Not doing to well =(

I haven't been doing to well recently. Ever since I learned that I failed one of my major courses I've felt just hopeless. I have to take summer school to make it up and I can't move on until I make it up so as of right now I will be 2 quarters behind in my major at the end of spring. By the end of summer, assuming I pass both classes, I will be all caught up. However, failing this class my jepordize my chances of transfering out of this fuck hole of a place called Orange asswipe County. The thought of being stuck here not only for the summer but for the next 2 years makes me want to die. I feel like I don't know what the hell I'm doing here in college. This is supposed to be some big opportunity in my life but I can't appreciate the value of it because I'm walking around thinking that I'm wasting away here because that's whats happening to me. Being here has brought bulimia upon me, it has killed my inspirations, driven my identity into hibernation, isolated me from anyone who even remotely understands or cares about me or who I understand and even remotely cares about. I don't do anything that I even remotely consider fun. I am essentially rotting here. I feel like I've been sent here to suffer and die. I have no dreams of any kind of career because school is so dreadfully uninspiring that I think if this is my future, I think I'd rather die now and not bother having to deal with this shit.

5.5 days without binging and purging or chewing and spitting

So yesterday I did binge and purge once. It was a small one that didn't actually contain junk food. It was about a 700-800 calorie binge consisting of rice, seaweed salad, green salad, and 2 slices of heavily buttered bread. However the trick with this 10 week break the binge diet is to come back with full force everytime you mess up. So I clocked in at 5.5 days without food abuse. Now I know for sure that I can go 5.5 days without abusing food. So knowing that I can keep pushing that out. If I can do the 5.5 days, how much harder can it be to push it out to 6 days or 7 days? Get the idea? It's like building up tolerance to go without the food abuse.

Plans for the new quarter

So I haven't been doing to well with keeping the bulimia away. I've been having small binge and purge episodes about once a day since wednesday. But right now I just got back to my apartment in the shit hole of the earth and I have no food, just sauses and diet soda so I feel safe right now. I ate wayyyyyy toooo much yesterday. I was at a party and then I stayed up late to pack. I also went out to lunch and had a big breakfast too. I figured I ate 2200 calories yesterday and that makes me want to cry especially since I haven't worked out since friday. But off all the times I ate way too much, this is one of the better times because at least I was with people who are close to me and we were having fun. To be honest, if I ate like that everytime I was with people I love being around, and never binged, I would be ok with that. I binge all the time but rarely do I get to be with people I care about. I hate that I worry about calories when I'm having fun. It's like a slap in the damn face.

Anyways, tmr is the start of the spring quarter for colleges on the quarter system. My goals for this quarter are the same as always:
1. Lose 10 lbs/ get down to 90 lbs and maintain it
2. Stop binging and purging
3. Get As in school
4. Try to find the inspiration to paint even though this shit hole of a place is killing my buzz

I want to try something new this quarter. For my entire college experiance I've been walking around like the dead. I don't care how I look. I go out wearing 2 ugly ill fitting sweaters and jeans that are like a million years old and 2 sizes too big. Basically I look like a complete dork in my opinion. Or a girl who just doesn't give a fuck to be alive. This is exactly equal and opposite to the way I look when I'm back where I really belong, in the lovely SF bay area where resides the best people surrounded by the best culture in the damn country [sorry if my Norcal pride offends anyone, people raised in this part of the country tend to be what's known as a bay area elitist, meaning they seriously feel that the bay is the best place to live in the whole planet--I am not kidding about this]. Anyways, back home I look exactly the opposite. I'm a complete badass. Motorcycle boots, super tight skinny jeans with zippers, tons of jewelry, amazing jackets, make up, my hair looks awesome, ect. You can tell my state of being by how I look, if I look like I am well taken care of I'm relatively happy, if I look like someone with no sense of fashion, then you know I'm walking around wishing to just disappear or go into hibernation until I get to a better place.

So this quarter my goal is to hold on to my sense of astetics, meaning, to not look like I'd rather be dead than be here. Maybe I can use that to distract myself from food. I can express hatred though appearance, and just tell everyone to go fuck themselves rather than wishing I could just disappear. Direct my anger at everyone else here because I hate them all rather than taking it out on food. I swear, as soon as I can get out of this shitty place for good I'm going to delete just about everyone I have on facebook that i have met at college cuz honestly, with the exception of a small handful, i can't stand to be around any of them for more than half an hour. After saying 'hi, hows class', or 'what courses are you taking this quarter' i'm ready to tell them to shut the fuck up and go suck a cock.  

Bulimia--kicking the habit: today I have a choice.

OK, this is my first ana mia blog. I am currently bulimic, I used to be both anorexic and bulimic. I'm currently working on a  10 week no binge diet. Basically, my standard diet that I've been on since I became anorexic minus the binging/purging and chewing/spitting. Essentially my goal is to stop abusing food like a drug.

Motivations for this diet:

- my bulimia is getting out of hand and is wrecking my body in terms of weight, my teeth, energy levels, sleep habits ect.

- bulimia costs to fucking much

- because of the b/p and c/s cycles and all of their consequences i've gained up to 10 lbs since before my bulimia. I hope to regain my 93lb body, or perhaps lower my weight even more. I was able to maintain 93 lb even with minor/bulimic tendencies. So I'm hoping that if I can give up my bulimic behaviors that I can acheive ultimately 90lbs. I'm about 100 lbs right now, sometimes I'm heavier if I've eaten to much food, or to much salt, or if' I've been having a rough time. But 10 lbs in 10 weeks is my goal so by may 26 I hope to be 90 lbs.

So far I've gone 5 whole days without binging, purging, c/s, without any food abuse basically and I'm really proud of that, I don't think I've gone more than 3 days without food abuse since, idk 2009? except for once last June, but that was because I was with friends 24 hours a day.

If anyone wants to join me on my 10 week endevor comment or message me and we can work together on it.
Here's some summer thinspo for motivation.