2 lbs per week till i'm down to 88lbs. Goddamn you weekends for holding me back.
Anyways, I have a new deadline to meet. On May 27th-30th I'm going to be at a convention that is basically going to be me walking around half naked for 3 days straight. I NEED to slim down for this. I don't want pictures of myself that make me feel awful.
CW: ~100lbs (coughtoofatcough)
GW1: 5/13: 98lbs
GW2: 5/20: 96lbs
GW3: 5/27: 94lbs
ANA help me.
I figure I should be able to achieve this if I didn't spend my weekends stuffing my face and throwing up.
Anti binge strategy:
--throw away food (with the exception of vegetables, fruit, and other expensive low calories foods) on friday nights
--get out of my damn apartment (hell)
--stock up on COFFFFFFEEEEEEEE
Oh Ana Help Me
Anyways, I have a new deadline to meet. On May 27th-30th I'm going to be at a convention that is basically going to be me walking around half naked for 3 days straight. I NEED to slim down for this. I don't want pictures of myself that make me feel awful.
CW: ~100lbs (coughtoofatcough)
GW1: 5/13: 98lbs
GW2: 5/20: 96lbs
GW3: 5/27: 94lbs
ANA help me.
I figure I should be able to achieve this if I didn't spend my weekends stuffing my face and throwing up.
Anti binge strategy:
--throw away food (with the exception of vegetables, fruit, and other expensive low calories foods) on friday nights
--get out of my damn apartment (hell)
--stock up on COFFFFFFEEEEEEEE
Oh Ana Help Me
Monday, May 9, 2011
Coffee I love you, weekends: I wish you were banished from this universe
I hate weekends. I hate saturdays, I hate sundays. I hate late friday nights. Fuck you weekend I'd rather you didn't exist. Let me go into why weekends can suck hairy man balls. I figure if it wasn't for weekends I would lose about 2 lbs per week. I figure this because I gain 2 lbs over the weekends and lose it by friday. If it weren't for the weekends, I would probably be about 10lbs lighter. I don't binge and purge, or eat much in general during weekdays. I have maybe 1000 ish calories per day and hit the gym for a total of about 5 hours. Plus I spend about an hour and a half walking around each day. Conservatively I have a net of about 600-700 calories per day which allows me to undo the 2lbs i gain over the weekend in 5 days. But... when the weekend comes around OMG somebody help me. I binge on anything possible edible think I can get. I don't care if it's icecream, cereal, bread, yogurt, fruit, veggies, rice, milk, hell even raw eggs. And I basically will be binging and purging all day long for about a day and a half. Then I spend my sunday nights trying to recover from all binging and purging.
So in net, I fall behind in everything on weekends. I can't get any of my school work done, I gain weight, I become super exhasted. I want to die pretty much. Sometimes during the weekday I will be like, 'I want to go to the ___ this weekend' but then the weekend comes around and I just wanna give up and rot away which is what I do.
Anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this maddness?
I'm considering trying more drastic measures next weekend cuz I'm so sick of doing so well all week to be thrown back to square 1 because I don't have school for 2 days. I love school, only because it keeps me from throwing up all day long. Next weekend I think what I'll do is I will throw all my food away. Just get rid of all of it. Stock up on coffee and sleeping pills or something like that. I'm so tired of feeling like I'd rather be dead. I'm so tired of feeling so stressed out about my weight and falling behind in classes all because I spend 2 days a week vomiting.
So in net, I fall behind in everything on weekends. I can't get any of my school work done, I gain weight, I become super exhasted. I want to die pretty much. Sometimes during the weekday I will be like, 'I want to go to the ___ this weekend' but then the weekend comes around and I just wanna give up and rot away which is what I do.
Anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this maddness?
I'm considering trying more drastic measures next weekend cuz I'm so sick of doing so well all week to be thrown back to square 1 because I don't have school for 2 days. I love school, only because it keeps me from throwing up all day long. Next weekend I think what I'll do is I will throw all my food away. Just get rid of all of it. Stock up on coffee and sleeping pills or something like that. I'm so tired of feeling like I'd rather be dead. I'm so tired of feeling so stressed out about my weight and falling behind in classes all because I spend 2 days a week vomiting.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Weigh In
SOOOO, the moment of truth. I am 100 lbs today, I lost 3 lbs since tuesday and I'm feeling pretty spectacular about that. =)
My goal by next friday is 98 lbs
I can do this!!!!!
My goal by next friday is 98 lbs
I can do this!!!!!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Thinspiration~~~
I'm going to put up some thinspo this time. Tommorow is weight day and also the first of 7 weekly updates in the summer slim down competition that i signed up for. I'm so anxious. After having gained weight from last week I'm scared to step on the scale again. I'll post a stats update tmr after i weight myself.
Hopefully this makes up for the eyesores i posted last time.
stay strong starve on!!
stay strong starve on!!
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
1 week cleanse
Soo, since i've been doing sooo terribly with bulima, i've decided that for 1 week i'm just going to ignore the thought of 'meals'. the though of 'today i will eat 3 small vegan meals and be done' no, that always screws me up. NO, for 1 week a meal is 100 calories or less and less is more. If it's a time i usually eat, i'll say no. Food is evil. I don't need food. Food will ruin me. It will make me fail my classes, it will turn me into a lard ass, it will turn me into a no-chinned-fat-slut like my roommate. No, food is failure. failure as a human being.
The only things i will eat:
mushrooms
green onions
fruits
non starch veggies
egg whites
sugar free frozen yogurt--only if i get dizzy
-no added sugar
-no added fat
-no starch or carbs
+ unlimited coffee, tea, diet drinks, sugar free water enhancers
Exercise: minimum of 1 hour per day (any of the following)
+walking
+dancing
+cardio machines
+toning exercises
The only things i will eat:
mushrooms
green onions
fruits
non starch veggies
egg whites
sugar free frozen yogurt--only if i get dizzy
-no added sugar
-no added fat
-no starch or carbs
+ unlimited coffee, tea, diet drinks, sugar free water enhancers
Exercise: minimum of 1 hour per day (any of the following)
+walking
+dancing
+cardio machines
+toning exercises
Saturday, April 2, 2011
My Motivation: ugly bitch ho reh-tards
So my motivation for becoming bones: to separate myself as much as I physically can from these incompetent ugly ass fuck tards: (reverse thinspo)
I know i probably sound really shallow right now. Well the truth is, I honestly don't judge someone by their weight, it's only when i have a problem with their personality, or presence that i go apeshit on hating them. Once i find someone irritating, everything thing about them becomes a target of my irritation. the fact that they are in my opinion, ugly as fuck, only bothers me because i don't like who they are. (these are all girls by the way, and no i am not fucking kidding). I mean most of my friends are bigger than i am and it doesn't bother me at all, i don't think being fat or thin says anything about who you are as a person. I don't associate fat with lazy, stupid, ugly, unhealthy. No, fat and ugly only bother me when i already don't like who they are as a person. I mean after all, do you feel like being around someone that who in your opinion is (a/an)bitch,disgusting,immoral,socialretard,dumbass,oldman,incompetent,irritating,ho,ect]? I would think not.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Summer Slim Down Competition
So I am entering myself into this competion hosted by Sunshinechild. Hopefully this will help me kick my bulimia and lose some weight before it will become unacceptable to wear jackets everyday. It's a 51 day slim down competition and the people who lose the most % of their body weight gets prizes. I don't really mind prizes, afterall, the weightloss is the real prize. My goal weights are:
GW1: 98
GW2:94
GW3:92
GW4:90
UGW88--31-22-32
Right now i'm 102, uggghhh 14lbs to go, 14 lbs to go.
I'm sooo tired of being such a fatass. I wish I could get a hold of that one chemical that stops addictions. I know there is such a thing. If I could get a bit of that, then maybe i'll stop my bulimia altogether and lose all this fat. Stupid bulima has made me gain almost 10 lbs by now. DX
GW1: 98
GW2:94
GW3:92
GW4:90
UGW88--31-22-32
Right now i'm 102, uggghhh 14lbs to go, 14 lbs to go.
I'm sooo tired of being such a fatass. I wish I could get a hold of that one chemical that stops addictions. I know there is such a thing. If I could get a bit of that, then maybe i'll stop my bulimia altogether and lose all this fat. Stupid bulima has made me gain almost 10 lbs by now. DX
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Not doing to well =(
I haven't been doing to well recently. Ever since I learned that I failed one of my major courses I've felt just hopeless. I have to take summer school to make it up and I can't move on until I make it up so as of right now I will be 2 quarters behind in my major at the end of spring. By the end of summer, assuming I pass both classes, I will be all caught up. However, failing this class my jepordize my chances of transfering out of this fuck hole of a place called Orange asswipe County. The thought of being stuck here not only for the summer but for the next 2 years makes me want to die. I feel like I don't know what the hell I'm doing here in college. This is supposed to be some big opportunity in my life but I can't appreciate the value of it because I'm walking around thinking that I'm wasting away here because that's whats happening to me. Being here has brought bulimia upon me, it has killed my inspirations, driven my identity into hibernation, isolated me from anyone who even remotely understands or cares about me or who I understand and even remotely cares about. I don't do anything that I even remotely consider fun. I am essentially rotting here. I feel like I've been sent here to suffer and die. I have no dreams of any kind of career because school is so dreadfully uninspiring that I think if this is my future, I think I'd rather die now and not bother having to deal with this shit.
5.5 days without binging and purging or chewing and spitting
So yesterday I did binge and purge once. It was a small one that didn't actually contain junk food. It was about a 700-800 calorie binge consisting of rice, seaweed salad, green salad, and 2 slices of heavily buttered bread. However the trick with this 10 week break the binge diet is to come back with full force everytime you mess up. So I clocked in at 5.5 days without food abuse. Now I know for sure that I can go 5.5 days without abusing food. So knowing that I can keep pushing that out. If I can do the 5.5 days, how much harder can it be to push it out to 6 days or 7 days? Get the idea? It's like building up tolerance to go without the food abuse.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Plans for the new quarter
So I haven't been doing to well with keeping the bulimia away. I've been having small binge and purge episodes about once a day since wednesday. But right now I just got back to my apartment in the shit hole of the earth and I have no food, just sauses and diet soda so I feel safe right now. I ate wayyyyyy toooo much yesterday. I was at a party and then I stayed up late to pack. I also went out to lunch and had a big breakfast too. I figured I ate 2200 calories yesterday and that makes me want to cry especially since I haven't worked out since friday. But off all the times I ate way too much, this is one of the better times because at least I was with people who are close to me and we were having fun. To be honest, if I ate like that everytime I was with people I love being around, and never binged, I would be ok with that. I binge all the time but rarely do I get to be with people I care about. I hate that I worry about calories when I'm having fun. It's like a slap in the damn face.
Anyways, tmr is the start of the spring quarter for colleges on the quarter system. My goals for this quarter are the same as always:
1. Lose 10 lbs/ get down to 90 lbs and maintain it
2. Stop binging and purging
3. Get As in school
4. Try to find the inspiration to paint even though this shit hole of a place is killing my buzz
I want to try something new this quarter. For my entire college experiance I've been walking around like the dead. I don't care how I look. I go out wearing 2 ugly ill fitting sweaters and jeans that are like a million years old and 2 sizes too big. Basically I look like a complete dork in my opinion. Or a girl who just doesn't give a fuck to be alive. This is exactly equal and opposite to the way I look when I'm back where I really belong, in the lovely SF bay area where resides the best people surrounded by the best culture in the damn country [sorry if my Norcal pride offends anyone, people raised in this part of the country tend to be what's known as a bay area elitist, meaning they seriously feel that the bay is the best place to live in the whole planet--I am not kidding about this]. Anyways, back home I look exactly the opposite. I'm a complete badass. Motorcycle boots, super tight skinny jeans with zippers, tons of jewelry, amazing jackets, make up, my hair looks awesome, ect. You can tell my state of being by how I look, if I look like I am well taken care of I'm relatively happy, if I look like someone with no sense of fashion, then you know I'm walking around wishing to just disappear or go into hibernation until I get to a better place.
So this quarter my goal is to hold on to my sense of astetics, meaning, to not look like I'd rather be dead than be here. Maybe I can use that to distract myself from food. I can express hatred though appearance, and just tell everyone to go fuck themselves rather than wishing I could just disappear. Direct my anger at everyone else here because I hate them all rather than taking it out on food. I swear, as soon as I can get out of this shitty place for good I'm going to delete just about everyone I have on facebook that i have met at college cuz honestly, with the exception of a small handful, i can't stand to be around any of them for more than half an hour. After saying 'hi, hows class', or 'what courses are you taking this quarter' i'm ready to tell them to shut the fuck up and go suck a cock.
Anyways, tmr is the start of the spring quarter for colleges on the quarter system. My goals for this quarter are the same as always:
1. Lose 10 lbs/ get down to 90 lbs and maintain it
2. Stop binging and purging
3. Get As in school
4. Try to find the inspiration to paint even though this shit hole of a place is killing my buzz
I want to try something new this quarter. For my entire college experiance I've been walking around like the dead. I don't care how I look. I go out wearing 2 ugly ill fitting sweaters and jeans that are like a million years old and 2 sizes too big. Basically I look like a complete dork in my opinion. Or a girl who just doesn't give a fuck to be alive. This is exactly equal and opposite to the way I look when I'm back where I really belong, in the lovely SF bay area where resides the best people surrounded by the best culture in the damn country [sorry if my Norcal pride offends anyone, people raised in this part of the country tend to be what's known as a bay area elitist, meaning they seriously feel that the bay is the best place to live in the whole planet--I am not kidding about this]. Anyways, back home I look exactly the opposite. I'm a complete badass. Motorcycle boots, super tight skinny jeans with zippers, tons of jewelry, amazing jackets, make up, my hair looks awesome, ect. You can tell my state of being by how I look, if I look like I am well taken care of I'm relatively happy, if I look like someone with no sense of fashion, then you know I'm walking around wishing to just disappear or go into hibernation until I get to a better place.
So this quarter my goal is to hold on to my sense of astetics, meaning, to not look like I'd rather be dead than be here. Maybe I can use that to distract myself from food. I can express hatred though appearance, and just tell everyone to go fuck themselves rather than wishing I could just disappear. Direct my anger at everyone else here because I hate them all rather than taking it out on food. I swear, as soon as I can get out of this shitty place for good I'm going to delete just about everyone I have on facebook that i have met at college cuz honestly, with the exception of a small handful, i can't stand to be around any of them for more than half an hour. After saying 'hi, hows class', or 'what courses are you taking this quarter' i'm ready to tell them to shut the fuck up and go suck a cock.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Bulimia--kicking the habit: today I have a choice.
OK, this is my first ana mia blog. I am currently bulimic, I used to be both anorexic and bulimic. I'm currently working on a 10 week no binge diet. Basically, my standard diet that I've been on since I became anorexic minus the binging/purging and chewing/spitting. Essentially my goal is to stop abusing food like a drug.
Motivations for this diet:
- my bulimia is getting out of hand and is wrecking my body in terms of weight, my teeth, energy levels, sleep habits ect.
- bulimia costs to fucking much- because of the b/p and c/s cycles and all of their consequences i've gained up to 10 lbs since before my bulimia. I hope to regain my 93lb body, or perhaps lower my weight even more. I was able to maintain 93 lb even with minor/bulimic tendencies. So I'm hoping that if I can give up my bulimic behaviors that I can acheive ultimately 90lbs. I'm about 100 lbs right now, sometimes I'm heavier if I've eaten to much food, or to much salt, or if' I've been having a rough time. But 10 lbs in 10 weeks is my goal so by may 26 I hope to be 90 lbs.
So far I've gone 5 whole days without binging, purging, c/s, without any food abuse basically and I'm really proud of that, I don't think I've gone more than 3 days without food abuse since, idk 2009? except for once last June, but that was because I was with friends 24 hours a day.
If anyone wants to join me on my 10 week endevor comment or message me and we can work together on it.
Here's some summer thinspo for motivation.
Here's some summer thinspo for motivation.
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