So I haven't been doing to well with keeping the bulimia away. I've been having small binge and purge episodes about once a day since wednesday. But right now I just got back to my apartment in the shit hole of the earth and I have no food, just sauses and diet soda so I feel safe right now. I ate wayyyyyy toooo much yesterday. I was at a party and then I stayed up late to pack. I also went out to lunch and had a big breakfast too. I figured I ate 2200 calories yesterday and that makes me want to cry especially since I haven't worked out since friday. But off all the times I ate way too much, this is one of the better times because at least I was with people who are close to me and we were having fun. To be honest, if I ate like that everytime I was with people I love being around, and never binged, I would be ok with that. I binge all the time but rarely do I get to be with people I care about. I hate that I worry about calories when I'm having fun. It's like a slap in the damn face.
Anyways, tmr is the start of the spring quarter for colleges on the quarter system. My goals for this quarter are the same as always:
1. Lose 10 lbs/ get down to 90 lbs and maintain it
2. Stop binging and purging
3. Get As in school
4. Try to find the inspiration to paint even though this shit hole of a place is killing my buzz
I want to try something new this quarter. For my entire college experiance I've been walking around like the dead. I don't care how I look. I go out wearing 2 ugly ill fitting sweaters and jeans that are like a million years old and 2 sizes too big. Basically I look like a complete dork in my opinion. Or a girl who just doesn't give a fuck to be alive. This is exactly equal and opposite to the way I look when I'm back where I really belong, in the lovely SF bay area where resides the best people surrounded by the best culture in the damn country [sorry if my Norcal pride offends anyone, people raised in this part of the country tend to be what's known as a bay area elitist, meaning they seriously feel that the bay is the best place to live in the whole planet--I am not kidding about this]. Anyways, back home I look exactly the opposite. I'm a complete badass. Motorcycle boots, super tight skinny jeans with zippers, tons of jewelry, amazing jackets, make up, my hair looks awesome, ect. You can tell my state of being by how I look, if I look like I am well taken care of I'm relatively happy, if I look like someone with no sense of fashion, then you know I'm walking around wishing to just disappear or go into hibernation until I get to a better place.
So this quarter my goal is to hold on to my sense of astetics, meaning, to not look like I'd rather be dead than be here. Maybe I can use that to distract myself from food. I can express hatred though appearance, and just tell everyone to go fuck themselves rather than wishing I could just disappear. Direct my anger at everyone else here because I hate them all rather than taking it out on food. I swear, as soon as I can get out of this shitty place for good I'm going to delete just about everyone I have on facebook that i have met at college cuz honestly, with the exception of a small handful, i can't stand to be around any of them for more than half an hour. After saying 'hi, hows class', or 'what courses are you taking this quarter' i'm ready to tell them to shut the fuck up and go suck a cock.
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