oh how i hate my dad...

so, my fast on monday failed.... damn. today i tried to fast... ended up with 1000 fricken calories. at least they were all mostly from fruits veggies and cheese. but on the plus side i burned off 750 calories today. i'm super proud of that. after eating too much since friday and not working out enough this feels amazing. i feel somewhat clean for the first time in days... soo good, sooo motivated

in other news i found out that my dad has been cheating on my mom. it makes me hate him even more than i already do. My dad is part of the reason why i have an eating disorder. like he makes me want to commit suicide everytime i talk to him. all he does is put me down and tell me i'm not good enough. I feel like he'll never love me, i'll never be good enough for him to treat me as a human being and not as dirt. My mom does her best to be there for me even though she doesn't understand me at all(something she admits too). but my dad is never there for me. he's never home, he never comforts me when i'm extremely depressed, if i'm not doing well he tells me that i'm not good enough and makes it my fault that i'm unhappy. Also he hates who i am because i am a non-conformist. I am strong headed and i don't give a damn about what people think or say about me. in all honesty even though i am smaller than just about everyone else my presences scares people very fast. i'm the kind of girl who won't take your bullshit, and will demolish who ever i hate. generally people tell me i look like a badass bitch even though i'm a tiny asian girl... but that's ok, i'd rather scare off weaker people. i can't stand to be around them too much because i feel like i'll run them right over. But yeah, my dad hates that i'm not willing to change myself for others, something i take great pride in. I have a good reason not to yeild to people. I've been sexually abused by a guy when i didn't own up to who i was and what i felt. I was weak and beause of that i was forced to do things that i feel ashamed about to this day, i felt so ashamed that i became anorexic after that year of abuse. So after that i decided i will never yeild to someone elses wishes. Plus there is no point in being friends with people you can't stand. The fact that my mom is a pretty passive person and taht my dad cheated on her gives me even more reason to own up to whatever i want to do. After that he'll never be able to make me eat again. I'm hate him so much right now that thinking about him makes me want thin even more. He thinks 100 lbs is to light, well fuck him, i'll drop down to 90 because i hate him so much.