way too fat

I'm around 103 lbs these days.... which is to me horendously obese. i feel like i look like one of those sweaty fat guys with the beer gut. my bulimia is still out of control. i never win against it. it's like my addiction. even if i've been pretty happy for a few days, bulimia still somehow manages to sneak it's way in there. i feel heavy and flabby. I've decided that i'm going to try and lose weight yet again but this time i'm really serious. i want my anorexic body back! i miss my hipbones, my thigh gap, i miss my stick thin arms, and my breastlessness. I miss the days when i didn't shove food down my throat and feel ill every day. I miss the days when people made jokes that i looked anorexic just because i was skinnier than everyone else.... sooo... with that said. 90 lbs watch out cuz i'm gonna make you mine!!!

My goal is to lose 15 lbs in 3 months.
goal weights:
100lbs by 9/12
98 lbs by 9/26
96 lbs by 10/14
94 lbs by 10/28
92 lbs by 11/11
90 lbs by 11/23
88 lbs by 12/9

Diet plan:
-goal is to average 900-1000 calories per day while exercising off at least 1800 calories per week. I'm kinda a stickler about calories burned. for me i set my bench mark at 2 cals/min walking or weights, 4 cals/min biking, 6 cals/min elliptical, or strenuous aerobics/dancing
-no eating before 8 am or after 7 pm.

I swear not to eat: (these are foods that always lead into a binge)

-sugar
-yogurt
-bread
-rice
-cereal
-pudding
-crackers
-nuts
-pastries
-icecream
-pizza
-cookies
-cake
-waffles
-anything that contains oil as an ingredient
-beans
-tortillas
-peanut butter
-chocolate
-doughnuts
-noodles
-oatmeal

My determination
-I won't give up, even if it hurts my family or friends
-i won't give up even if i have a bad day, food will never fix anything
-I won't give up even if i crave, because the craving will not go away unless you just ignore it, satisfying a craving only leads to addiction
-i won't give up even if it means not being able to party, parties are about people, if you eat at a party you aren't there for the people
-i won't give up even if it means feeling tired, and crappy, skinny and tired is always better than fat and sick.
-i won't give up even if i feel stressed. things will never get better if you decide binge the stress away, you'll be even more stressed after and hour of stuffing your face.
-i won't give up even if i feel depressed. food can never make you happy, it only makes you pathetic, the only way to cure depression is to go out, exercise and hang out with beautiful fun people who would rather be amazing than think about food all day
-i won't give up even if someone pressures me. deny the desire to eat, tell yourself that you don't want food because you truly don't, waht you want is understanding, love, and to be in the company of inspiring people
-food will only make you hate yourself more, it's better to live deprived of food rather than live deprived of self acceptance
-weigh yourself every morning and every night even though the numbers hurt because you will never get thinner unless you face the pain
-do not fear the judgement of others on you lifestyle, it's only because they are jealous of your strength
-reward yourself not with food but with things and inspiration
-do not fear the camera because it opens your eyes to the truth about how big your thighs are, and how much smaller they need to become
-I will not hang out with friends who just want to eat all the time, i want friends who make beautiful things, and who have beautiful minds, not a bunch of cavemen who just think about eating, food should only take up a small portion of your life.

Tips and tricks
-drink 2 cups of water during the first 5 bites of your meal
-diet hot chocolate(or add ice for chocolate milk) will satisfy you chocolate cravings ( i haven't had chocolate for months thanks to my homemade diet chocolate drinks (15-25 cals per pint) plus it's actually good for you and super creamy.
-if you're craving the binge, have a salad or some form of raw veggies with water, then try to purge, but don't, you probably will be full but not desperate to purge because plain raw veggies is the best thing that you can eat, it won't make you fat, it's good for you skin, it's healthy, it's pure, it's nearly calorie free.
-when at a party with friends-- chew gum so that you won't be tempted by the snacks
                                               drink diet soda the whole time, it's filling and calorie free
                                               don't drink alcohol-- it's nicknamed liquid fat for a reason
                                               say that you have to be up early the next day to avoid drinking
-when eating out, drink 2 cups of water before you food arrives
                           offer the fries/bread/starch to someone, tell them that you don't like them
                           ask the server to keep the veggies sauce free, just steam them
                           ask for a lunch or child portion, or ask them to bring only 1/2 the portion
                           never get dessert, convince yourself that you don't want to look like a pig in front of people
                           tell your friends you had a large previous meal
                           always leave 1/2 your food on the plate
                           limit yourself to 10 bites, and only 1 bite per 3 minutes, talk and drink water instead
                           when you finished eating what you feel comfortable with put your napkin on your plate and hide your fork under the napkin
-when you are bored sitting around alone and have food at your disposal, change locations to a place with no food, call someone, do homework, get rid of the food, exercise, do something!!
-weigh yourself at least 2 times a day, it keeps you focused on your goals



anyone who wants to be ana buddies/diet buddies or would like to join me on this endeavor to lose weight over the next 3 months?