Depression

So I've been back home for the last week, hence i haven't been posting much. Home to me always means eating, and binging and purging way to fucking much. To day has been the first day in over a week where i haven't purged at least once. I'm sorry if it sounds mean but i kinda hate my grandma on my dads side. She doesn't speak any english and I see her maybe once a year at most. But i hate her only because she's been staying here for the last month and she has such a sweet tooth. And it is because of her i can't ask my mom to safe proof the house before i come home, meaning i will have to be in a house with cookies, and candy, and pastries. And as a result I've been vomiting 1-3 times a day since i've been home.

In other news i've been feeling emotionally idk abandoned??? This week was supposed to be full of idk, love i guess. I was going to see a lot of close old friends that i rarely get to see because of school. But idk, i feel like they aren't really 'my' friends anymore. They don't call me, they don't invite me to do things, but they invite my brother. I really really really hate that. I hate knowing that my friends are doing stuff and i'm right there and they invite my brother but they don't invite me. This aweful sense of abandonment comes over me and i just want hurt myself. This is one of the few feelings that make me want to cut rather than binge and purge. It's the mix of the feelings of anger and abandonmet. I'm sure it's because of my personal past. All but one of my friends that i met from the time i was a small child till i was about 14 or 15 has abandoned me all together or for some extended period of time. Most of the time it was for something that i considered a stupid reason so it made me angry at them and it also caused me to be very apathetic and suicidal when i was 13. I'm not suicidal anymore, but events will bring back these depressive feelings. I don't know if i'm just being selfish, maybe i am, but even so, i hate this feeling. I hate this dark place inside myself that i seek salvation in. I hate it because i don't know how to come out of it and because no one around me understands it. When i find myself in this place around other people they can't understand what's going on in my head and think that i just had a sudden mood swing. I don't blame them for not understanding. Most of these feeling follow a reasoning that one could only understand if they've had a similar life. Also i don't try to explain painful  feelings to people, i don't ask for their help.