pretty friends...

I've always wanted them. pretty friends. those friends who are so effortlessly thin and beautiful it's hard to believe such people exist. And now i'm starting to get them. the thing is with pretty friends, is they know everyone and everyone knows them. Recently i've been making all these beautiful and increadibly thin friends. like they are anorexic skinny without seeming to give a shit about what they eat or drink and they are beautiful with great fashion sense. I mean these people even have a fanbase of both girls and guys after them and they don't even do the entertainment industry or youtube video thing. No these people have thousands of friends, buddies, ect on every profile they have.... and these are their fans(girls/boys) and stalkers, ect. I've never had pretty friends until now. no, i was aways the smallest of my friends and considered to be one of the prettier ones. but now i'm the short stubby not as pretty friend. I need to get thinner... thinner.... don't eat ever again. i should burn my tounge till it's black or something.... the only good thing about being home is i can't binge on things like cookies, cakes, pastries, icecream, junk like that.... though at the same time there is so much more food in the house and most of those foods are not foods i normally eat. They have oil and meat and sause and r cooked.... so i eat alot, but alot of non b/p type foods. idk i guess it evens out. but i'mm still toooo fat. i feel heavy and i look heavy. I'm starting my fast at 1am on monday, till 1 pm tuesday, may try to extend it if i can... tea coffee lettuce tomatos

oh tooo fulll

I've eaten to much recently, i feel full and hence kinda drowzy... though i have been having a lot of fun this week. i've been out almost everyday. last saturday i got back home, sunday i went out shopping with michael and jamie, monday i went kareoke. tuesday i visited school with Nate, wednesday i was sewing while chatting with my old friend minrose and audrey, thursday i went back to school to show off some art work then went shopping at a fabric store. friday i went on a date with a super cool girl i know, saturday i cut off most of my friend's hair (all her life she's been able to sit on her hair, now it doesn't even reach her bra band) and went shopping for various adhesives. and now it's 1 am on sunday, a week later... later today i'm gonna cut avi and oni's hair and go out kareoke wiht my cousins. God this week feels like a month. This is the longest week i've ever had... doing something everyday is tireing. i haven't been exercising since at home i don't have access to a gym and i'm going places all day. I'm gonna try for under 500 for a few days. tmr i'm gonna try and sneak out of eating, and monday since my family is gonna be out i'm gonna try to fast. i need to get skinny again. The girl i went on a date with, she is suuuuupper skinny, like skinny like my sis. except she's 118 lbs at 5'4" which doesn't seem thin, but she can wear a designer size 23 jeans, and they are still baggy like guy pants at her thighs...... i'm so jealous. she can wear a padded bra and still pass as a guy as long as she's not wearing a skin tight shirt.... soo jealous. shes' super strong too, i've seen her pick up 250lbs boxes at work... and she even works in a candy store.... plus her metabolism is so fast that she doesn't get drunk... EVER she can outdrink everyone.... at every party... @.@ soooooooo jealous. I still love the girl, even though i'm itching with envy.... some people have it all i swear...

I wish i could just dislike food, i wanna burn my tounge, like really burn it till i kill my taste buds so that i won't like food anymore.... i want to be skinny, more so than anything else...

jealousy jealousy

I've got to admit, i am super jealous of my little sis Audrey, she's not actually my sister, she's more like my ex-friend's sister that me and my other girl friends condsider as our little sister cuz none of us have a little sister and we all think her brother is a douche. I'm sure of all the girls i know she's the thinnest. i'm guessing shes around 83 lbs at 5'3" it's a close guess. I was taking her measurments today because i was sewing a costume for her since she doens't know how to use the sewing machine. omg she's soooo skinny. she's not a child anymore though i still seem to think of her as one, she just turned 18 @.@ still can't beleive it. in my mind she'll always be 14. it's possible because she still looks like a kid and acts like one. It's hard to beleive that she's 18 now. She's not a girly girl. in fact she just wears her brothers hand me downs everyday which are mostly baggy cargo pants and over sized shirts and jackets. I don't know how it is that she's soooo thin. she never works out, and really don'ts care much about her body or appearance in general. i guess there are those people who are just naturally waifs. her thighs make a super models thighs look fat.. she's the only girl who still look anorexic even in candy cane striped stockings... I wish i could be as thin as she was. I don't think she is ana or mia. she's genuinly happy to have food, and i know shes not playing happy.. she's the type who so gulible and naive that she'd fall anything people tell her...

Today was kinda a bad day, i ate way to much before noon, then binged and purged some icecream. plus i didn't excercise, but i got to spead time with people i haven't seen for a long time.

I'm gonna fast tonight till friday at noon... i hate how big i am....

For the first time in a few days..

i'm going to sleep hungry.... =D i'm so happy, i feel light, i feel clean, i feel relatively empty, and my feet are in so much pain that i can rest with the satisfaction that i worked hard today. i'm gonna feel skinny when i wake up... i want it, i want it soo bad. Ana save me from the feeling of failure. Save me from feeling powerless. Save me from the gaze of men. Save me from caring how my father doesn't love me. Save me from being nothing.

oh how i hate my dad...

so, my fast on monday failed.... damn. today i tried to fast... ended up with 1000 fricken calories. at least they were all mostly from fruits veggies and cheese. but on the plus side i burned off 750 calories today. i'm super proud of that. after eating too much since friday and not working out enough this feels amazing. i feel somewhat clean for the first time in days... soo good, sooo motivated

in other news i found out that my dad has been cheating on my mom. it makes me hate him even more than i already do. My dad is part of the reason why i have an eating disorder. like he makes me want to commit suicide everytime i talk to him. all he does is put me down and tell me i'm not good enough. I feel like he'll never love me, i'll never be good enough for him to treat me as a human being and not as dirt. My mom does her best to be there for me even though she doesn't understand me at all(something she admits too). but my dad is never there for me. he's never home, he never comforts me when i'm extremely depressed, if i'm not doing well he tells me that i'm not good enough and makes it my fault that i'm unhappy. Also he hates who i am because i am a non-conformist. I am strong headed and i don't give a damn about what people think or say about me. in all honesty even though i am smaller than just about everyone else my presences scares people very fast. i'm the kind of girl who won't take your bullshit, and will demolish who ever i hate. generally people tell me i look like a badass bitch even though i'm a tiny asian girl... but that's ok, i'd rather scare off weaker people. i can't stand to be around them too much because i feel like i'll run them right over. But yeah, my dad hates that i'm not willing to change myself for others, something i take great pride in. I have a good reason not to yeild to people. I've been sexually abused by a guy when i didn't own up to who i was and what i felt. I was weak and beause of that i was forced to do things that i feel ashamed about to this day, i felt so ashamed that i became anorexic after that year of abuse. So after that i decided i will never yeild to someone elses wishes. Plus there is no point in being friends with people you can't stand. The fact that my mom is a pretty passive person and taht my dad cheated on her gives me even more reason to own up to whatever i want to do. After that he'll never be able to make me eat again. I'm hate him so much right now that thinking about him makes me want thin even more. He thinks 100 lbs is to light, well fuck him, i'll drop down to 90 because i hate him so much.

A few hours late but get ready for another 36 hour fast!!

I'm gonna say that my fast started at 12 am monday, and will be done on tuesday at noon. good luck, and stay strong everyone!! lettuce, tomatos, pickles, coffee, tea, water

if it weren't for my final i would have done a 24 hour fast

I didn't eat anything till noon today, and all i had was a salad with shrimp and a plum (200 cals) i would have left it at that till 5or 6 pm and made a 24 hr fast out of it (200 cals in 24 hrs is fasting to me), but i just ate an apple and a plum (200 cals). I haven't eaten since 5pm yesterday, before i went to the gym. It wasn't to hard to water fast for 19 hours even with a 2.5 hour workout wedged in there. oh how i wish i didn't need to eat in order for my brain to work.... oh well. But then again, 400 cals in 24 hours plus burning off 700 in the same time frame is better than i've done before =). Now to pass my final.... today will be a great day, today will be a great day, today will be a great day. I hope everyone else is doing well!! if anyone wants to be ana/mia buddies just message me.

8am, the day has just started...

and today is going to great!!! or at least i'm gonna try my hardedst make it great!!! i'm 102.5 today though i feel like it's higher that it actually is. i had alot of salt late last night after my workout, as well as like 4 cups of water in the hour before bed. I feel a little water bloated. water boated is like being food bloated without feeling sick and stuffed. but anyways, I'm going to make today great because if i don't i know it's gonna suck balls. Today i have molecular bio class which i hate, and the final for the class 2 hours after it -.- I generally like bio hence i'm a bio major but molecular bio and bio chem are to classes that just suck anyway you look at it. but yeah, and then after that i've gotta pack up my apartment cuz tmr morning i'm moving out and driving home (7 hour drive). So after today i probably wont be online again till sunday? unless i feel the urge to get online which i might. I've been very addicted to tumblr recently.... but yea, now marks the begining of many challenges to come: 1. bio test that is gonna murder me unless i murder it, 2.moving back home into a house full of food @.@ which is why i hate home (i hate it cuz of ana and mia, if it weren't for them i wouldn't mind). 3. moving back home is super difficult because my family has homemade dinner every single night and i'm not allowed to skip, plus the food at home is very different from what i eat in my apartment.

In my apartment i do my best to keep all the bad foods out, they are usually only present if i'm binging currently. On a day where i dont' binge or over eat the only things i have are some fruits, lettuce, cumbers, carrots, maybe milk and heavy cream, tomatos, and thats about it. I've found that these are the foods i'm ok with eating, that i won't binge on (sometimes i do binge fruit if i'm desparate usually cantalopes, bananas, strawberries, and mangos i have issues with). Plus eating these foods makes me feel idk clean. I think it's cuz theres' no salt or processed sugars or starches. As far as salt goes i feel like i eat a fuck ton of salt but i think it's because all the salt i eat is salt i pour onto my drinks. I'm sure anyone watching me make my drinks would think i'm totally crazy for putting all this salt in them and it's not like a pinch it's like a few sprinkles, taste and a few more sprinkles... from the salt carton even. But then again, i guess it only seems that i eat to much salt because i drink like on average around 12-14 cups of fluids a day, plus lots of raw fruit and veggies everyday, even on binge days, plus all the sweating from workouts, plus all my food is virtually salt free... even my binge foods, they aren't salty foods. So i guess i do need all the salt that i drink. i know when i don't drink my salt, i can feel that i need salt, my head feels all watery ( that feeling when you've workout long and hard and then chug a bottle and an half of plain water). but yea, it's either salty drinks after a workout or eat my way through a jar of pickles, which i do do sometimes, pickles (as an asian, i eat a huge variety of different pickles cuz asians pickle everything... and they are delicious) are my favorite post workout food, they are super filling, calorie free, and especially delicious if you sweat alot and thus are low on salt. plus to me if you put ketchup on dill pickles it gives me the satisfaction of hamburgers without eating a hamburger.

I turned this day around.... =D

So today started out kinda bad. i was binging and purging fat free cheese and cantalope. fml!!! of all things!!!! (btw don't binge fat free cheese, it's really difficult and your stomach fluids are salty as fuck) and then i binge on peaches -.- i hate it when i binge perfectly good foods like fat free cheese and fruit. i feel guilty because those are foods that taste good and are not fattening like nearly everything else. so i end up at 1350 cals by 6 pm... most of it being eaten by 11 am @.@.... terrible i know. but then i took some caffiene pill and went to the gym and omg, it was fucking amazing..... i felt soooo high like, if it weren't the fact that i was working out as hard as i could i would have just been smiliing until my face fell off. i walked for 30 minutes, ran for 32 minutes straight without walking at all, did the elliptical at level 8 for 30 minutes averaging 170 rpm, and did the bike machine for an hour.... and i felt great the whole time. conservatively i burned 650 calories, but being as sweaty and euphoric as i was i probably burned more ( i worked out much harder than i normally do) but i'm not gonna count it. i never do. if i really did burn off more than i would have at my normal rate let it surprise me when the pounds come off. but yeah, i'm super happy now, i wish i could do this on all my bad days but i know that my body can't take this intense of a workout everyday, i'm sure my joints will be very very tired tommorow but i'm just still sooo happy that i managed to make today ok. I'm gonna shoot for 550 calories tmr. I hope i make it, if not i hope i can burn off the difference.