I should start posting regularly again. It's my only outlet for my ED... I was down quite a bit this past weekend but for the last 2 days it's been stuffing my face every second i can... I was 94.7 lbs....I was soooo close to my LW..... Fuck. I need to do better. I need to stop being such a pathetic, weak, idiot. I've had 5000 calories since monday...... it so much, it's 5 days worth.... and this is after i've purged as much as i can. I couldn't purge today. The cut on my hand reopened and my thoat is shot from repeatedly shoving my whole hand back there. I need to stop, I need to feel clean again. I want to fast until sunday, even though i know i'm never really sucessful with fasts. But i'll try anyways. I'll try because i never give up no mater how terrible things get. I always fail, but if i don't give up, I always will have a shot at suceeding. I guess that's really my only strong point. That I always keep on going.
Tommorow, Thrusday, Friday, Saturday.... 4 days, no food, just empty. I don't care if i pass out, I don't care if i fail my midterm, I don't care if it hurts. I must always remember that the hatred i have for myself will always hurt more than food could ever help me feel better. I have to remember that food, only ads fuel to the hatred i have towards myself.
I have nothing here except a few 100 cal bags of sugar free kettle corn and 2 sugar free rockstars. I've hid my wallet. My goal is to not spend money for the next 4 days. Don't buy anything. Don't believe that food is necessary, comforting, or worth losing myself too. Delete all the news feed posts about food i see on facebook, turn down all the invites to dinner, ignore all those who say I look fine and don't need to diet. They're just ignorant. They don't know the need to feel comfortable with themselves. They think comfort lies in the eyes of another, but it actually lies within ourselves. I won't give in, I won't stop until I can love me.
I need to stop trying to make the stress go away with food, because it only makes it worse. I need to change my views of feeling stress from the need to become numb to understanding that i feel stressed because i care about myself in relation to whatever is freaking me out. If it's school i need to understand that it's because i care about doing well and that i want to do well even if i hate it because i'll hate it even more if i do poorly. If it's lonliness i need to understand it's because i care enough to want to not feel lonely. I need to embrace what i feel rather than try to cover it in sugar. Pain is only painful if you think it is.... A feeling is only real if you think it is.... A craving is only a craving because you want to believe it is when it's not.
Most of the time all of these things are just there because of lack of sleep or lack of hobby time... they aren't really what you think they are. Fight it!
Pills pills pill, water water water, sew sew sew, exercise exercise excercise, sleep sleep sleep never stop fighting.
I always forget that cravings are only fleeting if you'll allow them to be. Why is it so easy to just give in to them?? If you don't purge for some time, like a day or two, your gag reflex should come back. Stay strong!
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