Soo, I was feeling kinda like munching today, i think it was because i kinda ate to much yesterday. I did binge and purge but it was a comparatively small binge. Not sure how many people know this but when you binge on carbs (especially the sugary sorts) you get a huge rush of endorphins and i think serotonin but im not sure about that one. anyways, in that time frame between starting and feeling to full that you throw up, usually it's a rather pleasant feeling physically, hence part of the reason why the binge started to begin with. That feeling is part of what keeps you coming back to a binge and part of the reason why binges usually repeat several times and only pause when you become to worn out to continue binging and purging. So today i was craving the binge the craving wasn't the usual strong desire to shovel cake down my throat like a monster, but it's the sneaky craving where you only want to eat the usual afternoon snacks that many people enjoy, but you don't really want to binge. I hate those cravings the most. They trick you into buying food thinking you'll be ok and then suddenly you are shoveling food down your throat because that's what you usually do with anything that isn't salad or fruit. That's exactly how my binge started yesterday too. So this time i went and decided i would just buy gum. I used to chew gum everyday for hours until my jaw hurt, and then i got really really sick of gum. this time i bought caffeinated gum and its awesome. Summer in southern california is to hot for coffee, but caffeinated gum is alright. It took my munchies off my mind right away and saved me from binging this time around!!! I know it probably won't work when i have a real binge craving, not much works at that point, but today i'm happy that i haven't binged or purged.
It's 3:30 pm i've had salad with fat free dressing, 1 slice of ham, 2 apples, and milk = a little under 450 calories. i'm a little hungry right now, but i'll wait a few more hours before eating again. considering a burger for dinner, i usually never crave hamburgers (only maybe once a year, that's about as often as i eat them) so i don't fear them. i only fear foods i don't know, foods i crave, and foods my loved ones make for me. I'm not afraid of hamburgers because i know they don't have to be like 400-1000 calories each. I usually get a standard hamburger, with mustard, pickles, ketchup, tomatoes, lettuce, and the thinnest patties available (the are half the thickness of a typical patty). I order it wrapped in lettuce rather than a bun and it comes down to 170 calories, which is less calories than most salads (without toppings), and is a little more than a big apple or pear. Hopefully that will be all i eat for the rest of the day and bring my calorie consumption to around 650 max.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
I hate food
I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food I hate food
I hate food for controlling me
I hate food for ruining me
I hate food for making me fat
I hate food for making me crave
I hate food for being cheap
I hate food for being legal
I hate food for being essential
I hate food for being soothing
I hate food for being delicious
If i could loose one sense forever it would be taste, that way eating will physically be as unpleasant as it is mentally
I hate food for controlling me
I hate food for ruining me
I hate food for making me fat
I hate food for making me crave
I hate food for being cheap
I hate food for being legal
I hate food for being essential
I hate food for being soothing
I hate food for being delicious
If i could loose one sense forever it would be taste, that way eating will physically be as unpleasant as it is mentally
4 more hours to go!! go go go
omg this pain has kept me half awake all night but at least i didn't give in to it. after last nights post i had a cup of veggie soup and 1 slice of ham because i was starving along with another 6 cups of low calorie drinks (under 15 cals per cup) but i still wasn't able to really sleep. I swear with the amount of liquid i drink (10-16 cups/day) i'm almost never dehydrated. the only times i get dehydrated is after purging for like a hour. at most i've had 700 calories since i started my fast (32 hours ago) i won't have anything but hot tea until the fast is over. i've burned of 400 calories (1 hour biking, 80 minutes walking) in the last 32 hours exercising, leaving me a net of 300. I guess to some girls this isn't really fasting, but to me it is. I'm gonna try to hit the gym one more time before my fast is over (10 am i decided to push it back 2 hours). Then i'm going to eat sushi at noon but no rolls. i hate rolls they are full of fat and carbs. no i'm gonna have sashimi and nigiri, along with maybe some soybeans. hopefully keep the meal satisfying and under 300 calories.
but yeah, i feel a lot lighter after this fast, even if i don't lose any fat from it, all the fluids and raw veggies flush out my body so i feel empty (i swear i lost like 3lbs worth of crap yesterday from drinking so much in the morning but it's good, i feel clean and less bloated). I can see the muscle definition in my upper and lower stomach which for me is an indicator that my intestines are pretty empty. I know this sounds gross but i'm a bio major wanting to go into physiology so this kind of thing is like to me all factual rather than disgusting. but even if this doesn't help me loose fat, the debloating aspect of it is very comforting not to mention since weekends are when i'm most likely to binge, it's like giving my body a break from eating way to much. but yeah, hopefully we'll do this every week from here on out.
I'm 102 lbs right now, that's down 1.5 lbs
but yeah, i feel a lot lighter after this fast, even if i don't lose any fat from it, all the fluids and raw veggies flush out my body so i feel empty (i swear i lost like 3lbs worth of crap yesterday from drinking so much in the morning but it's good, i feel clean and less bloated). I can see the muscle definition in my upper and lower stomach which for me is an indicator that my intestines are pretty empty. I know this sounds gross but i'm a bio major wanting to go into physiology so this kind of thing is like to me all factual rather than disgusting. but even if this doesn't help me loose fat, the debloating aspect of it is very comforting not to mention since weekends are when i'm most likely to binge, it's like giving my body a break from eating way to much. but yeah, hopefully we'll do this every week from here on out.
I'm 102 lbs right now, that's down 1.5 lbs
Monday, August 29, 2011
Weekly fasting ritual
For all of those fasting with me thanks soo much!! I'm gonna make a proposal. I want to make fasting part of my life so i propose to do a 36hour fast every week. sunday 8pm till tuesday 8 am. i hope everyone's doing well on their fast so far. remember that you can have as many low or no calorie sugar free drinks as you want, and safe foods are (raw, or steamed) lettuce, tomatos, and celery ( you can also have cucumbers) stay away from salad dressings unless they are the fat free version.
I've been doing well on my fast. i did cheat a little, i had once slice of cheese (70) and i slice of low fat ham(35) but still including all of the drinks i've had today my total calorie intake is only 435 plus i went to the gym today and burned off 400 calories.
I've been doing well on my fast. i did cheat a little, i had once slice of cheese (70) and i slice of low fat ham(35) but still including all of the drinks i've had today my total calorie intake is only 435 plus i went to the gym today and burned off 400 calories.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
way too fat
I'm around 103 lbs these days.... which is to me horendously obese. i feel like i look like one of those sweaty fat guys with the beer gut. my bulimia is still out of control. i never win against it. it's like my addiction. even if i've been pretty happy for a few days, bulimia still somehow manages to sneak it's way in there. i feel heavy and flabby. I've decided that i'm going to try and lose weight yet again but this time i'm really serious. i want my anorexic body back! i miss my hipbones, my thigh gap, i miss my stick thin arms, and my breastlessness. I miss the days when i didn't shove food down my throat and feel ill every day. I miss the days when people made jokes that i looked anorexic just because i was skinnier than everyone else.... sooo... with that said. 90 lbs watch out cuz i'm gonna make you mine!!!
My goal is to lose 15 lbs in 3 months.
goal weights:
100lbs by 9/12
98 lbs by 9/26
96 lbs by 10/14
94 lbs by 10/28
92 lbs by 11/11
90 lbs by 11/23
88 lbs by 12/9
Diet plan:
-goal is to average 900-1000 calories per day while exercising off at least 1800 calories per week. I'm kinda a stickler about calories burned. for me i set my bench mark at 2 cals/min walking or weights, 4 cals/min biking, 6 cals/min elliptical, or strenuous aerobics/dancing
-no eating before 8 am or after 7 pm.
I swear not to eat: (these are foods that always lead into a binge)
-sugar
-yogurt
-bread
-rice
-cereal
-pudding
-crackers
-nuts
-pastries
-icecream
-pizza
-cookies
-cake
-waffles
-anything that contains oil as an ingredient
-beans
-tortillas
-peanut butter
-chocolate
-doughnuts
-noodles
-oatmeal
My determination
-I won't give up, even if it hurts my family or friends
-i won't give up even if i have a bad day, food will never fix anything
-I won't give up even if i crave, because the craving will not go away unless you just ignore it, satisfying a craving only leads to addiction
-i won't give up even if it means not being able to party, parties are about people, if you eat at a party you aren't there for the people
-i won't give up even if it means feeling tired, and crappy, skinny and tired is always better than fat and sick.
-i won't give up even if i feel stressed. things will never get better if you decide binge the stress away, you'll be even more stressed after and hour of stuffing your face.
-i won't give up even if i feel depressed. food can never make you happy, it only makes you pathetic, the only way to cure depression is to go out, exercise and hang out with beautiful fun people who would rather be amazing than think about food all day
-i won't give up even if someone pressures me. deny the desire to eat, tell yourself that you don't want food because you truly don't, waht you want is understanding, love, and to be in the company of inspiring people
-food will only make you hate yourself more, it's better to live deprived of food rather than live deprived of self acceptance
-weigh yourself every morning and every night even though the numbers hurt because you will never get thinner unless you face the pain
-do not fear the judgement of others on you lifestyle, it's only because they are jealous of your strength
-reward yourself not with food but with things and inspiration
-do not fear the camera because it opens your eyes to the truth about how big your thighs are, and how much smaller they need to become
-I will not hang out with friends who just want to eat all the time, i want friends who make beautiful things, and who have beautiful minds, not a bunch of cavemen who just think about eating, food should only take up a small portion of your life.
Tips and tricks
-drink 2 cups of water during the first 5 bites of your meal
-diet hot chocolate(or add ice for chocolate milk) will satisfy you chocolate cravings ( i haven't had chocolate for months thanks to my homemade diet chocolate drinks (15-25 cals per pint) plus it's actually good for you and super creamy.
-if you're craving the binge, have a salad or some form of raw veggies with water, then try to purge, but don't, you probably will be full but not desperate to purge because plain raw veggies is the best thing that you can eat, it won't make you fat, it's good for you skin, it's healthy, it's pure, it's nearly calorie free.
-when at a party with friends-- chew gum so that you won't be tempted by the snacks
drink diet soda the whole time, it's filling and calorie free
don't drink alcohol-- it's nicknamed liquid fat for a reason
say that you have to be up early the next day to avoid drinking
-when eating out, drink 2 cups of water before you food arrives
offer the fries/bread/starch to someone, tell them that you don't like them
ask the server to keep the veggies sauce free, just steam them
ask for a lunch or child portion, or ask them to bring only 1/2 the portion
never get dessert, convince yourself that you don't want to look like a pig in front of people
tell your friends you had a large previous meal
always leave 1/2 your food on the plate
limit yourself to 10 bites, and only 1 bite per 3 minutes, talk and drink water instead
when you finished eating what you feel comfortable with put your napkin on your plate and hide your fork under the napkin
-when you are bored sitting around alone and have food at your disposal, change locations to a place with no food, call someone, do homework, get rid of the food, exercise, do something!!
-weigh yourself at least 2 times a day, it keeps you focused on your goals
anyone who wants to be ana buddies/diet buddies or would like to join me on this endeavor to lose weight over the next 3 months?
My goal is to lose 15 lbs in 3 months.
goal weights:
100lbs by 9/12
98 lbs by 9/26
96 lbs by 10/14
94 lbs by 10/28
92 lbs by 11/11
90 lbs by 11/23
88 lbs by 12/9
Diet plan:
-goal is to average 900-1000 calories per day while exercising off at least 1800 calories per week. I'm kinda a stickler about calories burned. for me i set my bench mark at 2 cals/min walking or weights, 4 cals/min biking, 6 cals/min elliptical, or strenuous aerobics/dancing
-no eating before 8 am or after 7 pm.
I swear not to eat: (these are foods that always lead into a binge)
-sugar
-yogurt
-bread
-rice
-cereal
-pudding
-crackers
-nuts
-pastries
-icecream
-pizza
-cookies
-cake
-waffles
-anything that contains oil as an ingredient
-beans
-tortillas
-peanut butter
-chocolate
-doughnuts
-noodles
-oatmeal
My determination
-I won't give up, even if it hurts my family or friends
-i won't give up even if i have a bad day, food will never fix anything
-I won't give up even if i crave, because the craving will not go away unless you just ignore it, satisfying a craving only leads to addiction
-i won't give up even if it means not being able to party, parties are about people, if you eat at a party you aren't there for the people
-i won't give up even if it means feeling tired, and crappy, skinny and tired is always better than fat and sick.
-i won't give up even if i feel stressed. things will never get better if you decide binge the stress away, you'll be even more stressed after and hour of stuffing your face.
-i won't give up even if i feel depressed. food can never make you happy, it only makes you pathetic, the only way to cure depression is to go out, exercise and hang out with beautiful fun people who would rather be amazing than think about food all day
-i won't give up even if someone pressures me. deny the desire to eat, tell yourself that you don't want food because you truly don't, waht you want is understanding, love, and to be in the company of inspiring people
-food will only make you hate yourself more, it's better to live deprived of food rather than live deprived of self acceptance
-weigh yourself every morning and every night even though the numbers hurt because you will never get thinner unless you face the pain
-do not fear the judgement of others on you lifestyle, it's only because they are jealous of your strength
-reward yourself not with food but with things and inspiration
-do not fear the camera because it opens your eyes to the truth about how big your thighs are, and how much smaller they need to become
-I will not hang out with friends who just want to eat all the time, i want friends who make beautiful things, and who have beautiful minds, not a bunch of cavemen who just think about eating, food should only take up a small portion of your life.
Tips and tricks
-drink 2 cups of water during the first 5 bites of your meal
-diet hot chocolate(or add ice for chocolate milk) will satisfy you chocolate cravings ( i haven't had chocolate for months thanks to my homemade diet chocolate drinks (15-25 cals per pint) plus it's actually good for you and super creamy.
-if you're craving the binge, have a salad or some form of raw veggies with water, then try to purge, but don't, you probably will be full but not desperate to purge because plain raw veggies is the best thing that you can eat, it won't make you fat, it's good for you skin, it's healthy, it's pure, it's nearly calorie free.
-when at a party with friends-- chew gum so that you won't be tempted by the snacks
drink diet soda the whole time, it's filling and calorie free
don't drink alcohol-- it's nicknamed liquid fat for a reason
say that you have to be up early the next day to avoid drinking
-when eating out, drink 2 cups of water before you food arrives
offer the fries/bread/starch to someone, tell them that you don't like them
ask the server to keep the veggies sauce free, just steam them
ask for a lunch or child portion, or ask them to bring only 1/2 the portion
never get dessert, convince yourself that you don't want to look like a pig in front of people
tell your friends you had a large previous meal
always leave 1/2 your food on the plate
limit yourself to 10 bites, and only 1 bite per 3 minutes, talk and drink water instead
when you finished eating what you feel comfortable with put your napkin on your plate and hide your fork under the napkin
-when you are bored sitting around alone and have food at your disposal, change locations to a place with no food, call someone, do homework, get rid of the food, exercise, do something!!
-weigh yourself at least 2 times a day, it keeps you focused on your goals
anyone who wants to be ana buddies/diet buddies or would like to join me on this endeavor to lose weight over the next 3 months?
36 hour fast!!! people join me!!
So i'm gonna try to do a 36 hour fast starting at 8pm 8/28/11 till 8 am 8/30/11. For anyone who wants to join me, you can drink any low or no calorie, sugar free drinks you want. safe foods=plain lettuce, tomatos, and celery. good luck everyone!!
Friday, August 26, 2011
Repost from sunshinechild's blog
http://www.healthyweightforum.org/eng/calculators/calories-required/
super awesome calorie calculator that isn't afraid to tell you to eat under 1000 calories a day halleluah!!! sp?
yeah just wanted to put this up so that i remember this site
super awesome calorie calculator that isn't afraid to tell you to eat under 1000 calories a day halleluah!!! sp?
yeah just wanted to put this up so that i remember this site
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
It's been a while
Hey everyone i know it's been a while since i posted. I havn't been doing so great. I think i'm around 104 right now. T.T super obese. I've got to drop weight by early september. I have to!!!! I must!!! I have photoshoots to do in september in outfits that are not very forgiving!!! I wish i knew a way to stop the binges. fucking binges always screw me up. Anyway today i was doing well till about 2 pm, and then went on a 750 calorie binge of apples and corn and carrots and frozen yogurt ><!!!!! I need to go to the gym later and go swimming. Get rid of all this fat, erase all this failure
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