Thursday, May 26, 2011
Convention time.... Dun Dun Duuuunnnn!!!
So I'm not going to be back on blogger till monday sometime. I'm too afraid to weigh myself, though i've been pretty good this week. I'm sure i'll lose weight at the convention, everyone usually loses 5-9 lbs during the duration of the con because you don't eat or sleep for 4 days and you're walking around all day photoshooting, and walking around all night dancing, partying, going crazy basically. I think the ultimate dream come true would be i come back on monday weight 95 lbs. or less. Even though the con is only 15 minutes from my house i'm staying at a hotel with my friends, that way i can party all night and i won't be tempted to binge at home, nor will i feel guilty when my family eats home made meals together cuz i won't be there. Basically at cons the only thing anyone eats are granola bars, cup noodles, Starbucks, ben and jerrys, and Mc donalds. Sounds like a fat ass's paridise right? Yet people still lose shit tons of weight because you are literally on your feet, modeling for 12 hours a day, then you go and party all night, and sleep during those short hours betwen 6 am and 10 am. Plus you only eat once a day because at cons food is soooooo expensive so you only eat when you feel like you're gonna pass out. And repeat for 4 days. I'm sooo excited. I'll put up pictures when i get back. Pray that i fall subject to the con weight loss phenomenon. The other great thing is that there are no markets in the area so i can't buy food to binge and purge even if i wanted to.The only thing i'm worried about is that the people i'll be will like to go out to eat at night like late night. Which is when i'm weakest interms of being able to resist food. but well see, maybe i'll just wear my corset so tight that 3 sips of water and i feel so full i'm about to explode (i've done this before, and it does hurt, but it's so worth it sometimes). God i'm so excited. I'm going to go to peets later today cuz i need to be awake all night in preparation for this weekend. I might post again later today but right now i have to go to my professor's awards ceremony and a job interview. See you later !!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Sometimes I wish I could do what all the other rich asian girls in Korea do
It's so frustrating to be thin in America. Everywhere you turn people encourage you become fat in some way or another. 'Eat all this ___ and eat all that___ because it'll help you loose weight' LIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 'm sorry but almonds and whole grains will not help you loose weight anymore than inhaling brownies. They tell you to finish what's on your plate, they tell you to indulge on EVERYTHING!!!!!!!! They sell huge amounts of food for only 2 or 3 dollars. I wish this could be like korea sometimes. They tell you to be thinner and thinner, to diet, to look pretty all the time. And when you just cant stand the dieting any more they just tell you to get plastic surgery which is cheap as fuck and that way you hardly have to try and you'll look perfect. Look at all those kpop stars with their full body plastic surgery. They all will look perfect for life for a cost that is only a fraction of the cost here. They don't live in a world where everyone around them is trying to make them fat. Don't you hate it when people say 'oh you're so skinny you should eat something' it soo obvious that they aren't looking out for you health, they're just trying to sabotage you. God i hate america, land of the fat asses and bitches. That's why american's are huge. Every company out there is trying to make us fat in order to sell us solutions that they know won't work. Mean while exercise is something that isn't part of everyday life and everyone is trying to sabotage each other.
Friday, May 20, 2011
I dyed my hair... and it looks like i killed someone while doing it
I'm not going to put up pictures lol cuz that would be kinda risky, but i dyed my hair red, and when i was washing out the dye, the bathtub was this brilliant blood red. Seriously was a tub of blood red. lol but now my hair is a black cherry red and my friend's hair is a vivid purple under normal light and electric blue under florescent light. As you might have figured out it is a friday..... that means that i have another weekend to watch out for. So, i'm going to try to have a decent weekend. As of right now i don't have any dangerous foods in my room except for uncooked rice. Hopefully i won't get to desperate and spend an hour making rice to chew it up and spit it out. I don't have enough fruits to get me through till monday but i'm debating whether buying more is a good idea or not because i know that i will abuse fruit if i get desperate. Decisions..... i haven't abused food much since tuesday if my memory serves me. I have abused it some, but i haven't went and legitimatel binged and purged or bought a bunch of food and sat in my room to for hours afterwards chewing and spitting. Chewing and spitting i swear is a really hardcore addiction. Even if i am feeling ok, i still want it. Binging and purging is more like to drown out a feeling or thought but chewing and spitting most of the time i just want it and i dont' have a reason. I guess i'm just addicted to it. I need to think of some motivation to ditch it or at least lessen my craving for it. Recently i was looking at some of my old photos before when i was heavier and not addicted to chewing and spitting, my face looks so much thinner back then ironically. I guess it's the swollen glands and over used jaw muscles. T.T My motivation is i need to work on my V line, even when i was thin i lost the V line because of the chewing a spitting and purging.... gotta work on that shit.
Speaking of shit.... I'm taking a medical greek and latin class right now cuz i think it will be useful for me cuz i'm a science major, and yesterday i learned a new insult. You should all use it to cuz it's fucking hilarious: Coprolith, it's one of the nastier words we have to learn and it literally means 'shit stone', so now you can go around calling all those fucktards Coproliths.
God don't we love the greeks they has some sick words
--more on greek humor later
Speaking of shit.... I'm taking a medical greek and latin class right now cuz i think it will be useful for me cuz i'm a science major, and yesterday i learned a new insult. You should all use it to cuz it's fucking hilarious: Coprolith, it's one of the nastier words we have to learn and it literally means 'shit stone', so now you can go around calling all those fucktards Coproliths.
God don't we love the greeks they has some sick words
--more on greek humor later
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Day 1 of my Retro Diet
OMG i feel soooo good right now. I really want to stick with this diet, i feel like i did last year.
what i've eaten so far:
breakfast:
1 apple 150
1 orange 70
coffee 40
2 egg whites 40
7:30 am 300 calories
Lunch 380 calories at the buffet:
big undressed salad with olives, cumbers, tomatoes, and carrots 50
1 bowl of raw broccoli with salt 50
some cooked veggies 50
sobe 0 cal juice 0
cantaloupe 40
pineapple 110
cereal 60 (1/3 cup)
frozen yogurt (2 tablespoons) 20
total so far at 1pm 680 calories
sounds like alot but it's like a total of only 2-3 grams of fat, ~10 grams of processed sugar, and you feel full without feeling like you failed. Plus it's super healthy, you won't need to take your multivitamin garbage if you eat like this.
This was how i ate last year, generally around 700 calories by the time it was afternoon. Minimal processed sugars or carbs, raw fruit and veggies unlimited (because you know it really isn't the carrots and cellery sticks that are making you fat, even if you ate a fuckton of them). The best part is that i don't feel guilty about eating these foods therefore i don't get into the mind set that i already messed up and give in for the day. I mean even if i ate 1 bowl of cereal~160-220 calories or a peanut butter sandwich ~200-350 i would still feel like i messed up and just start bingeing an purging. Even though the cereal or the sandwich is about the same or even fewer calories than a meal of my retro diet, these foods are less healthy and also make me feel as if i was a failure leading me to mess up. I guess that's part of the whole labeling food as 'good' or 'bad'. Even if the calorie count was the same, or reversed, the state of mind it puts me affects the rest of my day and the following days. Feeling guilty or ashamed, feeling weak and pathetic sets me up to sabotage myself in an attempt to drown out these feelings.
The other good thing is that these foods are so bulky that after a huge (yet only 50 calorie salad), a bowl of raw broccoli, 2 cups of fruit, and 2 cups of liquids, 'bad foods' are just not as appealing (cuz i'm stuffed). And even if i do want those foods even after all that, as i did today, those foods are less scary because i'm so full that i couldn't eat more than a few bites worth. They say the first 3 bites of anything is the best tasting, and that's about all i could manage to eat.
Today I ate lunch at the buffet that I ate at almost everyday last year. I've come to like buffets for several reasons:
1. unlimited raw fruit and veggies(salad) bar that is separate from everything else
2. it's public so i can't binge and purge
3. Reverse thinspo EVERYWHERE!! [i want cake, wait look at all the fatties holding cake, nevermind]
4. People tend to be less suspicious of you being anorexic if you say that you go to the buffet all the time but are still skinny.
5. If you really want dessert you can go eat all your veggies first and take only a tiny amount of dessert cuz everything is self serve.
6. And you can call a spoon of yogurt and granola your 'dessert' rather than the whole tub of icecream, or whole box of cookies in your house.
7. hot food at a buffet tastes like shit anyways so after a bite you're done with it
Buffet tips:
-don't even look at the hot food, just head straight to the salad bar which is usually always separate from everything else.
-if you want dessert eat veggies and fruit till you're so full you you can hardly stand (sounds like a lot but it's usually only 200-300 calories) then go and get dessert. you'll be to full to eat more than a few bites worth
-look at all the fat people and see what they eat=crap
what i've eaten so far:
breakfast:
1 apple 150
1 orange 70
coffee 40
2 egg whites 40
7:30 am 300 calories
Lunch 380 calories at the buffet:
big undressed salad with olives, cumbers, tomatoes, and carrots 50
1 bowl of raw broccoli with salt 50
some cooked veggies 50
sobe 0 cal juice 0
cantaloupe 40
pineapple 110
cereal 60 (1/3 cup)
frozen yogurt (2 tablespoons) 20
total so far at 1pm 680 calories
sounds like alot but it's like a total of only 2-3 grams of fat, ~10 grams of processed sugar, and you feel full without feeling like you failed. Plus it's super healthy, you won't need to take your multivitamin garbage if you eat like this.
This was how i ate last year, generally around 700 calories by the time it was afternoon. Minimal processed sugars or carbs, raw fruit and veggies unlimited (because you know it really isn't the carrots and cellery sticks that are making you fat, even if you ate a fuckton of them). The best part is that i don't feel guilty about eating these foods therefore i don't get into the mind set that i already messed up and give in for the day. I mean even if i ate 1 bowl of cereal~160-220 calories or a peanut butter sandwich ~200-350 i would still feel like i messed up and just start bingeing an purging. Even though the cereal or the sandwich is about the same or even fewer calories than a meal of my retro diet, these foods are less healthy and also make me feel as if i was a failure leading me to mess up. I guess that's part of the whole labeling food as 'good' or 'bad'. Even if the calorie count was the same, or reversed, the state of mind it puts me affects the rest of my day and the following days. Feeling guilty or ashamed, feeling weak and pathetic sets me up to sabotage myself in an attempt to drown out these feelings.
The other good thing is that these foods are so bulky that after a huge (yet only 50 calorie salad), a bowl of raw broccoli, 2 cups of fruit, and 2 cups of liquids, 'bad foods' are just not as appealing (cuz i'm stuffed). And even if i do want those foods even after all that, as i did today, those foods are less scary because i'm so full that i couldn't eat more than a few bites worth. They say the first 3 bites of anything is the best tasting, and that's about all i could manage to eat.
Today I ate lunch at the buffet that I ate at almost everyday last year. I've come to like buffets for several reasons:
1. unlimited raw fruit and veggies(salad) bar that is separate from everything else
2. it's public so i can't binge and purge
3. Reverse thinspo EVERYWHERE!! [i want cake, wait look at all the fatties holding cake, nevermind]
4. People tend to be less suspicious of you being anorexic if you say that you go to the buffet all the time but are still skinny.
5. If you really want dessert you can go eat all your veggies first and take only a tiny amount of dessert cuz everything is self serve.
6. And you can call a spoon of yogurt and granola your 'dessert' rather than the whole tub of icecream, or whole box of cookies in your house.
7. hot food at a buffet tastes like shit anyways so after a bite you're done with it
Buffet tips:
-don't even look at the hot food, just head straight to the salad bar which is usually always separate from everything else.
-if you want dessert eat veggies and fruit till you're so full you you can hardly stand (sounds like a lot but it's usually only 200-300 calories) then go and get dessert. you'll be to full to eat more than a few bites worth
-look at all the fat people and see what they eat=crap
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Starting a new diet!! I'm so excited!!
Soo, seeing as i haven't lost any weight with all the days of 800 calorie weekdays and 3498673409238 calorie weekends... I spent like 3 hours today designing a new diet. It's based off of the way i used to live when was 93 lbs. I'm calling it the Retro-Diet because it' based off of my past. It's a 800-1000 calories per day diet, no fasting, no skipping meals, and it has a binge prevention plan.
When i was 93lbs bmi 17.5, i ate about 1200-1300 calories a day, and exercised about the same amount that i do now, but some how i'm 7 lbs heavier and I can't seem to shake it. So i figure, its not the calories in and calories out, it's the when, how, and what. I mean, last year i ate in the dining halls at school because freshman are forced to by a meal plan. Dining halls is basically huge buffet full of cookies, icecream, belgium waffles, cake, burgers, pizzas, bagels, peanut butter, brownies, cereal, pasta with a megafuckton of cheese, pot pies, paninis (aka grilled fat sandwhich), and mashed potatos. Sounds terrible right? Sounds like a fattening camp? Well it easily could be, but i managed to lose 3 lbs eating in that place in 2 months... its about the when, how, and what.
Personally i find it difficult to eat in public, much less a buffet, i'm sure most of us ED girls do. But i realize now that the reason why i lost weight eating in a buffet is because i don't want other people to see the way i eat so i would go during off hours when i wasn't crowded (earlier the better). this would also let me pay attention to myself, eating in public i know i can't binge because theres nowhere to purge. So i would eat more conciously. Also since i would go early, it would get more crowded as time goes giving me a time limit.
Is it weird that i eat better when i'm in public alone(healthier and less)? Know that you can't purge after and that people are watching you makes it to scary to binge. The other part was that i would drink like 4-6 cups of water while i was still feeling strong so by the time i finished eating my healthy staples (plain salad, egg whites, raw broccoli, carrot sticks and pickles) i felt to full to eat another bite. Another thing i did was if i did pick up that slice of cake, i would make it unedible before i could eat it or after the first bite (smash it into cruddy napkins, or between plates, or put gravy/meat on it or something gross like that) then i would just toss it away.
I'm so excited, i want my old body back.
When i was 93lbs bmi 17.5, i ate about 1200-1300 calories a day, and exercised about the same amount that i do now, but some how i'm 7 lbs heavier and I can't seem to shake it. So i figure, its not the calories in and calories out, it's the when, how, and what. I mean, last year i ate in the dining halls at school because freshman are forced to by a meal plan. Dining halls is basically huge buffet full of cookies, icecream, belgium waffles, cake, burgers, pizzas, bagels, peanut butter, brownies, cereal, pasta with a megafuckton of cheese, pot pies, paninis (aka grilled fat sandwhich), and mashed potatos. Sounds terrible right? Sounds like a fattening camp? Well it easily could be, but i managed to lose 3 lbs eating in that place in 2 months... its about the when, how, and what.
Personally i find it difficult to eat in public, much less a buffet, i'm sure most of us ED girls do. But i realize now that the reason why i lost weight eating in a buffet is because i don't want other people to see the way i eat so i would go during off hours when i wasn't crowded (earlier the better). this would also let me pay attention to myself, eating in public i know i can't binge because theres nowhere to purge. So i would eat more conciously. Also since i would go early, it would get more crowded as time goes giving me a time limit.
Is it weird that i eat better when i'm in public alone(healthier and less)? Know that you can't purge after and that people are watching you makes it to scary to binge. The other part was that i would drink like 4-6 cups of water while i was still feeling strong so by the time i finished eating my healthy staples (plain salad, egg whites, raw broccoli, carrot sticks and pickles) i felt to full to eat another bite. Another thing i did was if i did pick up that slice of cake, i would make it unedible before i could eat it or after the first bite (smash it into cruddy napkins, or between plates, or put gravy/meat on it or something gross like that) then i would just toss it away.
I'm so excited, i want my old body back.
Monday, May 16, 2011
F.U.C.K.M.Y.L.I.F.E
Whyyyyyy...... Must I try so hard and do so well just to walk into a grocery store and buy a bunch of foods that i know i'm never going to be ok with thinking that i will be just because i feel strong for the fleeting hour that i'm in the damn store?? Just to go back to my apartment and start stuffing my face before i do anything else??? I seriously wish someone would just taze me everytime i touch something i'm not ok with eating. Why must life be soo fucking hard.
These are the foods i'm not ok with (meaning that i'm either going binge and purge or chew and spit them as soon as i get the chance)
Cold cereal (even the kinds that taste like cardboard)
hot cereal
granola
yogurt of any sort (even plain or greek)
sugar
milk
bread
biscuts
bagles
tortillas
cakes
cookies
crackers
chocolate or candy
icecream
pudding
cake mix
frosting
hummus
chips
pita bread
peanut butter
jam
bananas (if i have more than one or two)
rice
canned meat
canned veggies
cookie dough
muffins
doughnuts
pies
granola bars
cheese
nuts and seeds
dried fruit
olives
potato produts
tofu
anything with coconut in it
coffee creamers
graham crackers
whip cream
pizza, burgers, and other savory fatty american foods i don't crave and i don't eat so thats good
So what can i eat???
fruits(though sometimes i will binge on those too)
leafy veggies
beets
greenonions
cumbers
squash(raw)
mushrooms
carrots
broccoli
fat free salad dressing
pickles
egg whites
almond milk
sugar free jello (but i'm not a big fan of jello)
fat free hot dogs
and noodles
frozen yogurt, but only if i get it at a froyo place because i don't like eating in public so i'll buy like 2oz worth )about 3 bites worth
So what can i do???
how can i avoid the temptation to buy junk to binge on??
I should keep like emergency supply of cucumbers laying around, and stuff my face with them when i want to binge. First and for most i need to stop going to Albertsons. God i hate super markets. The have more junkfood than the number of orphans in india. The main thing i get at albertsons that is not something i binge and purge is almond milk, fat free hotdogs, and 0 calorie sweeteners.
So maybe what i should do is
1. settle for paying more for almond milk that i don't like as much, because everytime i walk into albertsons i swear i end up spending like $15-40 on food that i'm not actually going to eat in a non abusive way.
2. Only go to Albertsons when I run out of my wonderful fat free hotdogs or 0cal sweeteners (and stock up!!)
3. If I do go, avoid all areas of the super makert except for the produce area, and get the fuck out of there as fast as i possibly can.
My Goal is to only go to Albertsons only once a month, rather than 1-2 times a week.
The other grocery store I go to is Trader joes. I'm usually ok there if i am actually low on food that i eat. But, since it's also the cheapest and most convienent market around, it's easy for me to go there and buy a bunch of shit to binge on. Sooo,what to do... I figure i get binge food out of there once a week. Usually some combo of cereals, granolas, bars, yogurt and cookies of some sort. That or some kind of bread and peanut butter, or hummus. And sometimes i buy like 10 bananas to chew and spit.
Most of my episodes i by a base type food and and a condiment type food (ex, cereal and yogurt, pb and bread, cookies and milk). The bases being yogurts, breads, and milks usually. What i should try is limiting my base to bananas, they are the cheapest after all, 19 cents each. yogurt and cereal are my two biggest enemies because they are the easiest to swallow without relizing it (swallowing a whole mouthful of balled up bread is much more easily recognized as it'll nearly suffocate you in the process). Granola bars, and cookies are also things i buy alot but usually i don't binge and purge these (the drier they are the less i swallow). What i could do is limit it to banana's, cookies, and granola bars. I will still abuse those foods but as long as i don't have them in conjunction with milk or yogurt i won't eat much of it, mostly just spit it out.
So that's what i'm going to try this week, ABSOLUTLY NO DAIRY--cuz it screws me over faster than anything else. The only trigger foods that i'll buy are bananas, cookies, and granolas bars, limiting to 1 package or 6 bananas.
ANA HELP ME.
CW:100ish
GW1:97 by friday
GW2:94 by the 27th
UGW:88 by Jun 10th
Anyone have any advice for me?? I mean i know i can get down to this weight, if i could somehow put an end to my emotional eating(binging purging mindless grazing [usually out of anxiety]).
And does anyone wanna diet with me? i need an ana/mia buddy.
These are the foods i'm not ok with (meaning that i'm either going binge and purge or chew and spit them as soon as i get the chance)
Cold cereal (even the kinds that taste like cardboard)
hot cereal
granola
yogurt of any sort (even plain or greek)
sugar
milk
bread
biscuts
bagles
tortillas
cakes
cookies
crackers
chocolate or candy
icecream
pudding
cake mix
frosting
hummus
chips
pita bread
peanut butter
jam
bananas (if i have more than one or two)
rice
canned meat
canned veggies
cookie dough
muffins
doughnuts
pies
granola bars
cheese
nuts and seeds
dried fruit
olives
potato produts
tofu
anything with coconut in it
coffee creamers
graham crackers
whip cream
pizza, burgers, and other savory fatty american foods i don't crave and i don't eat so thats good
So what can i eat???
fruits(though sometimes i will binge on those too)
leafy veggies
beets
greenonions
cumbers
squash(raw)
mushrooms
carrots
broccoli
fat free salad dressing
pickles
egg whites
almond milk
sugar free jello (but i'm not a big fan of jello)
fat free hot dogs
and noodles
frozen yogurt, but only if i get it at a froyo place because i don't like eating in public so i'll buy like 2oz worth )about 3 bites worth
So what can i do???
how can i avoid the temptation to buy junk to binge on??
I should keep like emergency supply of cucumbers laying around, and stuff my face with them when i want to binge. First and for most i need to stop going to Albertsons. God i hate super markets. The have more junkfood than the number of orphans in india. The main thing i get at albertsons that is not something i binge and purge is almond milk, fat free hotdogs, and 0 calorie sweeteners.
So maybe what i should do is
1. settle for paying more for almond milk that i don't like as much, because everytime i walk into albertsons i swear i end up spending like $15-40 on food that i'm not actually going to eat in a non abusive way.
2. Only go to Albertsons when I run out of my wonderful fat free hotdogs or 0cal sweeteners (and stock up!!)
3. If I do go, avoid all areas of the super makert except for the produce area, and get the fuck out of there as fast as i possibly can.
My Goal is to only go to Albertsons only once a month, rather than 1-2 times a week.
The other grocery store I go to is Trader joes. I'm usually ok there if i am actually low on food that i eat. But, since it's also the cheapest and most convienent market around, it's easy for me to go there and buy a bunch of shit to binge on. Sooo,what to do... I figure i get binge food out of there once a week. Usually some combo of cereals, granolas, bars, yogurt and cookies of some sort. That or some kind of bread and peanut butter, or hummus. And sometimes i buy like 10 bananas to chew and spit.
Most of my episodes i by a base type food and and a condiment type food (ex, cereal and yogurt, pb and bread, cookies and milk). The bases being yogurts, breads, and milks usually. What i should try is limiting my base to bananas, they are the cheapest after all, 19 cents each. yogurt and cereal are my two biggest enemies because they are the easiest to swallow without relizing it (swallowing a whole mouthful of balled up bread is much more easily recognized as it'll nearly suffocate you in the process). Granola bars, and cookies are also things i buy alot but usually i don't binge and purge these (the drier they are the less i swallow). What i could do is limit it to banana's, cookies, and granola bars. I will still abuse those foods but as long as i don't have them in conjunction with milk or yogurt i won't eat much of it, mostly just spit it out.
So that's what i'm going to try this week, ABSOLUTLY NO DAIRY--cuz it screws me over faster than anything else. The only trigger foods that i'll buy are bananas, cookies, and granolas bars, limiting to 1 package or 6 bananas.
ANA HELP ME.
CW:100ish
GW1:97 by friday
GW2:94 by the 27th
UGW:88 by Jun 10th
Anyone have any advice for me?? I mean i know i can get down to this weight, if i could somehow put an end to my emotional eating(binging purging mindless grazing [usually out of anxiety]).
And does anyone wanna diet with me? i need an ana/mia buddy.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Weekend summary
So in the last 2 days I've eaten 2800 calories, 1700 and 1100 and burned off 930 calories 450 and 480. This is by far the best weekend i've had this year. Today was on par with usual weekday (having a net of 600-700 calories. I think I'm going to have to continue this paractice. =)
Weekend so far
Well this weekend hasn't been to bad so far.
Yesterday i still ate quite alot =1700 calories but like 1300 of it was totally healthy= fruits, veggies, milk, fat free hot dogs, stuff i don't really regret eating. The other 400 calories is food i stole from my apartmentmates. -.- mostly cereal or peanut butter. BUT the good thing was I didn't purge. I didn't wiegh myself because on friday i was binging and purging all day again. But so far, that minimal food in my apartment has been helping. I did get desparate twice in which i chewed and spat plain rice but it's still way better than my usually vomitfest weekends. I also made it to the gym yesterday and the mall. This alone is a huge improvement over my usual weekends in which i want to go to these places but i'm just to depressed to even get out of my apartment. Today I just finished lunch and i'm at 650 calories, all fruit, veggies, low calories carbs, milk, and fat free hot dogs. So all super healthy and low calorie + low fat. I'm going to the gym right after I finish this post. I'm sooo happy with how this weekend is going. I just hope i can repeat this for the rest of my weekends. No sugars, no starches, no fats, no nuts, no yogurts or cheeses, no candy, no chocolate, no crackers, chips, bread, tortillas, pastries, cake/brownie mixes, no cereal/granola products(my absolute worst enemy). And like a gallon of delicious teas. My goals is to eat less than 800 calories today (unheard of for me on a weekend) and to burn off half of that in exercise. Making my total weekend consumption= 2500 (opposed to my usually 3000-3800) minus 800 burned in exercise= 1700/2= 850 net/day. My usual weekend i would net 1500-1800/day after exercise.
sooooooo excited. I can do this!!!!!!!!
Yesterday i still ate quite alot =1700 calories but like 1300 of it was totally healthy= fruits, veggies, milk, fat free hot dogs, stuff i don't really regret eating. The other 400 calories is food i stole from my apartmentmates. -.- mostly cereal or peanut butter. BUT the good thing was I didn't purge. I didn't wiegh myself because on friday i was binging and purging all day again. But so far, that minimal food in my apartment has been helping. I did get desparate twice in which i chewed and spat plain rice but it's still way better than my usually vomitfest weekends. I also made it to the gym yesterday and the mall. This alone is a huge improvement over my usual weekends in which i want to go to these places but i'm just to depressed to even get out of my apartment. Today I just finished lunch and i'm at 650 calories, all fruit, veggies, low calories carbs, milk, and fat free hot dogs. So all super healthy and low calorie + low fat. I'm going to the gym right after I finish this post. I'm sooo happy with how this weekend is going. I just hope i can repeat this for the rest of my weekends. No sugars, no starches, no fats, no nuts, no yogurts or cheeses, no candy, no chocolate, no crackers, chips, bread, tortillas, pastries, cake/brownie mixes, no cereal/granola products(my absolute worst enemy). And like a gallon of delicious teas. My goals is to eat less than 800 calories today (unheard of for me on a weekend) and to burn off half of that in exercise. Making my total weekend consumption= 2500 (opposed to my usually 3000-3800) minus 800 burned in exercise= 1700/2= 850 net/day. My usual weekend i would net 1500-1800/day after exercise.
sooooooo excited. I can do this!!!!!!!!
Friday, May 13, 2011
It's friday again....
I've had a relatively ok week, but today is another friday, another start of another weekend. I'm praying that it will be ok. I've gotten rid of most of my problem foods. Hopefully I won't become to desperate and start binging and purging things like plain rice, fruit, or hotdogs (i usually don't b/p on meat products cuz comes up terribly). I don't know how much I weight right now cuz I binged and purged all day yesterday but I'll try to weight myself tmr morning.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Doing fine on the weekdays
So other than my usual crudy weekends I've been having a great week so far. In the last 2.5 days I've only purged once and have eaten about 1850 calories -650 in exercise. Why can't my weekends be this awesome??? I think if weekends didn't exist I could call myself anorexic. I can go off of 700 calories a day and still workout and lose 2 lbs per week till i'm down to 88lbs. Goddamn you weekends for holding me back.
Anyways, I have a new deadline to meet. On May 27th-30th I'm going to be at a convention that is basically going to be me walking around half naked for 3 days straight. I NEED to slim down for this. I don't want pictures of myself that make me feel awful.
CW: ~100lbs (coughtoofatcough)
GW1: 5/13: 98lbs
GW2: 5/20: 96lbs
GW3: 5/27: 94lbs
ANA help me.
I figure I should be able to achieve this if I didn't spend my weekends stuffing my face and throwing up.
Anti binge strategy:
--throw away food (with the exception of vegetables, fruit, and other expensive low calories foods) on friday nights
--get out of my damn apartment (hell)
--stock up on COFFFFFFEEEEEEEE
Oh Ana Help Me
Anyways, I have a new deadline to meet. On May 27th-30th I'm going to be at a convention that is basically going to be me walking around half naked for 3 days straight. I NEED to slim down for this. I don't want pictures of myself that make me feel awful.
CW: ~100lbs (coughtoofatcough)
GW1: 5/13: 98lbs
GW2: 5/20: 96lbs
GW3: 5/27: 94lbs
ANA help me.
I figure I should be able to achieve this if I didn't spend my weekends stuffing my face and throwing up.
Anti binge strategy:
--throw away food (with the exception of vegetables, fruit, and other expensive low calories foods) on friday nights
--get out of my damn apartment (hell)
--stock up on COFFFFFFEEEEEEEE
Oh Ana Help Me
Monday, May 9, 2011
Coffee I love you, weekends: I wish you were banished from this universe
I hate weekends. I hate saturdays, I hate sundays. I hate late friday nights. Fuck you weekend I'd rather you didn't exist. Let me go into why weekends can suck hairy man balls. I figure if it wasn't for weekends I would lose about 2 lbs per week. I figure this because I gain 2 lbs over the weekends and lose it by friday. If it weren't for the weekends, I would probably be about 10lbs lighter. I don't binge and purge, or eat much in general during weekdays. I have maybe 1000 ish calories per day and hit the gym for a total of about 5 hours. Plus I spend about an hour and a half walking around each day. Conservatively I have a net of about 600-700 calories per day which allows me to undo the 2lbs i gain over the weekend in 5 days. But... when the weekend comes around OMG somebody help me. I binge on anything possible edible think I can get. I don't care if it's icecream, cereal, bread, yogurt, fruit, veggies, rice, milk, hell even raw eggs. And I basically will be binging and purging all day long for about a day and a half. Then I spend my sunday nights trying to recover from all binging and purging.
So in net, I fall behind in everything on weekends. I can't get any of my school work done, I gain weight, I become super exhasted. I want to die pretty much. Sometimes during the weekday I will be like, 'I want to go to the ___ this weekend' but then the weekend comes around and I just wanna give up and rot away which is what I do.
Anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this maddness?
I'm considering trying more drastic measures next weekend cuz I'm so sick of doing so well all week to be thrown back to square 1 because I don't have school for 2 days. I love school, only because it keeps me from throwing up all day long. Next weekend I think what I'll do is I will throw all my food away. Just get rid of all of it. Stock up on coffee and sleeping pills or something like that. I'm so tired of feeling like I'd rather be dead. I'm so tired of feeling so stressed out about my weight and falling behind in classes all because I spend 2 days a week vomiting.
So in net, I fall behind in everything on weekends. I can't get any of my school work done, I gain weight, I become super exhasted. I want to die pretty much. Sometimes during the weekday I will be like, 'I want to go to the ___ this weekend' but then the weekend comes around and I just wanna give up and rot away which is what I do.
Anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this maddness?
I'm considering trying more drastic measures next weekend cuz I'm so sick of doing so well all week to be thrown back to square 1 because I don't have school for 2 days. I love school, only because it keeps me from throwing up all day long. Next weekend I think what I'll do is I will throw all my food away. Just get rid of all of it. Stock up on coffee and sleeping pills or something like that. I'm so tired of feeling like I'd rather be dead. I'm so tired of feeling so stressed out about my weight and falling behind in classes all because I spend 2 days a week vomiting.
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