Summer summer summer

So this summer I am staying at school to attend summer school because if you've been reading my blog long enough you know that during the winter my bulimia distracts me so much that i failed one of the classes for my major and now i have to make it up. I have binged and purged several times in the last few days but i haven't gone out and specifically bought a binge with is a good thing. Mostly been binging and purging protein shakes, fruit, and yogurt, all relatively healthy things compared to sugary cereal, cookies, cakes that kind of thing. I like my new apt and that really helps a lot. In my old apt i had major paranoia  because i know that one of my apt mates hates my guts and that i think it fed into my bulimia, always being stressed by that fact.

So My Goals for Summer:
-Do at least 3 paintings
-Finish my B*RS cosplay
-Reach 90 lbs!!!
-Get As in my summer classes

A new determination

So I'm testing out another weight loss pill cocktail. It has pretty good reviews. So far the almost everyone says it's effective, and the down side is that the pills are huge, taste bad, and it's 7 of them. My goal is to get down to 93 lbs by july 1st. that's 10 days. for 10ish lbs, I know i most likely will fail but fuck, i need to a challenge that requires me to devote more of my energy to losing weight. I don't do well with the loose weight by making one or 2 small changes, no, it has to be a massive overhaul that is the result to 100% focus. That's how i dropped 20 lbs without fasting, pills, coffee, tea, vomiting, diet soda, zero calorie sweeteners, diet food, ect in 6 months the first time around. I need that same dedication NOW!

This is cuz i have another convention on the 1st and because for the last week i've been failing so bad i wish someone would beat me with a steel mallet.  

Depression

So I've been back home for the last week, hence i haven't been posting much. Home to me always means eating, and binging and purging way to fucking much. To day has been the first day in over a week where i haven't purged at least once. I'm sorry if it sounds mean but i kinda hate my grandma on my dads side. She doesn't speak any english and I see her maybe once a year at most. But i hate her only because she's been staying here for the last month and she has such a sweet tooth. And it is because of her i can't ask my mom to safe proof the house before i come home, meaning i will have to be in a house with cookies, and candy, and pastries. And as a result I've been vomiting 1-3 times a day since i've been home.

In other news i've been feeling emotionally idk abandoned??? This week was supposed to be full of idk, love i guess. I was going to see a lot of close old friends that i rarely get to see because of school. But idk, i feel like they aren't really 'my' friends anymore. They don't call me, they don't invite me to do things, but they invite my brother. I really really really hate that. I hate knowing that my friends are doing stuff and i'm right there and they invite my brother but they don't invite me. This aweful sense of abandonment comes over me and i just want hurt myself. This is one of the few feelings that make me want to cut rather than binge and purge. It's the mix of the feelings of anger and abandonmet. I'm sure it's because of my personal past. All but one of my friends that i met from the time i was a small child till i was about 14 or 15 has abandoned me all together or for some extended period of time. Most of the time it was for something that i considered a stupid reason so it made me angry at them and it also caused me to be very apathetic and suicidal when i was 13. I'm not suicidal anymore, but events will bring back these depressive feelings. I don't know if i'm just being selfish, maybe i am, but even so, i hate this feeling. I hate this dark place inside myself that i seek salvation in. I hate it because i don't know how to come out of it and because no one around me understands it. When i find myself in this place around other people they can't understand what's going on in my head and think that i just had a sudden mood swing. I don't blame them for not understanding. Most of these feeling follow a reasoning that one could only understand if they've had a similar life. Also i don't try to explain painful  feelings to people, i don't ask for their help.

I FUCKIN WIN

Sooo.... I'm sure you're all glad to hear that I'm officially moved out of my apt. Which is wonderful cuz i don't have to live with my ball sucking apartment mate anymore.... During the fall and winter quarter living with her was hell cuz she's sooo fricken rude and just uncomfortable to live with. However, this last spring quarter has been ok, cuz i just stopped caring that she hate my guts for no reason that she's ever cued me in on. it was like one day she just stopped talking to me, even things like saying 'hi' out of plain custom. But this last quarter i feel like the victor. Every time i come back from classes or where ever, i can hear her cursing at me in her room. And every time i just laugh inside because she hasn't even seen me yet but the fact that i am in the vicinity bothers her that much. ahahahaha, stupid cunt deserves it. You know you've won when your opponent can't do anything but say "fuck you" or some other obscenity and you just don't  care at all.

Soooo, I left her a nasty little surprise cuz she's gonna live there all year next year.. har har har,

1. I put raw chicken behind the fridge and oven, let it rot there
2. I bought this horrible smelling cheese called roquefort and smeared it on the bottom of the coffee table, on the outer window sills, in the water facets, i tossed crumbs of it way deep in the back of the oven, on the sponge, and in the mop.
3. I went out and found a bunch of snails and put them under the couch, and behind the fridge, i hope they have babies.
4. I poured a whole bottle of cooking oil in the sink
5. I rinsed her dishes and toothbrush in water from the toilet

Yeah, I'm a bitch and i know it. Hopefully they won't notice anything lol. I'll post more about this later when i have time, have a wonderful day lovelies, if you ever need help getting back at someone i'm a pro.

Finally back to 2 digits...

Sooo.... I've bee ok this week, i did abuse food to some degree but i havent been doing manicly. I did 2 mini binges and purge sessions on friday because i was just around too much cookies and cake that day. But other than that i haven't been so full i just wanted to die since before the convention. I think con shrunk my appetite. That or it's given me other things to think about so my mind does start to wander off to obsess about food. I've been getting better about the obsessive food thoughts. Funny thing is, I eat way less if i just eat out everyday. Isn't that strange? I eat way less if i can't calculate the exact calories of everything before i eat it. So strange how magazines tell you to eat in if you want to lose weight... I'm the exact opposite. When i eat out, i hardly eat even if i'm so hungry that i'm gonna pass out. But at home i eat till i wanna just puke my guts out even if i wasn't hungry.... So yeah. Don't listen to magazines, they're just trying to fuck with you. I mean i eat way less if i eat out cuz i think everything is covered in oil and fat even if it wasn't, so i only eat i tiny amount of it. Not to mention food that you buy in restaurants taste like sweaty under arms anyways. The other things i like about eating out is the huge glasses of ice water. I drink one before the food gets to the table and i'm full.

I've had 1050 calories today, 900 yesterday. I walked off 250 calories today, net 1700 over this past weekend, which if you've been following me for a while, is just about the most amazing news i've ever heard. compare this to the usual 3700 over the weekend back in winter...... god it's amazing. I can't beleive it, for once it's a weekend and i don't want to kill myself when i look in the mirror. For once i don't wish that i could just erase this weekend from history.

I woke up this morning and i was 99.2 lbs.... I thought i would never see the day when i would be back into the 2 digits. It's very encouraging to see this. The biggest motivation for weightloss is seeing those numbers go down. The smaller it gets the small you want it to get. I'm soo happy. My goal is to be 97 lb by friday. I'm getting peircings with my friends on friday, i'm getting anywhere between 3-5 peircings done. I'll decide as i go.


EXCITED!!!

Life is better outside of the blinders of an ed... i want that life

Sooo... I didn't loose much weight during the convention, maybe a pound at most but the convention did remind me that life without bulimia is well... so much better. During the con i was aways with people, even when i was at the room (which i shared with 4-6 other people at  any given time) so i couldn't indulge in my bulimic ways and honestly, it felt awesome. I'm 100% sure that my bulimia is so bad this last year because i have my own room... Privacy is such a bitch sometimes, i'd rather get walked in on having sex than get walked in on while binging or purging. So for 4 days i didnt binge or purge or chew and spit and because of it i had so much more time, and energy to do shit. I didn't feel embarrassed about my body because i wasn't abusing it. I need to practice this more i think. Save all the money i spend on abuse food (50-70$) per week and spend it on better things like cosplaying and going to raves and having FUN. Thats the big thing i think, just to not even focus on food, do thing about it at all, just concentrate on what's really important... people and having fun, and being sucessful in life. I'm sure it's pretty universal with eating disorders that there is a big emphasis with ideas of failure, and being 'not good enough' which is why we feel terrible all the time. Not only do we feel ashamed, that shame is what's keeping us from becoming someone that we are satisfied with. So that's what i want to do now, just not focus on food. Don't look for the next lowest calorie thing, don't try the meals promoted in fitness magazines, don't try the lastest cereal, don't try to cook anything. Just don't pay attention to food. And instead pay attention to whats going on around me, who's throwing a party, what events are going on in the area, who's free to do shit with, what cosplay outfits should i make next... better things. During the con, i got to experience a bit of life without bulimia and now i see all that i'm missing out on. I see now that the key to being thin, is to find other things to occupy the space of food. Other things to pay attention to, other things to use the time.